Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO₂ emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.

How would God vote?

In this post about British politics we shall (as usual) take the mainstream Christian view of God, namely as the Holy Trinity of Father, Son, and Spirit. So those with imperfect viewpoints who see God as Allah, Vishnu, the Tiger God, or a bowl of porridge (the Quakers) will be disappointed.

GOD the Father

This one is easy. The Father is an authoritarian figure; indeed He produced the Ten Commandments as a definite policy. He must be a Conservative, probably even a Thatcherite. He would certainly be described as "Strong and Stable".

Allowing the vast majority of his people, except for a wealthy yacht-owner (Noah) and his family, to be drowned in a flood, is the sort of policy that conservatives can only look on with envy.

All right, there's some stuff in the psalms about the Lord being a shepherd, and people lying down in green pastures (definitely appealing to the Greens), but generally the Old Testament has little to say about carbon footprints and recycling plastic bags. So a Tory He must be.

"Vote Conservative! Mind you, I'm not all that keen on Theresa May."

GOD the Son

Jesus is easier to pin down, as He is the only one of the Trinity who is actually human. He was very keen on helping the poor, so it is not surprising that the Labour party would like to claim Him. After all, their main appeal is to poor people such as celebrities (footballers, actors, BBC comedians, etc.), doctors, professors, etc. Oh and a few ex-miners and ex-steelworkers aged about 95.

The other reason why we assign Jesus to the Labour party is that He bears a distinct resemblance to the young Jeremy Corbyn, although without his fondness for Marxism, terrorism, etc. Indeed, as a Jew, Our Lord might feel unwelcome in the modern Labour party.

The IRA theatre players with their re-enactment of the Last Supper.

Still, the "what would Jesus do" people tend to focus on His "Labour" credentials as a touchy-feely softie, rather than His habit of chastising people with ropes of knotted cord (surely a UKIP habit?) - not to mention the threats of Hellfire - so let's provisionally assign Him to Labour.

GOD the Holy Spirit

The problem with the Holy Spirit is that He (or She if you believe James Martin SJ) has never been known to make a precise statement. A lot of hot air rushing around with good intentions... well, that suggests the Liberal Democrats.

"Kumbayah, Lord," say the Lib Dems.

You'll find that the people who mention the Holy Spirit a lot (especially when implying that Christ's teaching could do with a little updating) would fit in well with the Lib Dems: think of their leader Tim Farron and his "these are my principles, but if you don't like them I've got others" attitude to abortion and same-sex weddings.

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So, according to the Trinity, we must expect a hung parliament. Of course, by looking at the early church, we can find representatives of other parties: St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, would be SNP; St Peter, with his suspicion of foreigners, would be UKIP, and so on.

Maybe we can get more guidance by asking a bowl of porridge.

Government plans to regulate Sunday schools

The Department of Education is expanding its plans to register and inspect Sunday schools using OFCHURCH, the government office that already ensures that church services preach inclusivity, equality, diversity, British values, etc. and as little religion as possible. From now on, there will be a national curriculum, and all Sunday school teaching will be strictly controlled.

This is allowed, as it celebrates biodiversity and warns against climate change.

All Bible stories, games, and children's drawing and colouring will be strictly monitored, and if a church fails to comply with government guidelines, then it can be closed down without warning. The above picture is permitted, but those containing a serious religious message will be forbidden.

This picture is banned under the "prevention of terrorism" legislation of 1558.

However, it is not just Sunday schools that are under threat. Scouts, guides and cubs, for example, are another target. "DYB DYB DYB?" What kind of message is that for modern Britain, especially as "Do your best" is an exclusive and elitist mantra, discriminating against those who have chosen a slothful lifestyle! OFCHURCH recommends "DWYL DWYL DWYL" ("Do whatever you like"), as something that cannot be offensive to anyone.

Rainbow groups (ages 5 to 7) are still encouraged. Can you guess why?

It is expected that the Department of Education will soon be undertaking a complete overhaul of churches' liturgy, to remove all controversial aspects. For the time being, Latin masses will be exempt, as nobody in the civil service knows what they mean, and anyway, if we are going to preach diversity by supporting the African and Asian communities, we must also respect the rights of those such as Fr John Hunwicke whose first language is Latin. However, don't rely on this continuing.

Make God in your own image!

There is an obvious explanation for recent reports that some women priests and bishops - Anglicans of course - would like to rewrite Christian liturgy to make God female: not only did God make Man in His own image, but many people would like to remake God in their own image. Here are some case studies.

God dictates the more boring bits of Leviticus to Moses.

Pope Francis writes: I see God as a rather confused old man, surrounded by some rather dodgy archangels (e.g. Kasper, the Father of Lunacy). God Himself, although traditionally described as a "Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendour", is really a much more humble character, who prefers to be enthroned in a rather spartan apartment, and is anxious to reassure people with the words, "WHO AM I TO JUDGE?" Most of what God says has been taken down by unreliable prophets and evangelists, and it suffers from translation errors.

God teaches Noah about gay marriage.

Fr Gerry O'Morrah, Irish Catholic priest: If there's any message that we should take from scripture and tradition, it is that God is really keen on equality, diversity, gay marriage, abortion, euthanasia, and cannibalism. There are examples of these throughout the Bible, all described in enthusiastic tones. He is the God of Death and Sex, and was known as such to the ancient Irish. The very fact that He placed a rainbow in the sky after the great flood proves to us exactly what His vision was for the world.

"Cake of Heaven - feed me from thy bounteous store."

