The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7.

1. And the children of Bri-tain continued to wait for May-gog to trigger the 50th article, so that the seas could part and they might leave the land of EU-gypt.

Waiting for the seas to part.

2. And the summer ended, and autumn came, but still nothing was done.

3. Although it is said that, behind the scenes, the three wise men, Bo-sis, Li-am the Fox, and David that is called Davis, were discussing trade.

4. However, trade agreements with EU-gypt were hard to arrange, as the people of Canaan-da had learned.

5. For the mighty Walloons (or Belgites) refused to agree about anything with anyone: thus it became uncertain whether essential foodstuffs, such as the sprouts of Brussels and the chocolates of the Belgites, would still be obtainable after the great Brexodus.

Would this food continue to drop from Heaven?

6. However, all this debate was suddenly swept aside, because there spake out three learned judges, led by the mighty Baron Thomas of Cwmdancyn (or, in English, Luton).

7. Saying "May-gog, ye cannot leave the land of EU-gypt without taking a vote among the most wretched and despised people in the land, namely, the House that is known as Common.

8. For without the benefits to be gained from the mighty brain of Lam-my, the morals and virtue of Vaz, and the wisdom of Cor-byn (he that sitteth upon the floor in the temple of the virgins), no decision can be taken.

9. For the people have shewn themselves untrustworthy, since they have voted against the advice of Cam-aaron, he who is now fled into utter obscurity."

Cam-aaron taketh off all his clothes, and disappeareth from sight.

10. And indeed, the unwisdom of the people was already seen in how they elected the members of the House of the Common.

11. For it was written "In this land of demo-cracy, a mere nobody can be elected to the House of the Common, and he may take decisions on behalf of the people."

12. And indeed, the people had responded by electing a multitude of nobodies.

13. Still, the judges had spoken. So May-gog lamented greatly, and sought out some even more important judges.

To be continued.

Advice to worshippers at St Big Benedict's Church

Fr John Bercow writes:

Hello, and welcome to St Big Benedict's Church, Westminster, which is I hope a model for churches everywhere. We have had a few problems recently linked to the arrival of new worshippers, mostly from Scotland, so I think it would be helpful for me to explain what is considered to be appropriate conduct during Mass.

St Big Benedict's Church.

1. No clapping in church. We're not happy-clappies you know! The way to signify your approval of a prayer is with a simple "Amen", not a frenzy of clapping and cries of "You really socked it to us there, Father!" If the deacon manages to read the lesson without falling over, there is no need to give him a standing ovation, gifts of flowers, etc. Just act as if it was perfectly normal behaviour.

2. No selfies in church. That includes you, Mhairi Black, you naughty girl! if we let you worship with the grown-ups, rather the attending the under-9s junior church, then you must learn to behave!

We have a naughty step for people like you, Mhairi!

3. No fighting for seats. Poor old Grandad Skinner tells me that he has to come in at 4 a.m. now in order to avoid having his pew taken by our Scottish worshippers; I appreciate that some of you don't realise that he has occupied the same seat for 94 years. Have respect for an old man's wishes - remember. it's row 66, seat 6, that's the number of the Beast of Bolsover. By the way, Grandad, if you could try and stay awake in the service, and stop waking up suddenly with cries of "rubbish!" then we will all be happier.

"... and when I were a lad we 'ad to get up at 3 a.m. to go down t'pew.

4. Dress appropriately! Men should wear trousers, and women skirts, not the other way round! And what was all that nonsense about wearing white roses in Mass? Who do you think you are, Geoff Boycott? Apparently the roses weren't from Scotland, or indeed Yorkshire, but were lovingly grown by slaves in Africa. So what was the point, eh?

5. We are a religious institution. So if I ask you to confess your sins, you do not reply "I deny everything!" Moreover, when the collection bag goes round, put money in, don't take it out. If you have an urgent need for a duck house, you buy with it your own money, not ours!

God Bless!

Fr Bercow, robed for Mass.