Lenten Reflections on Modernism

This blog will soon be closing for Lent, as I retire into the contemplative life of a hermit. I shall move to a shed on the Costa Blanca, where my only companions will be my four faithful hippopotamuses: Dolan, Pickles, Batmanghelidjh, and Auntie Moly. As a modern St Francis - or maybe St Augustine of Hippo - I shall exchange spiritually nourishing ideas with these highly intelligent creatures, but, except possibly on some Sundays, there will be nothing new to read on this blog.

Auntie Moly has a spiritually nourishing idea.

So, to give you material for reflection during Lent, here are some thoughts on modernism in a religious context.

Pre-Vatican II. A spiritual experience. Note the clouds of incense.

Post-Vatican II. Worshippers don't even know where they're going.

The revolution in Catholicism can be traced to three events, which collectively are known as "Vatican II". First, there was the Beeching report, saying that churches should be modernized, some being closed down and the others becoming soul-less. The results can be seen above - in the "modernist" service we don't even know which way the priest's going to be facing. "Extraordinary form" services still exist, but the Spirit of Vatican II is against them, and they are often only available to the lucky few in churches run by enthusiasts.

Traddy worship. Note how Fr Boycott's vestments are liturgically appropriate.

Bad vestments with the priest's name on the back!

Second, there was the move to bad vestments, and the rush to complete all one's worship in one day. Before Vatican II, a Mass could easily last five days, with intervals for lunch and tea. Experienced worshippers would use terms such as "night-watchman" (usually a disparaging reference to a deacon who came in for the night-time vigil), and "state of the pitch" (a reference to the quality of the unaccompanied Gregorian chant). These concepts have now largely disappeared.

An asperges from Pope Pertwee.

A guitar Mass with Pope Capaldi.

Finally, there was the Medicus Quis. In the olden days, Pope St Pertwee's main recipe for salvation was to "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," which in theological terms means "turn back, O Man, forswear thy foolish ways." He often found salvation via the ventilation shaft (whence came the "rushing wind" of the Holy Spirit), and his services never employed guitars; only rarely did he use gimmicks such as the sonic screwdriver.

Pope Capaldi, on the other hand, relies almost exclusively on the sonic screwdriver. A demon appears? Zap it. A penitent needs a blessing? Zap him (oops. you weren't supposed to use the same setting, Father). Alleluia, zap-zap!

I hope these little thoughts will help you to stay saved during Lent. At least the hippopotamuses appreciated them.

Fraser St Giles to be closed down

Following a remarkable article in the Guardian, proposing a "Beeching axe" to English country churches (Anglican, presumably, although most were formerly Catholic), it has been announced by Network Rail that all train services from Fraser St Giles are to be withdrawn.

As Gray's Elegy in a Country Churchyard put it: sorry, we've been closed down.

The prospect of English country churches closing down, and perhaps - as a result of the Vicky Beeching axe - to be replaced by a network of gay-friendly "encounter centres", open to all, including atheists (but NOT Conservatives, of course), is an inviting one.

The future for rural English worship.

Meanwhile, is it not in the spirit of England that old ladies should cycle to communion in the morning mist? And if they have to cycle 30 miles to an urban church (the only ones that we should allow!), then we will be breeding a new generation of super-fit old ladies, which must be good for the nation.

Giles Fraser explains his new plans for the Anglican church.

Beeching of course was greatly admired for his fearless cuts to rail services. The people in such towns as Gosport, Dunstable, and Otley, for example, never cease to thank their lucky stars that they are not troubled by the noise of trains.

As for Fraser St Giles, well it was a rather unaesthetic station, mainly known for its 7.49 a.m. "thinkers" special and its occasional more substantial "Loose Canon Street" journeys. Often there were problems with services going off the rails, and delays caused by the wrong kind of beliefs on the line. But there are still people prepared to defend this anachronism.

Supporters of Fraser St Giles demonstrate against its planned closure.