A profile of Archbishop-elect Capone of Chicago

Bishop Al Capone of Speakeasy, recently appointed Archbishop of Chicago in succession to the much-loved Cardinal George, is not the usual sort of Catholic bishop. When we met him, we started off by asking him about his pro-life credentials, but we were slightly nonplussed by his reply, when it became clear that he was not averse to throwing dissident clergy into the river, their feet encased in concrete boots. Even the Bishop of Lancaster, a hard-liner when it comes to suppressing people who disagree with him, has not yet sunk any of his blogging deacons in the River Lune, as far as we know.

Bishop Capone.

Bishop Capone is clearly a saintly man, and he tells me he is planning something special for the feast of St Valentine next year. I also observed half-a-dozen priests entering his cathedral carrying violin-cases, so I assume that some brilliant musical event is being planned.

The clergy invite an old lady to a musical event.

All things considered, Bishop Capone looks like being a great asset to Catholicism in Chicago. And to think that, owing to a clerical error, they nearly appointed a seminary-closing, pro-life prayer-forbidding extreme-liberal bore called Bishop Blase Cupich instead!

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Meanwhile, in England, Bishop Marcus Stock has been appointed as the new Bishop of Leeds. Stock is said to be a close friend of Cardinal Vincent Nichols, and has even been described as Vin's stockpuppet. Curiously, Damian Thompson of the Telegraph Spectator was once tipping Fr Alban McCoy of Cambridge to the prestigious (and especially enlarged) seat once occupied by Arthur Roche. Clearly, this was a simple confusion between Star Trek personages. As the picture shows, it is Spock who has Vin's ear.

Marcus Spock and Alban McCoy.

Uufortunately, Mgr Raymond Kirk of Chicago was excluded from consideration, owing to his extreme age.

Eccles-iastical rumours

Great excitement has been generated by rumours that the Pope told a divorced and remarried woman, Jacquelina Sabetta, that she was now allowed to take Communion. "Who am I to fudge?" he is said to have asked her. Without knowing whether or not this rumour is true, we should point out that many previous rumours about the Pope have been shown to be false, and caused by mistranslation, misreporting, misunderstanding or simply mischief. Here are some of the silliest.

POPE TO MARRY A MUSLIM WOMAN.

Centuries of tradition, whereby the Pope, and indeed all priests, are forbidden to marry were supposed to have been upset recently when the Pope was seen talking to an attractive Muslim lady. Said the Queen of Jordan (for it was she), "Don't be silly, Damian (who he?), we are just good friends."

FRANCIS WASHES SHEEP'S FEET ON MAUNDY THURSDAY.

The Maundy Thursday ritual of washing feet was challenged this year when it was claimed that the Pope had extended it to animals. Said a spokesman, "It is true that the Holy Father might wash the feet of a primate, but only if it were Justin Welby."

HOLY FATHER ADMITS THAT HE HAS A SON.

Despite the strong physical resemblance, it has been explained that these two popes are not related.

The rumour machine continues to grind on, with forecasts that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next bishop of Leeds (which has been sede vacante since Arthur Roche was packed off to Rome). Ten days have elapsed, and the good man still hasn't received the expected letter, so we must conclude that this bit of gossip was off the mark.

Dammit, Damian, I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

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We were going to blog about St George's Day as we did last year, but apparently it has been moved, owing to a clash with Easter. Curiously, one Very Famous Person Indeed found it was possible to celebrate Easter and St George at the same time.

They always said God was an Englishman.