Ouellet puts the boot in

Dear brother Carlo Maria Viganò,

As Deputy Assistant Vice-Pope, and one who might have gone to the top if it hadn't been for the St Gallen mob - er, I mean the Holy Spirit - I am writing to you about your latest statements spilling the Faggioli about Pope Francis (a little Vatican joke, there. Beans, get it? Oh, suit yourself.)

"Oh look, it's Ted over there!"

I find your current attitude incomprehensible and extremely troubling, as it makes the Pope, Cardinals and Bishops look like complete fools. Which nobody ever suspected before. Remember that criticising the Holy Father is blasphemy (CCC 9745, added today), and far worse than, say, criticising Jesus, who did not have the advantages of reading Amoris Laetitia.

How dare you say that Pope Benedict - whoever he may be - put sanctions on Uncle Ted McCarrick? The fact is that when Pope Francis took over he found Ted lying in chains in a deep dungeon, deprived of even the humblest seminarian for companionship. Being a merciful as well as humble pope, he promptly released him, saying "Go and sin some more" (John 8:11). Uncle Ted was promptly made the Vatican's Special Envoy to Vulnerable Seminarians, and how do you dare criticise the Pope's decision?

"Read this lot before you release McCarrick."

Of course, Pope Francis makes prudential judgements, and he is not infallible, except when he chooses to be. And he does now.

Dear pontifical representative emeritus, I tell you frankly that to accuse Pope Francis of having covered-up knowingly the case of an alleged sexual predator is unbelievable and without foundation. He didn't bother mentioning the case to anyone, but that is not the same thing at all.

I have the privilege of having long meetings with Pope Francis every week to discuss the appointment of bishops and the problems that affect their governance. I know very well how he treats persons and problems: with great charity, mercy, attentiveness and seriousness, as you too have experienced. (Hang on a minute, Eccles, that's a real quotation.)

We must recognise Pope Francis for what he is, a true shepherd, a martyr, a saint, a resolute and compassionate father, a prophetic grace for the Church and for the world; yes, a humble man who gave his last euro to a dying beggar, and didn't ask for it back until later. He is incapable of doing wrong, and I can only conclude that your revelations are part of a plot to incriminate him for things he may or may not have done; until he agrees to a DNA test we can't be sure, can we?

"No, no, I'm only *dressed* like a hit-man."

Don't think you'll get away with this, Viganò. We know where you live. Well, we don't, but when we find you, you'll wish you'd taken out extra accident insurance.

Your loving brother in Christ,

Marc Ouellet, the Very Eminent.

Bishop revives "Protect the Pope" blog

Having studied my recent article, entitled Is your bishop saved? Mgr Michael Campbell, Bishop of Lancaster and an old friend of this blog, has decided to do something noble. On his own blog he has attacked ACTA, the dissent group that was a source of many Protect the Pope articles.

"Eccles tells me you may be saved after all."

We have not yet contacted Bishop Campbell for a statement, but we believe that he intends to revive the Protect the Pope blog under another name. So far he has not yet installed a little widget that tells you how long it is since Enda Kenny should have been excommunicated (1 year, 7 months, 4 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours and a few minutes at the time of writing), but I am sure that it will be coming soon.

We are also looking forward to in-depth articles about the evils of QUEST, the Soho Masses Pastoral Council, Tony Flannery, Tina Beattie, Basil Loftus, old uncle Tim Radcliffe and all. Or maybe not, as most of these do not operate in his diocese (when Basil Loftus goes down to London from Ochmahairasee to collect his thirty pieces of silver from the Catholic Times, he always uses the East Coast Main Line, rather than the West, in order to to avoid trouble in Lancaster).

Cardinal Ouellet and friends excommunicate Enda Kenny as gently as possible.

Bishop Campbell's robust attack on ACTA has been vigorously supported by Cardinal Vincent Nichols. "I do not think that secret societies, with their passwords, funny handshakes and odd rituals, provide the best method for conducting dialogue of this sort," he explained. "I much prefer it when people come out in the open and write letters to the Catholic Herald, or else appear on BBC Radio 4 talking to Ed 'Stewpot' Stourton. That's the sort of dialogue the Pope has asked for, not the cloak-and-dagger tactics favoured by ACTA."

Ed "Stewpot" Stourton interviews a member of ACTA.

Anyway, following Bishop Campbell's initiative, we look forward to seeing other bishops follow suit. Will we see a "Protect the Pope (Arundel and Brighton Branch)"? Well, miracles do happen...

Adopt a saint!

I have just come across a program that assigns you a random saint. Of course I had to try it, and out came St Gotthard of Hildesheim, who was new to me, as I presumably am to him too.

My saint.

