Indietrists told to "take a hike"

Following the recommendations from Pope Francis and Arthur Roche that pre-2013 Catholics ("indietrists", "backwardists", "rigidists", etc.) should "go away", "take a hike", and "push off", sixteen thousand of them have taken this advice literally and disappeared into the French countryside between Paris and Chartres.

"The Pope told us to 'get lost' and I'm really not sure where we are now."

Although the journey of the 16,000 is decribed as a "pilgrimage", Pope Francis is not fooled. "When I make a pigrimage, I sit in a comfortable jet with a hundred journalists and invent some new Catholic doctrine," he explained. "I certainly don't go wandering in the wilderness."

Meanwhile, the fact that his own diocese includes England's prime destination for a pilgrimage has not missed the attention of Bishop "Comedy Teeth" Collins of East Anglia, who has decreed that the TLM will no longer be allowed at the shrine. The words of another bishop: "it's important that I try to be a father to everyone in my diocese" clearly don't apply here. In fact, following his Jane Austen namesake, Collins prefers a world of Pride and Prejudice.

"I can't wait to get my teeth into Traditionis Custodes!"

Now it would be extremely childish to use the dentally-challenged bishop's appearance as a way of mocking him, but, on the other hand, at least five people have sent me versions of the following photo (Collins as a young man) so who am I to refrain?

"There's two things that I really abhor - religious intolerance and those flaming Traddies!"

Meanwhile, the late news is that the missing 16,000 have resurfaced somewhere near Chartres, much to the disgust of Pope Francis and Arthur Roche. How do we finish this article, then? With another cheap laugh about Arthur Roche's love of cake, or another one at the expense of the bullying bishop? Oh all right...

"Well done, Bishop Collins, and your reward is a new pair of false teeth."

Synod and Synodality, by Jane Austen Ivereigh

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good job in Rome, must be in want of a synod.

You thought I made up the title, didn't you?

"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Vatican Towers is let at last?"

Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.

"Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife, impatiently.

"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

"It is the patron of our foolish cousin, the Reverend Cupich. It is the famous Lord Francis de Bourgholio! What a fine thing for our girls!"

"How so? How can it affect them?"

"My dear Mr. Bennet," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome? You must know that I am thinking of his inviting one of them to a synod.”

Mr Bennet returned to his newspaper.

"I see here that Bishop Pell has died," he said, "shortly after writing an article denouncing synods. He was not impressed by the new 'Enlarge the space of your tent' philosophy."

Lord Francis de Bourgholio and Mr Cupich prepare to enlarge their tent.

Turning to his favourite daughter, Mr Bennet continued, "“An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not attend a synod, and I will never see you again if you do."

The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were particularly anxious to attend Lord Francis's synod: their minds were more vacant than their sisters', and when nothing better was offered, a camping trip was certain to amuse them.

After listening to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Bennet coolly observed:

"From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, you must be two of the silliest girls in the country. I have suspected it some time, but I am now convinced."

To synod, or not to synod?

His daughter Elizabeth frowned.

"Lizzy, you look as if you did not enjoy seeing the folly of your sisters. For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?"

Will Catherine and Lydia attend the Synod? Why is Major Hollerich so interested in camping? What plans does the wicked Captain Roche have?

Not to be continued. I hope.

Austen apologises for insulting everyone

Why I showed no sense or sensibility in my article for Crux.

Recently I used the term "pride and prejudice" as a metaphor, and then - because we writers feel compelled to substantiate our assertions with good evidence - listed a number of people as examples. That offended Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and many others on their behalf. For that I want to apologize. I shouldn't have given names, and I shouldn’t have used the term "pride and prejudice". Sorry.

Sorry, folks! I was right of course - I always am - but I shouldn't have said it!

Well, that didn’t work out so well. I tried to push out an inflammatory novel under the cover of what in the UK the media calls the "silly season" - John Allen came to me and said "Crux needs something silly, and you're the silliest person we employ" - but all I provoked was a chorus of fury.

I am also in the position of having insulted a very worthy clergyman, Fr William Collins, a good friend of Fr Thomas Rosica, describing him as a pompous and grovelling man, with some kind of neurosis about his position. Would that I had been more respectful, sensitive, and measured when writing about that slimy creep!

Lady Catherine de Bourgh objects to my describing her as "haughty and domineering".

Finally, Miss Lydia Bennet, now Mrs George Wickham, is another whom I have mortally offended, labelling her as silly and flighty. I apologise to the stupid cow and her crooked husband.

