This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 6 November 2020

Did Bergoglio steal the election?

Supporters of Cardinal Scola are encouraging him to take legal action over the 2013 Conclave. This resulted in the election of Cardinal Bergoglio to the papacy, even though all the evidence was that Scola was far more popular.

Pope Francis is elected

"It says here that 150,000 cardinals voted for you and only 50 for Scola."

The legal case is based on various claims of cheating:

  • Apparently, votes were received in the names of several dead cardinals, including Martini, Bugnini, Duèse (Pope John XII), and Judas (Iscariot).
  • Allegedly, there was a surprise delivery of 100,000 votes, all in the name of Jorge Bergoglio and, very suspiciously, marked "Printed in China".
  • Several cardinals claimed that they were prevented from voting, having been told by the St Gallen Mafia representatives that "The polls are closed", or "You are not wearing the correct-coloured socks" and even "Only votes for Bergoglio are permitted."
  • Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was seen talking to several cardinals with weak eyesight and offering to help them fill in their ballot papers.
After seven years of Pope Francis's reign, it may be too late to reverse the result of the election, which would result in the (very popular) pulping of Amoris Laetitia and Fratelli Tutti, the sacking of Pachamama as deputy God, and the dismissal of dodgy cardinals such as Cupich and Uncle Wilt Gregory. Also, where would this leave vice-pope Calamity Tagle?

Doctor Who, the Romans

Uncle Wilt was expecting to get the vote of the Emperor Nero in the next conclave.

As usual, Pope Francis has refused to comment, and he was last seen hiding in his basement, apparently praying at the tomb of St Peter and asking for his vote.


  1. Perhaps someone could arrange a Great Fire of Rome?

  2. You do write some real rubbish!!

  3. As the news of Joe Biden's victory came through, his old unpaid speechwriter, Neil Kinnock, expressed his congratulations. Eight hours later, Kinnock is still speaking.

  4. In the US, it seems that the Hammer software was used to warp the votes results.

    I now have it on excellent authority that Chinese hackers used an improved Hammer and Sickle program to ensure that only Popes, Cardinals, Bishops approved by the Chinese Communist Party shall be elected henceforth.