Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO₂ emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.

Bad Hymns 23

We are delighted to welcome Estelle White today, who has received so many nominations for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award that she should have been interviewed much sooner.

E: Estelle, nice to see you. Let's start with The Perfect Face, which starts "Hullo clouds! Hullo sky!"

EW: Actually, it's "I saw the grass, I saw the trees," Eccles. But your version is just as good.

Hullo clouds! Hullo sky!

E: Oh yes. Saw, not smoked, the grass, eh? And then you saw the boats along the shore?

EW: Yes, I was on holiday in Great Yarmouth.

I made my way into the town,
To the busy crowded streets:
The shops and stores and alleyways,
Through the squalor and the heat.

E: Still, you had a nice day for it, eh? By the way, this is a hymn, isn't it?

Note the reference to bacon (which will be important later).

EW: Well, I'm coming to that. You see, I was very unhappy because I had seen the perfect face:

Of a real and proper man:
The man who brought me from the dark
Into light — where life began.

E: I'm guessing that this has something to do with Christ, although you never actually mention Him? Still it had a very strange effect on you.

EW: Yes, every face I saw after that, including my own, was hideous to me:

The lines of envy around their lips
And the greed and the hate in their eyes.

Your face isn't much to write home about, now, is it, Eccles?

E: Cruel words, Estelle. Do you think God wants us to regard all his creation as hideous?

An ugly face (pulled specially for this blog).

EW: Too bad, I just can't stand "ordinary" faces any more. Eek! Put that mirror away!

E: Well, let's move on to what may be an even worse hymn. This one's all about grass, as well.

Autumn days when the grass is jewelled,
And the silk inside a chestnut shell,
Jet planes meeting in the air to be refuelled,
All these things I love so well.

EW: I'm also fond of raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. But apparently that hymn has already been written.

Brown paper packages tied up with string...

E: Now what I look for in a hymn is a little spiritual nourishment. Do we get round to mentioning God at all?

EW: Aaagh, I knew I'd forgotten something! Still, there's always the chorus.

E: So I mustn't forget, no I mustn't forget
To say a great big thank you.

Although it isn't clear whether you're thanking the people who made the jet engines, or what.

EW: You'll like verse 2:

Smell of bacon as I fasten up my laces
And the song the milkman sings.

E: Help, I don't understand you at all, Estelle. Why do you have bacon in your shoes? And what is this song he's singing?

Estelle White's milkman, Ernie, sings a merry song.

EW: This isn't really your sort of hymn, is it, Eccles?

E: No, but Estelle, thank you for coming, and don't worry too much about the lack of religious content. It goes down very well with modern congregations, I'm told.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.