It will be noticed that many people have written criticisms of my writing, such as Dr Joseph Shaw, Fr Tim Finigan, Fr John Zuhlsdorf, Fra' Eccles, Dan Hitchens, Ed Peters, Fr Ed Tomlinson, Fr Dwight Longenecker, G.K. Chesterton, Cardinal Newman, ... they can't all be wrong can they? Well, of course they can, if I am right! Still, as Fr Phineas T. Barnum pointed out "there's no such thing as bad clickbait!"

Pope Francis, in his encyclical Al Italia, observes that differences in philosophy, theology and pastoral practice "bring richness to the Church", and he welcomes people who disagree with him. In fact Fr Spadaro has compiled a list of them, with skull and crossbones symbols besides their names! They've not been forgotten!

What new doctrine will the Holy Spirit give us today?

Respect and love and openness to the Spirit - there's the basis for dialogue. How to be equal and unequal; disagree without dividing; how to make two plus two equal five; to square the circle and get round my critics; there's the challenge for querulous Catholic commentators.

Why it's not as if there were some absolute truth that we were all seeking - what a quaint and (dare I say) rigid idea!

Do students of Christianity need a trigger warning?

The normally rather saved Professor Stephen Bullivant has written that students of Christianity need a trigger warning, because they may see distressing images. We asked a few students for their opinions.

Bernadette Snowflake, studying Christianity, Human Flourishing and Liberation Theology, University of Roehampton.

Oh definitely. Although, I'm not too bothered about images of crucifixion, torture, decapitation, rape, and martyrdom: after all, I can see these things on the BBC children's programmes every day. Did you watch their latest dramatisation of Pride and Prejudice? I thought the bit where Mr Collins was eaten by a crocodile was really meaningful and relevant - all right, it was only implied in Jane Austen's novel, but seeing the animal chewing his vital organs one by one was really artistically necessary. And my baby brother liked it too.

The Bennet sisters cheering on the crocodile.

No, what triggers me is the general homophobia, transphobia, femininophobia, and brutality in the New Testament. Who does this character Christ think he is, choosing male disciples? Also, my friend Rebecca is vegan and has a gluten allergy, so she literally threw up when she read about 5,000 wicked people gorging themselves on bread and fish.

Lastly, someone mentioned Heaven and Hell. I've been to Luton, so the idea of Hell doesn't frighten me, but some of my friends found the whole idea very unpleasant. And, anyway, I'm sure Pope Francis has told us that Hell doesn't exist.

I wish I'd taken a less stressful degree course, now. Perhaps Professor Spadaro's Advanced Logic Course?

Austen Allegro, studying Church History and Marxist Studies, Jesuit University of Little Snoring.

Church History is a fascinating subject, and largely consists of people shouting "heretic" at each other, after which the winner gets to burn, decapitate, or torture the loser. But this is perfectly normal human behaviour, and in my family we had no scruples about feeding Auntie Alice to the dogs when we caught her wearing a mantilla at Mass.

However, things have definitely turned nasty these days. I need a trigger warning when I see the name of Cardinal Burke - a man whose actions are more shocking than those of all the Tudor monarchs combined. The way he and his accomplices asked the pope "What rules are we playing by these days, Holy Father?" reminds me of the worst excesses of Hitler. Or Donald Trump. Or Nigel Farage.

I want my Mummy!

Damian's Last Post

From Saturday's Daily Telegraph, or possibly not.

As most people will know by now, Damian Thompson is leaving the Daily Telegraph after an entirely amicable beating up by "self-content officer", "editor-in-chief" and "supreme commander", Jason Seiken. This blog has been given exclusive rights to the Dame's last Telegraph column, the one that was never actually printed.

Jason Seiken - he wants you to consume great content. Or something.

Just what is happening at the Telegraph? Mekon lookalike Jason Seiken has sacked nearly all the staff and from now is going to write the entire newspaper himself. However, all is not lost: reports are coming in that my friend Brainy Gordon is still on board. Brainy is known for her tasteful memoir The wrong knickers; some have compared her descriptions of the angst felt by young ladies seeking men to Jane Austen at her best ("Fie, Mr Bingley! You have sent me the bloomers of Lady Catherine de Bourgh by mistake!"). Brainy is said to be working on a sequel, to be called The wrong bra, or My cup runneth over. My spies tell me that she is in line to become the new business editor of the Telegraph.

Professor Gordon. The badge reminds her how to spell her own name.

