Tina Beattie gives a lecture

Welcome to Roehampton, everyone! I'm Tina Beattie, Professor of Catholic Studies, and Director of the Digby Stuart Research Centre for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing. So I am a very important authority on the Catholic Faith, whose views are very influential in Tablet-reading circles.

I'm a member of CAFOD's Theological Reference Group, author of the best-selling God's Mother, Eve's Advocate - Comedy Book of the Year, 2003 - and an unoffical adviser to the Polish Bishops' Conference. You can call me ``Holy Mother'', as I am the nearest thing the Catholic Church has to a female Pope.

"And I have an extensive library of theological texts."

Now, some of you are here to study for the priesthood, some are doing degrees in Catholic Studies, while others are brushing up their Human Flourishing Skills. A special welcome to the spotty girl in glasses, who is doing a degree in Nuclear Physics and Human Flourishing, and the man with bloodstains all over his white coat, who hopes to get a B.Sc. in Human Flourishing and Brain Surgery.

Time to brush upon your human flourishing!

In this lecture I'm just going to give you a flavour of the topics that we cover in this Catholicism 101 course. We'll start with my own Syllabus of Errors - a list of teachings that the Catholic Church has got wrong. Sometimes it's the fault of Pope Francis, sometimes they're traditional errors going back to the 12 Disciples, and sometimes we have to lay the blame squarely at the foot of Jesus Christ. Although since he was a mere Man we could not expect Him to be right very often, now could we?

God, by Beattie-celli.

Take Abortion, for example. Many female members of my class may find it helpful to have access to a safe and legal abortion at some stage - their children may not be so keen on being ripped to pieces, but, hey! you can't please everyone all of the time, can you? If you're male, then just accept that this human right is reserved to women only. I am still waiting to hear from the Polish Bishops' Conference about whether they consider the Catechism of the Catholic Church to be more authoritative than the teaching of a Professor of Catholic Studies with her own centre for Human Flourishing! Perhaps our letter got lost in the post?

Traditionally, Polish bishops know nothing about Catholic teaching!

Now some of you came here because you'd heard that I was an expert on mysticism and spirituality. I'll be teaching you the principles of circle dancing later, in a lecture called Knees Up Mother Tina! Others want to learn about the Mass, and why it is the metaphysical consummation of homosexual love. Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? What else could it be about? Still, my book has more details!

To put it simply, this course should be seen as a quest to discover the primordial sacramentality of creation, with a particular focus on questions of gender, nature and embodiment. So, out goes all the stuffy old male Moses-Jesus-Peter-John-Paul all-boys-together Biblical stuff, and in come feminism, paganism, naturism (Lecture 12 is called Tina Bares All), and readings from the Guardian!

It's Biblical, but we don't see it in Catholic Masses, even in Westminster Cathedral, do we?

Now, in this week's assignment, I want you to take some well-known Christian teacher - perhaps Biblical, or one of those boring men like Augustine or Aquinas - and rewrite his thoughts from a feminist point of view. Identify his errors, and explain how by changing his words we can argue for a female priesthood, with me as Archgoddess. Be imaginative!

The Pilgrim's Ogress 9: The Ghost of Digby Stuart

Continued from Part 8.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. Expelled from Portugal for harassing the Prime Minister while he was making an in-depth study of fish markets, they have arrived in Roehampton, near London. M.R. James takes up the story.

What secrets lie behind these doors?

It was, as far as I can ascertain, in August of the year 2014 that a post-chaise drew up one evening before the door of Digby Stuart College, the site of a former Sacred Heart community and school for girls in the handsome borough of Wandsworth. The two passengers in the chaise were a young man in a red biretta, together with a much older lady clutching refreshment in the form of a bottle of gin.

They produced their cards - their names were Eccles and Auntie Moly - and were admitted by a maid, and shown to their rooms; for they had determined on passing the night on the premises in order to investigate a series of mysterious happenings. At around three o'clock of the morning, the young man was woken by a loud scream of "Woeful!" from the room of his aunt, so he hauled himself out of bed, and rushed to her assistance.

He found the old lady gibbering incomprehensibly, her faced twisted into a loathsome caricature: this was exactly as he was accustomed to seeing her, so he was not particularly alarmed. "Eccles!" she cried. "I have seen the ghosts of two nuns. They were writhing restlessly and moaning 'Beware Tina.' They would not leave until I threw my false teeth at them. What can it mean?"

In happier times, saints would pass through Digby Stuart College.

Enquiries from the servants elicited the information that these two ghosts were frequently seen to haunt the college; they were said to be the spectres of Mother Mabel Digby and Mother Janet Stuart, who had founded the college in the nineteenth century. Perturbed by the wicked teachings to be found there, they were unable to rest in their graves.

