Face East, young man, and dress properly

Two news items have dominated the press this week: one Catholic, and one Anglican.

A moral compass for priests.

First, Cardinal Sarah, the leading "stop Tagle" candidate for the next papacy, has reminded priests to celebrate Mass ad orientem, starting in Advent. This is generally regarded as the start of the pantomime season, and any priests seen facing the wrong way at Mass are liable to be greeted by shouts of "He's behind you!" So far we have not heard any disagreement from Fr James Martin SJ, himself an experienced pantomine dame, who is willing to face either way.

"The Holy Spirit is female!" Oh no, he isn't!

Facing God is a concept popularly believed to have disappeared after Vatican II, along with Latin, Sin and Redemption, so it is interesting to hear from a Cardinal who is prepared to reject the Spirit of Vatican II.

Whatever else is happening, remember to take a selfie during Mass!

LATE NEWS: IN a letter to his priests, Cardinal Nicholas has explicitly disagreed with the Cardinal Sarah, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. However, we think there may be an explanation.

"Do celebrate ad orientem, Vin. So many people want to see the back of you."

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Over at the Church of England, the big debate is over what clothes the vicars should be allowed to wear in church.

The Rev. Worzel Gummidge recommends the rural (scarecrow) look.

We recently visited Father Gummidge's Church, and heard a delightful anthem from Galton and Simpson, entitled Beta vulgaris in horto, which begins

I've got mangel-wurzels in my garden, 
I've got mangel-wurzels in my shed,
I've got mangel-wurzels in my bathroom, 
And a mangel-wurzel for a head.

Here is another example of Synod-approved vestments:

Protestant ministers (as is well known, Catholics don't read the Bible).

Yes, times are definitely changing. Our final picture of some Episcopalian bishopesses shows an example of quiet dignity. Church services are not there just for religion - they are also there for displays of fashion, and they give our costume holy women (and men) a way of recycling their old curtains!

True holiness.

Catholics told they need no longer aim for Heaven

In a ruling that will come as a great relief to many Catholics, Pope Francis has used his latest interview with Eugenio Scalfari (or "Scalfie") to explain that they no longer need to aim for Heaven if they don't want to.

Up or down? Now you have a choice.

As Pope Francis explained, "A lot of Catholics try to obey the Church's laws because they hope (ultimately) to end up in Heaven, which is traditionally regarded as quite a nice place. But there is also plenty of space in Hell, if you don't mind the German theologians reserving the sun-loungers. So if you're finding the path of righteousness a bit difficult to follow, well, don't worry, there are other possibilities!"

A spokesman for Satan, who refused to give his name but is believed to be a German cardinal, added: "The Holy Father is perfectly correct in what he says. In Hell there is never any 'test' or 'exam' you have to pass - getting in is as easy as getting onto a university course in Gender Studies, and with as great a sense of achievement."

The Pope's ruling has greatly simplified the question whether, for example, people in adulterous relationships can take Communion. They can go ahead, provided that the presiding priest doesn't interfere, and nobody will say anything until they die.

The Pope takes part in a "Scalfie"

UPDATE: it seems that after all the Pope's alleged "Scalfie" was not genuine. You'll have to behave yourself after all.

The unknown Pope Francis

Following Pope Francis's trip to the USA, here are a few pictures which indicate that some people have absolutely no idea what the Holy Father looks like.

An iDoll, but not Pope Francis.

Could be anyone...

Getting nearer, but still doesn't quite capture him.

Very artistic, but who is it supposed to be?

NO.

Yes, here he is at last, surrounded by "concelebrating" clowns.

And again, with the local village idiot.