This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 9 February 2016

Lenten Reflections on Modernism

This blog will soon be closing for Lent, as I retire into the contemplative life of a hermit. I shall move to a shed on the Costa Blanca, where my only companions will be my four faithful hippopotamuses: Dolan, Pickles, Batmanghelidjh, and Auntie Moly. As a modern St Francis - or maybe St Augustine of Hippo - I shall exchange spiritually nourishing ideas with these highly intelligent creatures, but, except possibly on some Sundays, there will be nothing new to read on this blog.

hippo

Auntie Moly has a spiritually nourishing idea.

So, to give you material for reflection during Lent, here are some thoughts on modernism in a religious context.

Mallard

Pre-Vatican II. A spiritual experience. Note the clouds of incense.

cheap train

Post-Vatican II. Worshippers don't even know where they're going.

The revolution in Catholicism can be traced to three events, which collectively are known as "Vatican II". First, there was the Beeching report, saying that churches should be modernized, some being closed down and the others becoming soul-less. The results can be seen above - in the "modernist" service we don't even know which way the priest's going to be facing. "Extraordinary form" services still exist, but the Spirit of Vatican II is against them, and they are often only available to the lucky few in churches run by enthusiasts.

Boycott batting

Traddy worship. Note how Fr Boycott's vestments are liturgically appropriate.

pyjama cricket

Bad vestments with the priest's name on the back!

Second, there was the move to bad vestments, and the rush to complete all one's worship in one day. Before Vatican II, a Mass could easily last five days, with intervals for lunch and tea. Experienced worshippers would use terms such as "night-watchman" (usually a disparaging reference to a deacon who came in for the night-time vigil), and "state of the pitch" (a reference to the quality of the unaccompanied Gregorian chant). These concepts have now largely disappeared.

Jon Pertwee

An asperges from Pope Pertwee.

Peter Capaldi

A guitar Mass with Pope Capaldi.

Finally, there was the Medicus Quis. In the olden days, Pope St Pertwee's main recipe for salvation was to "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," which in theological terms means "turn back, O Man, forswear thy foolish ways." He often found salvation via the ventilation shaft (whence came the "rushing wind" of the Holy Spirit), and his services never employed guitars; only rarely did he use gimmicks such as the sonic screwdriver.

Pope Capaldi, on the other hand, relies almost exclusively on the sonic screwdriver. A demon appears? Zap it. A penitent needs a blessing? Zap him (oops. you weren't supposed to use the same setting, Father). Alleluia, zap-zap!

I hope these little thoughts will help you to stay saved during Lent. At least the hippopotamuses appreciated them.

13 comments:

  1. Shall we engage in mutual missing each other, Dear Bruvver Eccles?

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    1. Well, you can still carry on chatting here, and I will muddlerate the comments so that they get posted.

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  2. I expect you have seen this month's video from Pope Francis about not leaving litter on the beach. Next month I am unreliably informed will be a reminder to test our smoke alarms during lent. His Holiness does not want to burn.

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    1. And brush your teeth afer eating chocolate eggs. This is the true message of Easter.

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  3. I had already promised to give up chocolate and crisps for the duration - and now it seems I'm to be deprived of Eccles as well. It's too much denial. I may have to start eating chocolate again.

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  4. I feel a bit sorry for Aunt Moly. She's rolled in the ashes - surely she isn't that sinful ?

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  5. I came across a wonderful account on Modernism which originates from Bishop Fellay SSPX. In your meditations you might like:-
    http://www.cfnews.org/page88/files/14e8cf27a431ca52105cf70b45567b82-149.html
    Excellent reading for meditation!

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  6. Bruvver Eccles, I just discovered you, and here you are off for forty days. Have a Blessed Lent.

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  7. Methinks you protest too much, Eccles. Surely the sartorial exactitude demonstrated by Fr Boycott is, quite literally, a load of old flannel. The modern leaning towards terry-towelling is much more in tune with the lived reality of today’s clerics. As for Ad Orientem, as Fr Boycott will tell you (interminably) “it’s a side-on game, lad”. Go figure. Like it or not, the One-Day Mass (ODM) is here to stay, and it’s what people want – more participation, more excitement, shouting drunkenly, etc. And in any case the Headingly (or “Yorkshire Use”) Rite, pre-Kerry Packer/ Vatican II, always contained idiosyncrasies lost upon the rest of us. Boycott himself was a magical presider, able to make time stand still. And by the end of one of his interminable innings, you pretty much felt it had.

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  8. And there was I about to give you up for Lent and you have gone and spoilt it.

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  9. Thanks for the picture of Auntie Moly! I always wondered what she looked like. Now my insatiable curtiosity is satisfied. Thanks again and G-d Bless!
    Jim of Olym

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