Austen apologises for insulting everyone

Why I showed no sense or sensibility in my article for Crux.

Recently I used the term "pride and prejudice" as a metaphor, and then - because we writers feel compelled to substantiate our assertions with good evidence - listed a number of people as examples. That offended Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and many others on their behalf. For that I want to apologize. I shouldn't have given names, and I shouldn’t have used the term "pride and prejudice". Sorry.

Sorry, folks! I was right of course - I always am - but I shouldn't have said it!

Well, that didn’t work out so well. I tried to push out an inflammatory novel under the cover of what in the UK the media calls the "silly season" - John Allen came to me and said "Crux needs something silly, and you're the silliest person we employ" - but all I provoked was a chorus of fury.

I am also in the position of having insulted a very worthy clergyman, Fr William Collins, a good friend of Fr Thomas Rosica, describing him as a pompous and grovelling man, with some kind of neurosis about his position. Would that I had been more respectful, sensitive, and measured when writing about that slimy creep!

Lady Catherine de Bourgh objects to my describing her as "haughty and domineering".

Finally, Miss Lydia Bennet, now Mrs George Wickham, is another whom I have mortally offended, labelling her as silly and flighty. I apologise to the stupid cow and her crooked husband.

It will be noticed that many people have written criticisms of my writing, such as Dr Joseph Shaw, Fr Tim Finigan, Fr John Zuhlsdorf, Fra' Eccles, Dan Hitchens, Ed Peters, Fr Ed Tomlinson, Fr Dwight Longenecker, G.K. Chesterton, Cardinal Newman, ... they can't all be wrong can they? Well, of course they can, if I am right! Still, as Fr Phineas T. Barnum pointed out "there's no such thing as bad clickbait!"

Pope Francis, in his encyclical Al Italia, observes that differences in philosophy, theology and pastoral practice "bring richness to the Church", and he welcomes people who disagree with him. In fact Fr Spadaro has compiled a list of them, with skull and crossbones symbols besides their names! They've not been forgotten!

What new doctrine will the Holy Spirit give us today?

Respect and love and openness to the Spirit - there's the basis for dialogue. How to be equal and unequal; disagree without dividing; how to make two plus two equal five; to square the circle and get round my critics; there's the challenge for querulous Catholic commentators.

Why it's not as if there were some absolute truth that we were all seeking - what a quaint and (dare I say) rigid idea!

Cries of "loony" show Austen Ivereigh is making progress

A special article for Cranx written by Pope Francis.

Austen Ivereigh's misrepresentation of my Order of Malta Anschluss has allowed his critics a potent new line of attack. Traditionalists have already mocked him for his ambivalent comments about Castro, his insistence that Amoris Laetitia should be taken seriously as part of the Magisterium, and his dismissal of everyone who wants clarity in Catholic teaching as some kind of "dissenter".

"Austen, where are your wits?" the posters that appeared in Rome last weekend sarcastically asked.

"I think I've found a working brain cell!"

Now the real irony here is that Austen Ivereigh in fact possesses one of the finest minds of this era, or indeed of any era. All right, they call him mad, but didn't they call George III mad? As one Catholic Voices official I spoke to last week put it, "We are here to serve Austen Ivereigh, and not to question any of his comments. The doctrine of Iverical Infallibility is one of the cornerstones of the Catholic Voices Faith, and we remain loyal to the last."

Don Bergoglio and Anto-Spadza sally forth to attack wind-Müllers.

Actually, I don't know why Austen used a cartoon of Don Quixote to illustrate his article about me - presumably he never read the book - but the quotation he uses ("The dogs are barking, Sancho, it's a sign we're advancing") applies equally to my distinguished biographer. The more jokes people make about his startling resemblance to Ronnie Corbett, the more they laugh at his articles, the more we see this as a sign that this "knight of the woeful countenance" is really on the ball.

John Allen Jr attempts to see things the Ivereigh way.

Anyway, I hope I have now made my point in as confusing a way as possible - if I start being too clear they'll throw me out of the Jesuits - so now I really must get down to a day's work - perhaps taking over another Sovereign Order, perhaps inventing new insults, perhaps sacking some more people, and perhaps simply thinking of new ways of not answering those Dubia!

A pope's work is never done.

Pope meets "gay marriage" bigot

The world was in a state of shock today, after it was revealed that during his American trip Pope Francis had had a personal meeting with someone whose extreme views on same-sex marriage have made them a hate-figure throughout the civilised world.

"He may look like a friendly uncle, but he has disgraced himself."

Said one commentator, "I was really looking forward to the pope's visit to the USA, and in fact I thought that this might even be a good occasion to become a Catholic. But after I heard about Pope Francis's meeting with Barack Obama, I realized that I could not be a member of a church led by someone who was capable of talking to people like that."