"Who is this Tina?" asked Eccles. The maid replied that she was a professor at the college whose work centred on religion, society and human flourishing. More specifically, she was fascinated by sex - or at least the subjects of gender, sexuality and reproductive ethics, areas in which she had produced writings that drove most Christians up the wall.

Some pious Catholic girls being driven up the wall.

After further enquiries, it was determined that Professor Tina Beattie lived in a houseboat on the tidal Thames, where she watched birds - focusing particularly on their gender, sexuality and reproductive ethics - and even wrote a webbed log about them.

Many of her most notorious publications had been inspired by the ornithological world; for example, God's mother, Eve's Avocet and Ornithology After Postmodernity: Diving into the Void.

Eve's Avocet.

"You are doing important work here," commented the young man on his arrival at the houseboat. "Watching the birds and the changing tides, occasionally plunging bravely into the river for a swim."

"You think so?" replied the professor. "Do we not agree that there is a need for a new historically and materially rooted theology of the unity of nature and grace? I told the Pope that and he put the phone down on me."

"This is too deep for me," admitted Eccles. "However, you can perform a great service for the souls of Mother Digby and Mother Stuart, simply by staying on your boat, and mumbling to yourself about nature. I would say 'Forget Catholicism,' except that it seems from your writings that you have already forgotten it."

"I shall consider your words carefully," replied his hostess. "Out of the mouths of grebes and ducklings." Eccles blenched in horror as she dived into the Thames, emerging a few minutes later with a fish in her mouth.

Tina Bee-Eater.

To be continued.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 2 - Dr E and the Tableks

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: the pilgrim Eccles and his Auntie Moly, the ogress, have reached Hammersmith. Today's guest author, the late Terry Nation, takes over the story.

Catherine Pepinster and Elena Curti discuss the next issue of the Tablek.

Dr E and his assistant Mol had reached the Tablek fortress in Hammersmith, with its friendly sign outside: Tablek Headquarters - trespassers will be exterminated. "This may be dangerous," said the Doctor, and he suggested to Mol that she take refuge in the local pub, the Aged ACTAvist. Having introduced her to a large gin, Dr E returned to the fortress, used his sonic screwdriver to open the doors, and entered into a maze of narrow corridors. Was this where he would find the Tablek army, which was intent on domination of the Catholic Church, and even prepared to ally with the hated Küngs and Flanneries in order to achieve supreme power?

A pious Catholic is incensed by encountering a Tablek.

Dr E ducked into an alcove as two Tableks glided past in conversation: "POPE FRAN-CIS IS OUR SER-VANT. HE WILL CHANGE CATH-O-LIC TEACH-ING. WE DO NOT NEED TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE HIM YET." Was this true, or had the Tableks been fooled as a result of receiving a mass of confusing signals? The Tableks continued: "WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE? WE DO NOT JUDGE. WE EX-TER-MIN-ATE."

Through a window, the Doctor caught sight of a sinister figure in a mobile life-support chair. Could this really be that evil twisted genius who, some said, was the brain behind the Tableks?

Duffros, riding in his life-support chair.

Yes, it was indeed the dreaded Duffros, a man of undoubted brilliance but one of Dr E's deadliest enemies. The Doctor's courage was almost ready to give way, and he thought briefly of returning to the safety of his Traddis (a converted police-box in which traditional worship was held). But the decision was taken out of his hands. An important-looking Tablek had spotted him, and was approaching rapidly, with the harsh cry of "EVES-AD-VO-CATE! EVES-AD-VO-CATE!"

Dr E encounters Tina Beattie.

To be continued by another author.

Pope Francis takes an aeroplane

Catholic commentators are expecting some special news today, as Pope Francis steps onto an Air Vatican flight to Milan. You can be sure that everything he says and does will be scrutinised very carefully - is he about to move the Catholic Church towards abortion, divorce and same-sex marriage? Or is he going to stick to Christianity?

A life-jacket demonstration or a liturgical abuse?

Well, this is very exciting. The Pope has put down his copy of The God Delusion, and is carefully watching the flight attendant demonstrate the use of the life-jackets. Liberal Catholics will surely interpret this attentiveness as a sign that the Holy Father wishes to make a point about the important role that ladies play in the church - surely the ordination of women cannot be far away?

On the other hand, the pope's nihil obstat to the life-jacket demonstration may also be seen as his way of expressing a traditional pro-life attitude.

Have you noticed that Pope Francis is sitting in seat 6A? Now Pope Benedict always used to sit in seat 8F, so that on take-off he had a good view of St Peter's Basilica. Traditionalists will worry that Francis is deliberately distancing himself from Benedict here by choosing to look at a humble power station on take-off.

Is the subliminal message: "I have the power now"?

Well, we've taken off, and the Pope has picked up The God Delusion again. He's laughing heartily at it, so we may see that as a sign that he is an orthodox Catholic, after all. Apparently, last time he flew he took God's Mother, Eve's Advocate with him, and had to make use of the sick-bag provided.

