Elon Musk offers to buy the Catholic Church

Elon Musk, said to be the richest man in the world after Cardinal Becciu, has made a bid of $666 billion for the Catholic Church (hereafter abbreviated to Cather). In a letter to Pope Francis, Chairman of the Church since a 2013 boardroom coup, Musk said that the business was not thriving under its current management, and that changes were needed.

The new owner.

This is not the first time that Cather has faced hostile takeover bids: in the 16th century the entrepreneur Henry Tudor made an extremely savage takeover of its English business, "cancelling" many users. Similarly, the tycoon Martin Luther attempted to force the German branch of the Church out of business by setting up a rival platform. But this is apparently the first time that a bid has been made for the whole Church.

If Musk is successful, he is expected to sack the unpopular Chairman Francis, and install himself as boss, taking the title Pope Elon I.

"Takover or invasion, which do you want?"

What other changes are we likely to see?

I'm glad you asked me that. We are likely to see the return of several people who were effectively silenced by the antisocial medium - for example the notorious American Raymond Burke with his aggressive statements such as WE WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO ANSWER A FEW DUBIA FOR US, HOLY FATHER? and many people who have infringed "Community Standards" by praising the Traditional Latin Mass.

The new Musk-run Cather is unlikely to waste any time on synods, and all the pressure groups that have so far exploited Cather to conduct such activities, such as the German Heretic Synod, the Deranged Feminist Synod, and the Jesuit LGBTSJ Synod, will be in breach of Cather rules.

We live in interesting times. Possibly.

Why we hate Mother Teresa

Exclusive to the Independent, the Guardian, the Carpet-chewers' Gazette and all other liberal papers.

So the Catholic Church has chosen to ignore the description given by the great Christopher Hitchens - "a lying, thieving Albanian dwarf" - and canonize one of the most evil women of the 20th Century. Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu was her real name, but she chose to hide under the alias of "Mother Teresa", even though she had no children and was not called Teresa at all.

How I hate that woman. She opposed a woman's right to choose to dismember her unborn child (when Hitchens asked her if she had any "baby parts" for sale, she looked at him in total disbelief). She never spoke up for same-sex marriage, incest, polygamy and orgies in tanks of olive oil, which are now accepted by all mainstream orthodox secularists. As for transgender awareness, she still lived in the dark ages when they had sexist labels such as "male" and "female" - and "Mother" of course! Teresa even attended Catholic Church services, as if she actually believed all that nonsense about God. Sheeesh!

Mother Teresa. What a horrible smug woman.

When the Catholic Church decides whom to canonize, it doesn't ask journalists like me to advise them. That's why you don't see such heroes as Marie Stopes, Che Guevara, Nelson Mandela and Hugo Chávez getting an expensive ceremony with lots of pilgrims singing their praises. No, they pick on some wretched nun who was not only undersized but also Albanian (well spotted, Christopher!) and give her the works! She was never invited to our Islington dinner parties, and serve her right!

Apparently, "Saint" Teresa ran some sort of hospital in Calcutta, but if you turned up asking for a sex-change, an abortion, or even "something for the weekend", she would ignore you in favour of some nasty smelly person with leprosy, tuberculosis or other socially unacceptable disease. No compassion for those of us who suffer modern illnesses such as acne, hair loss, or halitosis! Monster!

Mother Teresa and one of her smelly old lepers.

She was a self-publicist, nagging people for money to waste on a bunch of dying no-hopers. She'd fly across the world to see rich people, just to embarrass them into coughing up some cash. For crying out loud, she could have walked, couldn't she? Also, she was too proud to use the traditional "get rich" methods employed by the majority of our readers, such as embezzlement, insider trading, and mugging people late at night.

Well, what do you expect of the Catholic Church? Pope Francis has been a great disappointment to us: he may have correctly identified climate change as the biggest issue facing us in this era, or indeed any era, but he puts God and Jesus a close second, which is a real turn-off. Mother Teresa was the same, so HOW DARE the Catholic Church honour her in this way?

Er, will that do? All I needed to say was that she was a Catholic, and so should never have been canonized, but I needed to pad it out a little.