I myself am moving on to pastures new. After giving the best years of my life to the Telegraph and recruiting such star bloggers as James Delingpole, David Lindsay, Martin Salter, Gerald Warner, and George Pitcher, I have decided to take my talents elsewhere. Of course I do have my regular column at the Spectator, in which I introduce readers to composers they may never have heard of before, such as the "three Bs" - Bach, Beethoven and Mozart - but this hardly pays enough to keep me in CDs.

So I am currently weighing up various offers: the Australian Pottymouth Gazette, incorporating Rolf Harris's Kangaroo-tying Weekly, is looking for a new correspondent specialising in Catholicism, cupcakes and custard, and I may be in with a chance there. Alternatively, my old friend Cardinal Vincent Nichols has been getting a bad press lately - mostly from me - so I am thinking of offering my services as his new press officer.

Of course, since he suppressed the Protect the Pope blog, Bishop Campbell has also started feeling unwanted. I have written to him, offering to revive the PtP blog, leavening its usual heretic-smiting with a few witty anecdotes about Gladys Mills and Noele Gordon (mother of my friend Brainy!) We'll see if he bites!

Bishop Campbell asks for an extra helping of custard.

One of the great things about my blog is the number of daughter blogs that it has inspired. I regularly read Mundabor's blog, although I don't really understand his references to Pope Quisling and the Sodo-Nazis - I think they must be some sort of rock group.

I even read Bosco's blog!

Then there are Catholicism Pure and Simple, Eccles is Saved, All along the watchtower, the donkey man, etc. Of course my favourite blog of all is On the Side of the Angels, written by my great friend the Archbishop of Corby.

Dude, aren't you homologising the contradictorily monolithic contextualisms of mimetic space, by disregarding the tensely granulated actualities of logocentric wholeness?

So, what else is happening at the Telegraph? There's still a strong religious presence, both from the slightly silly wing of the Catholic Church (Tim Stanley) and the Monster Raving Pelosi church (Cristina Odone); Geoffrey Lean (aged 107) is there to warn us of the dangers of a new technology called the "horseless carriage"; and Dan Hodges is ready to give his expert opinion on the World Cup (apparently England are hot favourites), UKIP (not likely to get any MEPs), and Ed Miliband (a man of impeccable table manners).

The affable Dan Hodges.

Although I am sorry to let my blogging sheep wander unattended, I have every confidence that they will continue to generate click-bait by writing controversial articles, such as "Do Muslims cause climate change, or should we be blaming Steve Gerrard?"

So, farewell to all the readers of my blog, most of whom were banned long ago by my zealous team of Sri Lankan "muddlerators" (thanks, Eccles!) as soon as they said anything intelligent. I'm not generally in favour of euthanasia, but I've arranged for the last remaining trolls - mainly mollusc-molesters, Dawkinsites, incognito deacons, Fabian teenage girls, and of course a coach-load of "Phil" sockpuppets - to be sent to the Lord Falconer Death Camp, as they clearly cannot live without me. Byeee!

Freed from the evil Telegraph Empire, Damian looks 20 years younger already!

Famous writer to appear on ten-pound note

In April we brought you the controversial news that Archbishop Vincent Nichols was to be the new face of the Bank of England £5 note. Since the Catholic church is widely regarded as a symbol of repression, misogyny, chauvinism, etc. (except by most of its female members), a chorus of voices has arisen, calling for a woman to appear on an English banknote.

Following a hard-fought campaign, it has now been decided that the new £10 note will drop Charles Darwin and replace him with Professor Tina Beattie, the well-known expert on "human flourishing".

The "tenner" becomes the "tina".

The campaign for Tina Beattie has not been without its incidents - for example, there were threats on the blogosphere from people who offered to "convert" her or to "educate" her (Italian police are said to be interviewing a retired pope in Rome, who was one of her main attackers). But in the end, the Governor of the Bank of England relented, and the choice of a famous female writer was inevitable.

Known for her pride and prejudice, although not for her sense or sensibility (or persuasion), Professor Beattie has made powerful attacks on the Catholic Church in works such as God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate, where she expresses some highly eccentric views about the Mass. As a result she is much loved by atheists: indeed, Richard Dawkins, although sad to lose Darwin from the £10 note, and piqued that he himself is not to be the replacement, acknowledged that Tina Beattie was "a woman after his own heart".

The "Mass" scene from the soon-to-be-released movie of God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate.

Tina Beattie herself was said to be delighted with the today's news. "People who attend my lectures sometimes say that my notes are worthless," she commented, "but this will prove them wrong!"