Tributes to Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI

As the Catholic world (and many others) mourns the death of the Emeritus Pope, we found a variety of alternative tributes.

Kevin McGhoul of the Daily Moron.

So that's got rid of Benedict then! Did you know that he was Hitler's right-hand man and founded the Hitler Youth? I can reveal that is true name wasn't Benedict, but Joseph Goebbels. After the war ended he changed his name to Ratzinger, then a bit later he hid himself away in Rome to avoid the Nazi-hunters. I know all about these things.

Who would have thought that this man would end up as Pope?

You know that Jimmy Saville was a Catholic? Well, doesn't that prove that Benedict covered up child abuse? Also he was transphobic, homophobic, claustrophobic, and [I'll think of some more phobias later]. Our ace correspondent Greta Thunberg tells me that his carbon footprint was enough to kill three polar bears every week!

Fr Tommy Rot SJ.

I forgive Benedict for his many faults - mainly sacking me from Amerika magazine because he realised that I was a useless toad. During his papacy and that of Pope John-Paul II - come to think of it, during all papacies except the present one - free debate was suppressed and only people who actually believed all that Catholic stuff were allowed to guide the Church.

Benedict described homosexuality as "intrinsically disordered" - an accusation which has set the Jesuit movement back many years. No, the big mistake the electors made in 2005 was in choosing someone who was wise and intelligent - they certainly avoided that error when it came to the 2013 conclave!

Instead of listening to other opinions, Benedict insisted on Catholic teaching! You wouldn't catch Pope Francis telling people what to do, or what to believe! He listens to everyone, from Pachamama downwards!

Professor Doctor Max Beans.

As you can read in the 25 articles I have written since I heard about Pope Benedict's demise yesterday morning (Boston Globule, Commonwart Magazine, Les Crocks, The Beano, Huffington Puffington, Gelato Weekly, ...) the reign of Pope Benedict was a disaster. He may have been the greatest theologian in the world (after myself, that is!) but he was responsible for a revival of traditional Latin Masses, the Ordinariate, and a legacy that Pope Francis is finding it hard to destroy. Hermeneutic of Continuity! I tell you, if Francis knew what it meant, he would be cancelling it!

Benedict made many Catholics feel orphaned, and not only those who were complete bastards already. If only he had been more progressive!

Will that do, Eccles? I have to write ten more hit pieces before lunchtime. The Babble-on Bean blog is getting impatient!

Satan appointed to Pontifical Academy for Life

Archbishop Paglia has expressed his delight at the appointment of Satan, the well-known religious figure, as a new member of the Pontifical Academy for Life. In a statement on Twitter, Monsignor Paglia said "The @PontAcadLife is grateful to the Holy Father for the appointment of new Members of the Academy. Together with existing Members they will provide unique expertise as the #Magisterium addresses new challenges and strengthens commitment to #Jesus and His commands."

The PAL in session.

Satan's CV is indeed impressive, and he is known to have personal experience of Jesus and His commands. Attracting such a well-known figure to the academy is clearly a great coup for Pope Francis. It was at first thought that the Father of Lies would be reluctant to join, having seen that another of those appointed for a five-year term is the pro-abortion Mariana Mazzucato, but "Hey! We all have to tolerate people with more extreme views than we have ourselves," he said.

Will Satan be able to work with colleagues such as Mazzucato?

Satan was mentioned in Austen Ivereigh's 2020 Book "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to get some sleep", where the Pope described his work as "thinking that is not ideological, which moves beyond the polarization of free market capitalism and state socialism". Oh, sorry, that was Mazzucato.

Even the Babble-on Bean has taken note...

Naturally the Illiterati are excited about the appointment of Satan to the Pontifical Academy. The Babble-on Bean, a satirical website run by Massimo Faggioli, is full of praise for him as a moderating influence on the PAL. And of course Christopher Lamb has rushed to interview him.

It is hoped that this appointment will help restore the reputation of PapePAL, as the Pontifical Academy is commonly known, especially as so many people have deserted it recently. The British parliament in particular is delighted, having just voted to criminalize prayer, genuflection and even crossing oneself within a buffer zone round abortion clinics.

Inflammatory slogans such as "WE CAN HELP" are to be banned!

Snopes fact-checks the Eccles blog

CLAIM: Snopes.com, the left-wing fact-checking site, motto: "Don't believe what they say about Obama, but do believe what they say about Trump," recently investigated the truth of a piece on the sometimes spiritually-nourishing satirical site "The Babylon Bee" (which is basically like the "Onion" but occasionally quite clever).

RATING:
  TRUE

Snopes decided that the BB piece was Fake News, and, as a result, Facebook decided to threaten Mr Bee with sanctions. Apparently, some morons actually believed that a certain BB article was factual.

We have now received the Snopes verdict on various other claims put forward on this blog, and the news is grim.

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CLAIM: 2+2=5.

RATING:
  FALSE

ORIGIN: Fr Antonio Spadaro, a bosom pal of Pope Francis, tweeted the following: "Theology is not #Mathematics. 2+2 in #Theology can make 5. Because it has to do with #God and real #life of #people..."

So far this teaching has not been confirmed to be infallible, magisterial, and part of the Catholic Deposit of Faith. Snopes consulted several well-known brilliant people, including Stephen Hawking, Mary Beard, Stephen Fry, and Richard Dawkins, and - although most of them admitted that they didn't know much about real life - they agreed unanimously that 2+2=4. Indeed, this fact was apparently known to the ancient Greeks ("Pythagoras's Theorem"), although some claim that the discovery was first made by the Babylonians or even the ancients in India.

Anyway, although Snopes wouldn't approve of him, G.K. Chesterton made a similar pentaphobic comment:

Snopes also wouldn't approve of the self-evident observation that a person born male remains male for the rest of his life, whatever drugs and surgery he uses to support his delusion that he is really female. Let's move on.

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CLAIM: The Pope is Catholic.

RATING:

MOSTLY TRUE

ORIGIN: On the one hand, some people would say that by definition Pope Francis, personally appointed by the Holy Spirit (with a little help from the St Gallen Mafia), cannot be other than Catholic. On the other hand, the old chap is not known for asserting Catholic teaching, preferring to make muddled statements that can be intepreted in several ways, and usually are. Still, any definition of "Catholic" that includes Fr James Martin, Nancy Pelosi, Austen Ivereigh, and Tina Beattie must definitely include Jorge Bergoglio.

To please Archbishop Mark Coleridge, Cardinal Zen forgets the problems of China, and reacts to the Snopes verdict with joy.

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CLAIM: Prime Minister Justin Trudeau believes he is a teapot.

RATING:
  UNPROVEN

ORIGIN: This claim appeared on the Eccles blog as part of a totally serious article on the problems faced by people who self-identify as teapots and wish to transition to a full teapotic lifestyle. Justin Trudeau is well known to be totally insane (this is a charitable way of saying that he is the second most evil world leader around at the moment, and is challenging Kim Jong-un strongly for first place), and thus anything is possible. However, although little Justin pushes abortion and same-sex marriage for all he's worth, his aim is to be a DESPOT not a TEAPOT.

"I'm a little despot, short and stout..."