Adopt a saint!

I have just come across a program that assigns you a random saint. Of course I had to try it, and out came St Gotthard of Hildesheim, who was new to me, as I presumably am to him too.

My saint.

From now on, we expect to be better acquainted, but Gotthard (if I may call him that) seems to have his hands full looking after travelling merchants; he is also invoked against fever, dropsy, childhood sicknesses, hailstones, the pain of childbirth, and gout; not to mention those in peril of the sea. It is unlikely that I shall ever suffer the pain of childbirth, unless it means my own birth, which was a distinctly rough experience, what with the doctor, who had never even met me before, thumping me on the back and then cutting my umblical cord. No wonder I hated the experience.

Hailstones are another matter - these are presumably a meteorological condition, rather than a medical one (that's gallstones), and like almost everyone else I am occasionally troubled by them. Saying "Hail, Mary" doesn't seem to be quite right here.

Pray to St Gotthard! Or alternatively, just go indoors.

In a previous piece I adopted a cardinal - Ouellet, who does not seem to have acknowledged the gifts I sent him: Eccles cakes, a statue of myself, and a copy of my autobiography Eccles, the man of destiny. Part 1: the unsaved years. Later, I adopted a deacon, and then a pope: in this case, Hyginus, the first pope never to have been canonized. I'm still working on that one,

So now I have to think of ways of supporting St Gotthard. Obviously a few preliminary prayers are in order, of the "Hello, Gotthard. I'm your patronized human; may I invoke your help some time?" sort. Then perhaps one day I shall make a pilgrimage to Hildesheim, which is not far from Hanover. He'd like that.

On my way...

For a saint, Gotthard had a relatively dull and uneventful life. He was a monk first, then became bishop of Hildesheim in 1022. During the fifteen years of his episcopal government, he won the respect of his clergy, as Wikipedia puts it: a custom that has long since died out in Germany. He also got some thirty churches built, which is something of a miracle in itself.

All in all, I am quite happy with my adopted saint. Presumably he will accept prayers in English: everyone understands English IF YOU SPEAK LOUDLY ENOUGH. Or maybe Latin - how nice to have a universal language available for all purposes to do with spiritual nourishment. I'd better start now: is that a touch of gout coming on, or is it just pins and needles? Salve Gottharde...

Hospice in the St Gotthard pass.

Adopt a Pope!

A saved pusson writes:

My adopted pop. All will be explaned later.

You may remember dat in March, when dey was electin a new pop, we was invited to adopt a cradinal, and by de luck of de draw I got Cradinal Marc Ouellet, wot is a good man but did not become pop. He is de prefect of de congregation for bishops instead. I knows wot prefects does cos I read about it in de grate classics of literature like Moleswort, Billy Butner and Tom Brown's Scholdays.

Cripes! A nuaughty Etonian wot is gonna be dicsiplined by de school prefect.

If de prefect catches de junior bishops bein nuaghty den he has got to discipline em. For example, if a bishop starts doin silly dances durin prep, he can be told to write out I must not be a silly bishop 200 times. Now dey tells me dat Bishop Keiran Corny may be in danger of havin to bend down and take six of de best cos he said silly fings about Islam bein pretty much as good as Christainity.

A mountian dat wuld not go to Mohammed (but proper faith can move mountians).

After adoptin a cradinal, I den tried to adopt a deacon. Well dat's a very sad story, as some poeple just aint got de quallities of kindness needed to be saved like me. Let's move on.

De new initaitive is Adopt a Pop! In de times of de early church, de career path of a pop wot wanted to become a saint was simple:

age 0: born in humble circumstances;
age 12: elected bishop, cos de previous bishop had been martryed;
age 14: become pop;
age 16: die horribly for de faith;
age 500: become a siant.

Nowadays it is a little different:

age 0: born;
age 25: become a priest;
age 40: bishop;
age 50: archbishop;
age 60: cradinal;
age 75: pop;
age 90: die wiv diggnity, muorned by all except Richard Dakwins;
age 95: become a siant.

So we gotta press de cases of all de pops wot aint yet saints, or else poeple is gonna say dey werent as good as John XXIII, John-Paul II, etc. My first idea was to choose a random pop, and de luck of de draw gave me Pop Nubmer 88, Constantine (708-715).

Pope Constantine; but maybe it is too early to cannonize him.

Constantine was a worthy man, and apparently a great opponent of monothelitism, a heresay promoted by de Tablet in those days. But it is too soon to consider him for cannonization.

No, we must go back to Pop Nubmer 9, Hyginus (138-142). Dis is de first pop never to be cannonized, and it seems very unfair, does it not? Wikipedia says: Tradition holds that during his papacy he determined the various prerogatives of the clergy and defined the grades of the ecclesiastical hierarchy. You got it, we has him to thank for havin deacons, priests, monsingors, bishops, etc. How lucky we is.

Not sure if Hyginus invented baths, hygeine, etc.

We don't know how Hyginus died, but it seems dat he didnt manage to become a matryr, which may explane his failure to get cannonized. Still, it's never too late, so please remember him, and if you experience any miracles which may be due to him, then let us know. Or you could just choose a pop of your own.