The flight attendant's coming round with the trolley now. She's offered Pope Francis a choice of drinks, and we can just hear what he's saying to her ex cathedra: "Coffee, please!" The use of "Coffee" here, rather than the Latin word Coffeum preferred by Pope Pius XII, will come as a shock to many - clearly Francis no longer thinks it appropriate to use Latin in a liturgical context. Has he repealed Summorum pontificum?

Well, after that bombshell, we must see what the Pope chooses to eat. A cheese sandwich or ham? Now there's another shock - he's rejected the Battista Ricotta cheese and chosen the ham instead. This is surely a sign that he means to take seriously those allegations of sexual misconduct at the Vatican Bank.

Battista Ricotta - rejected by the Pope.

We note that the Pope has been sitting quietly in his seat during the flight, with his seat-belt attached. Pope John-Paul II used to take his off, and kiss the floor of the aeroplane, but clearly Pope Francis's reign is going to be totally different.

Well, the captain has put on the "seat belts" sign now, and Pope Francis looks up from The God Delusion and smiles at the flight attendant as she takes his coffee cup away. Yes, there's clearly going to be movement on the ordination of women.

"Could you be quiet? I'm trying to read."

Well, that was a most eventful flight, and clearly a lot of commentators are interpreting the pope's words and deeds very carefully. Over at the Tablet they are quaffing champagne, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead. At the other end of the spectrum, the good folk at Rorate Caeli are on the telephone to the Samaritans, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead.

Famous writer to appear on ten-pound note

In April we brought you the controversial news that Archbishop Vincent Nichols was to be the new face of the Bank of England £5 note. Since the Catholic church is widely regarded as a symbol of repression, misogyny, chauvinism, etc. (except by most of its female members), a chorus of voices has arisen, calling for a woman to appear on an English banknote.

Following a hard-fought campaign, it has now been decided that the new £10 note will drop Charles Darwin and replace him with Professor Tina Beattie, the well-known expert on "human flourishing".

The "tenner" becomes the "tina".

The campaign for Tina Beattie has not been without its incidents - for example, there were threats on the blogosphere from people who offered to "convert" her or to "educate" her (Italian police are said to be interviewing a retired pope in Rome, who was one of her main attackers). But in the end, the Governor of the Bank of England relented, and the choice of a famous female writer was inevitable.

Known for her pride and prejudice, although not for her sense or sensibility (or persuasion), Professor Beattie has made powerful attacks on the Catholic Church in works such as God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate, where she expresses some highly eccentric views about the Mass. As a result she is much loved by atheists: indeed, Richard Dawkins, although sad to lose Darwin from the £10 note, and piqued that he himself is not to be the replacement, acknowledged that Tina Beattie was "a woman after his own heart".

The "Mass" scene from the soon-to-be-released movie of God’s Mother, Eve’s Advocate.

Tina Beattie herself was said to be delighted with the today's news. "People who attend my lectures sometimes say that my notes are worthless," she commented, "but this will prove them wrong!"

Charity appeal on behalf of poor Tina

Notwithstanding our earlier Justice for Tina! campaign, the distinguished "Catholic" theologian, Professor Tina Beattie, continues to be left out in the cold.

Hello, is that the Tablet? Could you invite me to something? Anything?

After humiliation at the hands of Clifton Cathedral (where bouncers are still posted to keep her out), she has now been rejected by the University of San Diego's Frances G. Harpst Center of Catholic Thought and Culture. At this rate, she will be forced to spend most of her time in Roehampton, giving lectures and writing blogs, articles, and books. A terrible come-down indeed!

Tina Beattie's idea of the Mass.

The fact is that, after ten years, somebody finally opened Tina Beattie's monumental tome God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, and discovered that she had made a perfectly natural blunder - confusing the Mass (Matthew 26, for example) with an act of homosexual sex (Genesis 19, say). It's easy to do if you don't check your sources properly.

Then again, Tina's views on same-sex marriage, abortion, etc., are not likely to offend anyone except people of a religious disposition (oh, and many atheists too). Certainly they are not wacky enough to put her title of "Britain's Leading Catholic Moral Theologian" in dispute.

Luckily, some prestigious organizations are still offering invitations to Tina.

All we are asking today is for you to give a little of your time to help rehabilitate Tina. Wear a "Justice for Tina" armband. If you are a Catholic blogger (and who isn't these days?) add this "I love Tina" image to your blog.

A way to show your support for poor Tina.

And, if you are able to, invite Tina to come and give you a lecture. Get her to tell you how much she supports everything the Pope is doing for the Catholic Church. Ask her to give her famous lecture Why I hold life sacred, from conception to natural death; or, if you're not a religious organization but, say, a Rugby club or a stag party, ask her to speak on Some dirty thoughts you can have during Mass.

REHABILITATE TINA NOW!