This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Adopt a Pope!

A saved pusson writes:

Pope Hyginus

My adopted pop. All will be explaned later.

You may remember dat in March, when dey was electin a new pop, we was invited to adopt a cradinal, and by de luck of de draw I got Cradinal Marc Ouellet, wot is a good man but did not become pop. He is de prefect of de congregation for bishops instead. I knows wot prefects does cos I read about it in de grate classics of literature like Moleswort, Billy Butner and Tom Brown's Scholdays.


Cripes! A nuaughty Etonian wot is gonna be dicsiplined by de school prefect.

If de prefect catches de junior bishops bein nuaghty den he has got to discipline em. For example, if a bishop starts doin silly dances durin prep, he can be told to write out I must not be a silly bishop 200 times. Now dey tells me dat Bishop Keiran Corny may be in danger of havin to bend down and take six of de best cos he said silly fings about Islam bein pretty much as good as Christainity.


A mountian dat wuld not go to Mohammed (but proper faith can move mountians).

After adoptin a cradinal, I den tried to adopt a deacon. Well dat's a very sad story, as some poeple just aint got de quallities of kindness needed to be saved like me. Let's move on.

De new initaitive is Adopt a Pop! In de times of de early church, de career path of a pop wot wanted to become a saint was simple:

age 0: born in humble circumstances;
age 12: elected bishop, cos de previous bishop had been martryed;
age 14: become pop;
age 16: die horribly for de faith;
age 500: become a siant.
Nowadays it is a little different:
age 0: born;
age 25: become a priest;
age 40: bishop;
age 50: archbishop;
age 60: cradinal;
age 75: pop;
age 90: die wiv diggnity, muorned by all except Richard Dakwins;
age 95: become a siant.
So we gotta press de cases of all de pops wot aint yet saints, or else poeple is gonna say dey werent as good as John XXIII, John-Paul II, etc. My first idea was to choose a random pop, and de luck of de draw gave me Pop Nubmer 88, Constantine (708-715).

Pope Constantine

Pope Constantine; but maybe it is too early to cannonize him.

Constantine was a worthy man, and apparently a great opponent of monothelitism, a heresay promoted by de Tablet in those days. But it is too soon to consider him for cannonization.

No, we must go back to Pop Nubmer 9, Hyginus (138-142). Dis is de first pop never to be cannonized, and it seems very unfair, does it not? Wikipedia says: Tradition holds that during his papacy he determined the various prerogatives of the clergy and defined the grades of the ecclesiastical hierarchy. You got it, we has him to thank for havin deacons, priests, monsingors, bishops, etc. How lucky we is.

Roman baths

Not sure if Hyginus invented baths, hygeine, etc.

We don't know how Hyginus died, but it seems dat he didnt manage to become a matryr, which may explane his failure to get cannonized. Still, it's never too late, so please remember him, and if you experience any miracles which may be due to him, then let us know. Or you could just choose a pop of your own.


  1. Bruvver, I've just rolled 1D266, and came up wiv 114.
    hmmm, let's see who Pop 114 is, and is he a savd pusson, a marter, and a saint ?

    It's good old Papa Romanus, who was Pop for a solid 4 months !!!

    He mad lots of annulments, so Tina at the Tablet will like him, especially because he cancelld all of Pop 113's decisions, but then he got the sack and became a monk.

    Still, better than Pop 115 who was Pop for 20 days and then died !! (Pop 113 was definitely not a savd pusson though)

    Still -- all these Pops killing each other and playing wiv each uvver's dead boddys isn't very interessin compared wiv all those traddy cathlics who hate wimmin, gays and the kiss of peace, right bruvver ?

    Allelluia-ch-ch !!!

  2. After sucksessiv.. susseccive.. - more than one - rolls of the dice I came up with #87 - Pop Sisinnius.

    Dere is much to like about this Pop. Though conflicted with gout he was no sissy. He wuz a Syrian. Dey cud use him dere right now.

    And he rained for just three weeks – which is about enough rain for any Pop. How much harm can a Pop do in three weeks?

  3. I'm going to adopt Alexander Pope.