From now on, we expect to be better acquainted, but Gotthard (if I may call him that) seems to have his hands full looking after travelling merchants; he is also invoked against fever, dropsy, childhood sicknesses, hailstones, the pain of childbirth, and gout; not to mention those in peril of the sea. It is unlikely that I shall ever suffer the pain of childbirth, unless it means my own birth, which was a distinctly rough experience, what with the doctor, who had never even met me before, thumping me on the back and then cutting my umblical cord. No wonder I hated the experience.

Hailstones are another matter - these are presumably a meteorological condition, rather than a medical one (that's gallstones), and like almost everyone else I am occasionally troubled by them. Saying "Hail, Mary" doesn't seem to be quite right here.

Pray to St Gotthard! Or alternatively, just go indoors.

In a previous piece I adopted a cardinal - Ouellet, who does not seem to have acknowledged the gifts I sent him: Eccles cakes, a statue of myself, and a copy of my autobiography Eccles, the man of destiny. Part 1: the unsaved years. Later, I adopted a deacon, and then a pope: in this case, Hyginus, the first pope never to have been canonized. I'm still working on that one,

So now I have to think of ways of supporting St Gotthard. Obviously a few preliminary prayers are in order, of the "Hello, Gotthard. I'm your patronized human; may I invoke your help some time?" sort. Then perhaps one day I shall make a pilgrimage to Hildesheim, which is not far from Hanover. He'd like that.

On my way...

For a saint, Gotthard had a relatively dull and uneventful life. He was a monk first, then became bishop of Hildesheim in 1022. During the fifteen years of his episcopal government, he won the respect of his clergy, as Wikipedia puts it: a custom that has long since died out in Germany. He also got some thirty churches built, which is something of a miracle in itself.

All in all, I am quite happy with my adopted saint. Presumably he will accept prayers in English: everyone understands English IF YOU SPEAK LOUDLY ENOUGH. Or maybe Latin - how nice to have a universal language available for all purposes to do with spiritual nourishment. I'd better start now: is that a touch of gout coming on, or is it just pins and needles? Salve Gottharde...

Hospice in the St Gotthard pass.

The Bergoglio Conspiracy

As many of my readers will know, I was hanging around Rome in a red biretta in March 2013, hoping to participate in the election of a successor to Pope Benedict XVI. The Adopt a Cardinal website had randomly allocated me Cardinal Ouellet, and I was providing him with all the support at my disposal, including gifts of sandwiches, lemonade, and a stuffed gorilla that someone had left behind in our church.

A gift for Cardinal Ouellet.

It was a dark and rainy night, and I was wondering what other little kindnesses I could render towards my chosen cardinal, when I heard a sharp "Psst!" and saw, skulking in the shadows, an oddly-assorted couple: a large man dressed as a priest, and a smaller smartly-dressed man in glasses. "Austen Ivereigh" said the small man. "No, Ford Prefect," I replied, thinking that he was asking about my car.

Cardinal Cormac issues his instructions.

"The Argentine goose is coming to land in Rome," said the large man, mysteriously. "I hope that we can rely on your support."

"Eh?"

"The chemist at the conclave is ready to release white smoke," he went on. "Or, to put it terms that even an idiot would understand: can we rely on you to support Team Bergoglio?"

Don't cross Cormac the Mighty!

"You wouldn't want to wake up with a horse's head in your bed, now, would you?" continued the smaller man. "My friend here can't take part in the conclave himself, but he's decided what result we want, and we need your backing. Old man Kasper's with us. Hummes is signed up. Dolan will stay on board if we keep him well fed. Mahony will do what we tell him. All in all, we're heading for victory here."

"Who is this Bergoglio?" I asked. "What is he likely to do if he becomes pope?"

"If he doesn't want to end up at the bottom of the Tiber in concrete boots, he'll do whatever we tell him," cackled the older man. "For a start, he'll make Vincent Nichols a cardinal - which Benedict would never have done - and then at the next conclave we can push for Vin to take over as pope. Gay masses in the Lateran Basilica! Tina Beattie addressing the College of Cardinals! Can you imagine it? All my dreams come true!"

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor explains his plans.

In the end I owned up that I probably wouldn't be allowed into the conclave to vote: the red biretta was fine, but apparently the security checks were becoming more stringent, and in the end they had no record of a Cardinal Eccles. "Well, remember!" insisted the older man. "If anyone asks, this conversation never took place! You never saw me. I wasn't here..." He drew his fingers across his neck in the liturgically-approved "I'll slit your throat if you betray us" gesture, and the pair of them disappeared into the shadows.

Eccles feels threatened.

It is only now that the truth is coming out: a rival gang, known only as "Team Burke", has provided me with a totally new identity, and I am ready to tell my story.