Damian Thompson, Spectator journalist: God was described as a "blood-crazed ferret" by the Church Times, but in reality He is a much milder character, whose main joy is in listening to our worship, especially when we offer it in the form of Bach Chorales and Gladys Mills songs. Obviously, being the Almighty, He has no weaknesses, but His fondness for cupcakes and custard - the Cake of Life - almost amount to an addiction. Trust me, I know about these things.

A vision of Heaven.

Other writers have described God in these terms:

"He's a grumpy old man in a shed who likes harassing and insulting people."

"Well, dude, you just don't appreciate the fact that God likes to express Himself in the panoptically ironic semantics of patriarchal exclusion using Tzvetan Todorov's absolutely intersubjective formalism. The Bible would have been six times as long, except that the moderators got to it."

"Of course He doesn't really exist, but if He did, He would definitely be a learned Professor of Zoology, and His Kingdom would be in Oxford. By the way, did I ever mention that I really hate Catholics?"

The Pope warns of Climate Change

Now that climate change is generally agreed to be the greatest threat facing the world, rather than, say, war, famine, disease, abortion, etc., Pope Francis is making this the topic of his next encyclical, of which we have seen a draft copy. Here are some of the highlights.

"We'll need a bigger ark," says Noah.

In the book of Genesis it is recorded that God punished the world for its enormous carbon footprint by sending down a great flood. Noah was the only righteous (i.e., environmentally-aware) person around at that time, and he survived the great flood by making an ark out of recycled wood; being keen on biodiversity he took two of every species with him, except possibly dinosaurs and unicorns.

Our climate model predicts a plague of at least one frog.

Over to Egypt now, and the many different forms of climate change that arose from the Pharaoh's insistence on fossil fuels. Water turned to blood, flies, frogs, hail, fire and thunder. Sounds familiar, eh? Things got worse, though. The Red Sea was parted, and this was all because the Egyptians refused to recycle their plastic bags.

Jericho - no wind-farms, and inevitable climate change effects.

As Christians we know that 100-watt bulbs are sinful, and that wind-farms are blessed. It is our mission to preach this gospel to the heathen, or face the environmental consequences, as they did in Jericho.

In April I was lucky to entertain some of the world's leading experts on climate change, as they turned up in their private jets from all corners of the world to tell me of Christ's new message "GET THEE BEHIND ME, CARBON!" Remember the fate of the Gadarene swine? The climate changed, and they had to run into the sea to cool. themselves down.

Jesus and the man possessed by demons (what we would nowadays call a "climate denier").

Finally, we read of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, symbolising the doom we may expect at the end times. Their names were Phew-what-a-scorcha, It's-Brrr-itain, Turned-out-nice-today, and Scattered-Showers-With-Sunny-Intervals. St John was warning us of the threat of Climate Change, and no mistake!

I want you all to pedal very hard to get this plane off the ground.

Plans for the 2015 Synod

We are privileged today to print an interview with Pope Francis. As is usual with papal interviews, no record was taken at the time, so it is being reported from memory. Moreover, my Spanish and Italian are rather weak, while the Pope's English and Latin are even weaker, so it is not clear that either of us knew exactly what the other was talking about.

Oh ****! It all went wrong!

Eccles: So, Holy Father, in the words of the blessed Paul Priest, the 2014 synod was a complete farce, wasn't it?

Francis: Yes, we'll have to do better next year. I tried to manipulate the synod so that it would decide what I wanted, but in the end my more traditional cardinals ganged up on me. Well, I won't stand for it next year! I'm having all the locks changed, for one thing, and the Swiss Guards have orders to shoot Burke, Pell, Müller, Napier, etc. on sight if they try to climb in through the window.

Eccles: So, will Cardinal Kasper be running things again?

Francis: Well, if possible. By doubling his medication we may be able to stop him singing "I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away" during Mass. Also, we can lock him in his room at night to stop him wandering round the Vatican biting people in the neck. But it's not easy to make him appear normal.

"I shall deny that this interview ever took place."

Eccles: Any "new blood" appointments to the 2015 Synod?

Francis: Yes, seeing their reports on this year's synod, I am going to invite some journalists along - perhaps Austin Ivereigh, Cristina Odone and Fr Thomas Reese SJ. I was very impressed with their new ideas of what Catholicism should be about, especially my Jesuit friend - no unwanted "holiness" about him, just simple secular liberalism!

Eccles: Now, turning to the 2015 Synod itself, what decisions have you decided that it will make?

Francis: Well, we need to write a clause about our love for homosexuals, of course. I have asked Vincent Nichols to draft something, and it will be along the lines of "We believe that you gays are lovable, fluffy people, with good taste, great dress sense and a natural charm. Please come to our Masses, and bring your friends with us. We love you all, and want to get to know you - although not in the Biblical sense, ha ha, as we don't use that book any longer."

Making Genesis gay-friendly.

Eccles: And how about the divorced and remarried?

Francis: We've agonized over that, and decided that in the end the sacrament of marriage isn't really worth the effort. As Jesus Himself said to the Samaritan woman, "You have had five husbands, and that old dirty old lecher drunk in the armchair at home isn't your husband. He's the local bishop! But that's just fine by me!" See? Problem solved!

The local bishop.

Eccles: Will Cardinal Dolan be attending?

Francis: Alas, no, it clashes with a Gay Pride march in New York; they've appointed him Supreme Obese Grandmaster of St Paddy's Rainbow Chasuble, so he can hardly refuse to attend.

Eccles: Holy Father, thank you for being so frank with us. It's great to see that the traditions of the Catholic Church are in such safe hands. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, eh?

Francis: Er, about half past three, I think. Bye, