Church of England goes on strike

The background for those who don't know it: Dominic Cummings, an adviser to Boris Johnson, took his child to Durham during the lockdown. Depending on whom you listen to, his reward should either be a knighthood, or an execution on Tower Hill. All shades of opinion in between are possible.

"I thank God that I am not a sinner like Mr Cummings."

Led by Dr Worzel Gummidge, Bishop of Manchester, the Church of England bishops have finally agreed on an issue for the first time since 1558 - Dominic Cummings must go! And they're cross, they're very cross - unless he does go, they will refuse to cooperate with the government!

Apparently the decision was reached by a ZOO conference - this is a bit of software that allows you to see lots of little cages on your screen, each containing a bishop. The "Cummings out" doctrine has proved so popular that it is likely to become the 40th article of Faith, with a wording something like:

Article XL: That DOMINIC CUMMINGS is denounced as a wicked and vexatious person, who ran rings round us over Brexit. Accordingly we curse him, reject all his works, and condemn him as an evil spirit.

After 2 months of lockdown, Dr Gummidge could do with a haircut.

So, if Cummings isn't going(s), what will the strike mean? No more bishops lounging around in the House of Lords, no more writing stiff letters to the Guardian about how ghastly Boris is, no more invitations for cabinet ministers to attend agreeable sherry parties, no more praying. Well, praying has more-or-less stopped anyway, since the churches are closed, and the Anglican bishops are anxious not to reopen them for the forseeable future (unlike the Catholic bishops who consider the churches to be the House of God).

Rare praise for Vincent Nichols!

In fact the only senior member of the Church of England administration who has ever been known to collaborate usefully with the government is the Supreme Governor herself, Queen Elizabeth, age 94. So far she has not told us whether she is also going on strike, but maybe Bishop Worzel knows.

You never saw me going on strike!

Amazonian pagans complain about the synod

Although Catholics as a whole have been very supportive of the Amazon synod, which started this week (where have you been, Eccles?) some disquiet has been expressed by the Amazonian pagans who were invited to take part.

Can the Amazonians trust Pope Francis not to be too Catholic?

Said a spokesman, known to his friends as Wise Spirit of Yucca, "We were promised a synod fully compatible with our beliefs, but elements of traditional Catholicism keep creeping in. For example, the Big Chief Pappafranco, who was expected to dress in traditional warpaint and feathers, keeps insisting on wearing a white gown. We can only described this as 'rigid'."

A synod participant, who listens to the wisdom of the crows.

His colleague, Holy Earth mother Kapok, added, "The Catholics also showed themselves totally unable to get into the spirit of idol worship that is the basis of our culture. It is true that they politely bowed down to our fertility symbols, including the naked wooden idol Austeniveri, but their own idols are totally blasphemous - they wear clothes, for one thing, and have been given the names of western imperialists such as Peter and Paul."

A wooden idol, possibly St Peter.

In a desperate attempt to save the Synod, Pope Francis has agreed to appease the spirits of Mother Earth, to talk to the trees, and to listen to any questions ("Dubia") they may have to ask him. Which is more than his cardinals have managed to accomplish.

Pachermanna, the Amazonian god. Why no place in Catholic liturgy?

LATE NEWS: A Catholic baptism goes horribly wrong, when it is discovered that the font was filled with piranha fish.

Cardinal Hummes agrees to conduct a human sacrifice, in honour of the wise spirits of the swamp, just as soon as Archbishop Viganò hands himself in.

Face East, young man, and dress properly

Two news items have dominated the press this week: one Catholic, and one Anglican.

A moral compass for priests.

First, Cardinal Sarah, the leading "stop Tagle" candidate for the next papacy, has reminded priests to celebrate Mass ad orientem, starting in Advent. This is generally regarded as the start of the pantomime season, and any priests seen facing the wrong way at Mass are liable to be greeted by shouts of "He's behind you!" So far we have not heard any disagreement from Fr James Martin SJ, himself an experienced pantomine dame, who is willing to face either way.

"The Holy Spirit is female!" Oh no, he isn't!

Facing God is a concept popularly believed to have disappeared after Vatican II, along with Latin, Sin and Redemption, so it is interesting to hear from a Cardinal who is prepared to reject the Spirit of Vatican II.

Whatever else is happening, remember to take a selfie during Mass!

LATE NEWS: IN a letter to his priests, Cardinal Nicholas has explicitly disagreed with the Cardinal Sarah, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. However, we think there may be an explanation.

"Do celebrate ad orientem, Vin. So many people want to see the back of you."

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Over at the Church of England, the big debate is over what clothes the vicars should be allowed to wear in church.

The Rev. Worzel Gummidge recommends the rural (scarecrow) look.

We recently visited Father Gummidge's Church, and heard a delightful anthem from Galton and Simpson, entitled Beta vulgaris in horto, which begins

I've got mangel-wurzels in my garden, 
I've got mangel-wurzels in my shed,
I've got mangel-wurzels in my bathroom, 
And a mangel-wurzel for a head.

Here is another example of Synod-approved vestments:

Protestant ministers (as is well known, Catholics don't read the Bible).

Yes, times are definitely changing. Our final picture of some Episcopalian bishopesses shows an example of quiet dignity. Church services are not there just for religion - they are also there for displays of fashion, and they give our costume holy women (and men) a way of recycling their old curtains!

True holiness.

Bitter disagreement at the Synod

Reprinted from the Tablet, in the days when it was a religious newspaper.

Whitby, A.D. 664

After a week of fierce debating, the Extraordinary Synod on the Date of Easter and the Monastic Tonsure, called by King Oswy of Northumbria, shows no signs of reaching agreement.

Whitby Abbey - damaged when the debate got out of hand.

It is clear that there are two strongly-divided parties to the discussion. First, there are the traditionalists, led by "Saint" Wilfrid, who wish to calculate Easter on orthodox Roman lines; second, there are the modernists, led by Colmán, Bishop of Northumbria, one of the discredited "Magic Circle" of English bishops who prefer to go their own way, keeping to the Ionan tradition. Following a request from St Damian the Spectator, the debate has also been extended to include a discussion of monastic hairstyles. In the end, the decision will be made by King Oswy.

"Who am I to judge?" asks King Oswy.

So far the Synod has heard evidence from a number of families advocating disordered lifestyles: some celebrate Easter at Christmas, some celebrate it twice a year, and some do not celebrate it at all, regarding it as a nasty traddy feast, far inferior to pagan festivals such as the Blessing of the Inwood. Cardinal Kasper has suggested that these people should be shown Mercia, although it is difficult to see how this could best be done.

The situation is worse in the far south of the land, where it is rumoured that Fr Steven the Fisher has abolished Easter altogether, replacing the Light of Christ with Endless Night, while Dame Tina the Beater describes the whole concept of Christianity as male-dominated, and proposes a radical women-only alternative. There are even reports of extensive heresy in the kingdom of Arundel and Brighton, where Bishop Kieran the Scandalous has resigned in disgrace.

Kieran the Scandalous has let himself go a little since he resigned.

Moving onto the secondary subject of the synod, namely monastic tonsures, many have been annoyed by the comments of "Baldy" Sseri, recommending a complete shaving of the head; still less do they approve of his exhortation, "Come unto me and ye will be shaved". For those, such as St Damian, who judge a man on the quality of his hairstyle, the tonsure is an abominable fashion to which they can never subscribe in good conscience.

Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. (2 Kings 2:23).

We shall continue to bring you regular reports from the synod, as we follow the team of great minds wrangling over the future of the Church.

Ven. Bede the anachronistic.