Adopt a Pope!

A saved pusson writes:

My adopted pop. All will be explaned later.

You may remember dat in March, when dey was electin a new pop, we was invited to adopt a cradinal, and by de luck of de draw I got Cradinal Marc Ouellet, wot is a good man but did not become pop. He is de prefect of de congregation for bishops instead. I knows wot prefects does cos I read about it in de grate classics of literature like Moleswort, Billy Butner and Tom Brown's Scholdays.

Cripes! A nuaughty Etonian wot is gonna be dicsiplined by de school prefect.

If de prefect catches de junior bishops bein nuaghty den he has got to discipline em. For example, if a bishop starts doin silly dances durin prep, he can be told to write out I must not be a silly bishop 200 times. Now dey tells me dat Bishop Keiran Corny may be in danger of havin to bend down and take six of de best cos he said silly fings about Islam bein pretty much as good as Christainity.

A mountian dat wuld not go to Mohammed (but proper faith can move mountians).

After adoptin a cradinal, I den tried to adopt a deacon. Well dat's a very sad story, as some poeple just aint got de quallities of kindness needed to be saved like me. Let's move on.

De new initaitive is Adopt a Pop! In de times of de early church, de career path of a pop wot wanted to become a saint was simple:

age 0: born in humble circumstances;
age 12: elected bishop, cos de previous bishop had been martryed;
age 14: become pop;
age 16: die horribly for de faith;
age 500: become a siant.

Nowadays it is a little different:

age 0: born;
age 25: become a priest;
age 40: bishop;
age 50: archbishop;
age 60: cradinal;
age 75: pop;
age 90: die wiv diggnity, muorned by all except Richard Dakwins;
age 95: become a siant.

So we gotta press de cases of all de pops wot aint yet saints, or else poeple is gonna say dey werent as good as John XXIII, John-Paul II, etc. My first idea was to choose a random pop, and de luck of de draw gave me Pop Nubmer 88, Constantine (708-715).

Pope Constantine; but maybe it is too early to cannonize him.

Constantine was a worthy man, and apparently a great opponent of monothelitism, a heresay promoted by de Tablet in those days. But it is too soon to consider him for cannonization.

No, we must go back to Pop Nubmer 9, Hyginus (138-142). Dis is de first pop never to be cannonized, and it seems very unfair, does it not? Wikipedia says: Tradition holds that during his papacy he determined the various prerogatives of the clergy and defined the grades of the ecclesiastical hierarchy. You got it, we has him to thank for havin deacons, priests, monsingors, bishops, etc. How lucky we is.

Not sure if Hyginus invented baths, hygeine, etc.

We don't know how Hyginus died, but it seems dat he didnt manage to become a matryr, which may explane his failure to get cannonized. Still, it's never too late, so please remember him, and if you experience any miracles which may be due to him, then let us know. Or you could just choose a pop of your own.

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.

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Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.

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An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.

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Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.

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We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.

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There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.

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In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Conrad Black.

Michael Palin.

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!

Adopt a Cardinal!

Cradinal Marc Oullet is dellighted to know that Eccles has adopted him.

I was told about a luvvly website called Adopt a Cradinal, which allows people to adopt a cradinal wot dey can support durin de next few weeks while dey is ellecting a new Pop.

De website randomly gave me Cradinal Oullet, wot is Canadian, and seems to be quite a saved pusson on the whole. De Paddy Power bettin site has got him in 4th place at 8/1 odds. Above him dere is Angelo Scola, Peter Turkson and Tarcisio Bertone, but my freind Damain Thopmson says dat one of dem has got bad hair, annuver has got a weight problem, and de third is addicted to cupcakes. So probabbly Cradinal Oullet is gonna win.

Cradinal Vingt-Trois of Paris, disquallified for havvin a silly name.

Well, I has been doin what I can to help Cradinal Oullet. I has been sendin him food parcels, and I telephones him several times a day to see whevver he has any little jobs wot want doin. De last time I telephoned him at 4 a.m. to say "Ullo, Cradinal, I is coming to Rome soon. Is dere anyfink I can do for you when I get dere?"

Cradinal Oullet replied "Just go and jump in the Tiber you pest," which sounds like creul words to me, but I am sure dat if a Cradinal tells you to do it, he gotta have a good reason. My freind Damain says dat Cradinal Cormac often used to tell him to tie weights to his ankles and jump in de Thames: however, he never did it.

Gonna be jumpin from here, probabbly.

Well, dat's all I got time for right now, but I shall say a prayer for Cradinal Oullet, dat he gets de top job, or, if he doesn't, dat he votes for me.

Now, where can I get swimmin lessons?