The pope's secret meeting with Barack Obama.

Other commentators rushed into print. John Allen Jr, of Crux, said, "Only time will tell what the significance of this meeting really is, so I'm going to write a long article explaining that nobody knows what it's all about." In the National Catholic Reporter, Michael Winters dashed off a hard-hitting piece demanding an explanation of why the pope had been allowed to meet people without his permission.

Meanwhile, everyone agrees that it was a good move for the pope to have met Kim Davis, the heroine of Kentucky. She was clearly a much more interesting person than Obama, who had spent his entire meeting with the pope in droning on about golf and taking selfies.

The Timothy Radcliffe road show (with added Inwood)

Are you planning a Catholic event? Are you worried that it may be too Catholic? These days we've got to be more inclusive, and we need to include Catholics of all shades of opinion: Protestant, atheist, Muslim, ... We don't want to give the impression that being a Catholic is anything to do with what you believe in, as if Catholics somehow rejected liberal secular values! Luckily we've got just the speaker for you - Fr Timothy Radcliffe!

Timothy Radcliffe (R) with John Allen Jr, a poor homeless man.

Fr Radclife, once ludicrously tipped to succeed Basil Hume as Archbishop of Westminster, is known as a dissident from Catholic teaching on sexual ethics. Actually, I'm not sure what else he's known for, as dissidence seems to keep him very busy. A president at one of the infamous Soho Masses, a man who recommended the film Brokeback Mountain, a man who rejects the Church's teaching on homosexual relations - yes, he's just the man to make your Catholic event more liberal. And here are some examples!

Flame 2 - a "yoof" listens raptly to Fr Radcliffe,

Consider Flame 2, then. An event for the "yoof" of today, or middle-aged men pretending to be "yoof-ful". With special yoof-ful guest, Cardinal "I don't think the midterm report was a mistake" Tagle, a hero of the Extraordinary Synod, and just the cardinal to invite if you think Burke is being too, er, serious about his faith. Radcliffe was there, too, as a man who knows how to inspire the yoof!

A yoof-ful Radcliffe.

Now pop over to Vaughan House, near Westminster Cathedral, and listen to Fr Timothy give a Lenten talk on Tolerant and Free despite being Catholic? Subtext - don't let Catholicism get in the way of your liberalism. Are there no limits to this man's ubiquity? Incidentally, Cardinal Nichols, don't think we didn't notice that all four speakers are male Catholic priests - no women priests, not even a Tina Beattie. You sexist trad!

I went to Vaughan House, and all I got was this lousy mug.

The Radcliffe roadshow continues, and unless you've bought one of those tee-shirts listing all his gigs you may not be able keep up with the man. However, the best is still to come. Over at Arundel and Brighton they're celebrating the 50th anniversary of the diocese, as we have mentioned before.

Many of us were hoping that Timothy Radcliffe would be the next bishop of A&B - after Cormac and Kieran he would have kept the comedy tradition alive - but it was not to be. Mgr Richard "Tiger" Moth, Bishop of the Forces, will be the next occupant of "Conry Towers" in Pease Pottage. That leaves a vacancy of course, and if they were to change the name to "Bishop of the Farces", then I would be happy to write a testimonial for Radcliffe.

"Tiger" Moth prepares to land at Pease Pottage.

But we digress. One of the stars of the Arundel and Brighton mega-party is a certain Fr Radcliffe. The best is yet to come, though, and this is a reason why you definitely mustn't miss the fun.

Help is at hand for those who've had too much Radcliffe.

As reported by Men Are Like Wine, Paul Inwood has written a Jubilee Mass for the Arundel and Brighton event. Apparently Lady Gaga was unavailable. As a Lenten penance I decided to listen to the first few tracks. Going into the wilderness of the Inwood, that's the sort of thing I do so that you don't have to.

Track 1: Gathering Song. What do you mean, you didn't know the Mass included a gathering song? To be fair to Uncle Paul, it's not too bad, if you like "socially relevant" songs that only mention God as an afterthought. Still, the tune is a little banal, and the use of irreverent-sounding chords sounds as if Uncle Paul wasn't paying attention in his basic harmony classes.

Track 2: Gathering Chant. Here I started biting the carpet. "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo"??? Well, that's what it sounds like. Listen to it yourself, if you don't believe it. These wordless noises don't really work. Same tune as in 1, with extra moo-sic.

Shouldn't that be "PARATE VIAM DOMINI MOO-OO-OO"?

Track 3: Kyrie. Not too bad, really, although it doesn't sound spiritually nourishing, or even particularly original. He even uses the traddy Greek words. Could we have misjudged Uncle Paul? No, of course not.

Well, I think I've suffered enough Inwood, so I'll stop there.