Jesuits and Latinophobia

Warning: this blog contains scenes of explicit Latin, and should not be made available to children and young people.

It's been a bad week for Jesuits. First, Pope Francis SJ managed to introduce a version of the Our Father which contained deliberate translation errors. In the words of his Latin teacher, back in 1940s Argentina:

Bergoglio Minor! Et - and. Ne - with the subjunctive, a negative imperative. Nos - we, us. Inducas - subjunctive of induco, lead in, bring in. In - when it takes the accusative, into. Tentationem - accusative, temptation. What does that give us?

"Do not abandon us to temptation", Sir?

No, boy! Bend over! THWACK! It means "do not lead us into temptation". THWACK!

Ouch! Yarooh! Chiz.

The Pope's personal copy of the Shorter Latin Primer.

But enough of 1940s Argentina. The scene shifts to 2020s USA, where Fr Tommy Reese SJ is trying to take over the mantle of the late lamented Hans Küng, having already scored some Küng points for getting into trouble over his views on abortion, homosexuality, birth control (for), Jesuit control (against), etc. Let's see what he has to say about the traditional Latin Mass.

It is time to return to bishops the authority over the Tridentine liturgy in their dioceses. The church needs to be clear that it wants the unreformed liturgy to disappear and will only allow it out of pastoral kindness to older people who do not understand the need for change. Children and young people should not be allowed to attend such Masses.

You can tell a man by the company he keeps.

At first sight, we thought this was from a rival Catholic blog, maybe Tommy is Saved, similar to the well-known satirical blogs The Horan of Babylon Bee and Joe Biden's State of the Onion. So we telephoned Tommy to check.

Ansaphone: Hello, you have reached the desk of Father Thomas Reese LGBTSJ: you can call me Tommy. I am away on an Ignatian Yoga Camping Trip but you can leave a message. Please press 1 if you want me to explain why pro-life views are bunk, 2 if you want to hear me talk about gay orgies, 3 if you would like to hear some new Catholic doctrine, 4 if you want to speak to me on my retreat at Fishwrap Park.

I pressed 4 and the great man answered!

Eccles: Hello, Father. Pax tecum!

Someone spoke Latin to a Jesuit!

I heard sounds of hysterics and the sound of Fr Tommy collapsing on the ground. Other voices could be heard:

"He said 'pax tecum' to Fr Tommy!" 
"Eeek!" 
"You've done it as well!" 
"Mea culpa!" 
"Aaaaaggggh!"
"Hey, stop speaking Latin, there are young people present! 
We don't want it as a lingua franca!"
"Help! Mommy!"
"Now you're doing it! You'll be a persona non grata!"
"Urrrrgggghhh...!"
"Tommy's gone into a coma. Give him the kiss of life, someone! 
Look, don't all rush at once! Ten minutes each."

At that point we lost the phone connection. So, I never did complete my liturgical discussions with Fr Tommy.

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.

A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*

*Probably.

Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.

A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!

That 11,000-word interview with the Holy Father

Well, it's half an hour since that 11,000-word interview appeared, and our commentators are now ready to give an in-depth analysis of what the Holy Father said - or didn't say.

Says St Mark, the author, "I'm thinking of calling it 'My Gospel'."

Our correspondent from the Jerusalem Tablet writes:

This interview certainly turns all religious thinking on its head. There is no direct condemnation of abortion, gay partnerships, murder, theft or adultery. So we can be fairly sure that Catholic teaching on these matters has been overturned, and the time has come to get rid of old-fashioned notions of "God" and bring religion more into line with the secularist agenda of the state. Emperor Nero has very enlightened views on same-sex marriage, you know.

"This interview will set Rome on fire," says Nero.

Moreover, there is no support for traditional forms of worship, so we at the Tablet are going to run that brilliant cartoon we published a few years ago.

How the Tablet showed its respect for the Council of Trent.

At the other end of the spectrum, the Jerusalem Tradblog is also dissatisfied with the interview, and for more-or-less the same reasons. It writes:

Many of us look back with nostalgia to the days of John the Baptist, when sin was sin, and sinners were told they were damned. It's a pity that John lost his head as a result of an unfortunate encounter with a liturgical dancer called Salome - he might have given the Church the leadership it needed. If we are to believe what we read in Mark's interview, this new Man takes a more touchy-feely approach, and seems to have a certain sympathy for the poor, the needy, and the sinners. We can't see this catching on - why, they'll be suggesting that priests open soup kitchens next!

Fr Blake's soup kitchen has certainly improved since the Argus paid him damages.

Probably neither of these publications has quite got to the heart of the matter.

Novus Ordo Cricket

With apologies to non-Cricketians who may worship the ball that is base, or even subscribe to one of the many cults of the ball called foot.

Following the 1960s Vatican II reforms, the Cricketic Church introduced a Novus Ordo form of its service, which upset many traditionalist worshippers.

Novus Ordo cricket. Note the unusual liturgical vestments.

In the Tridentine form of the service (named after the Council of Trent Bridge), worship was often not deemed to be completed until a "testing" period of 5 days of prayer (or Quinquena) had elapsed.

Father Shepherd knew the correct liturgical gestures.

Typically, the prayers varied over the five days, perhaps along the following lines:

Day 1: Australia batting well. A prayer that the Lord may aid 
his servants Anderson, Swann, and the other bowlers. 
Day 2: Australia declares: Ite. Inningus est, and England bats.
A prayer that the Lord may sustain Cook, Trott, and the
other batsmen.
Day 3: England batting collapses (this is traditional). Readings 
from the book of Job.
Day 4: Australia bats again. A prayer for rain.
Day 5: England, set 947 to win, manage 111 all out. A requiem 
mass for English cricket, including the burning of bails. Ashes 
to ashes...

The veneration of relics is an important part of the Tridentine game.

However, in the Novus Ordo service, some of the dignity and reverence shown in the Tridentine form simply disappeared. The wise theological advice, dig thou in, lad, just stay there for a few days, don't try to score any runs, found in the Gospel of St Geoffrey of Boycott, was replaced by an undignified scramble, as the whole service was rushed through in a matter of hours.

Liturgical dancing - what next?

Still there are hopeful signs for the future, as the Tridentine form of the game is still permitted, and a new generation of worshippers is favouring it. Curiously, some of the Latin terminology used in the older form of the game persists, and even the Novus Ordo service includes phrases such as Howzat? (Latin for "Hath he not transgressed?")

The Lord's temple - pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise.

Finally, whether or not they prefer the Ordinary Form or the Extraordinary Form of the game, Cricketics everywhere will treasure the words of Ezekiel 41:24: And in the two doors on both sides were two little doors, which were folded within each other: for there were two wickets on both sides of the doors.

St Geoffrey of Boycott smites the ungodly.

Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.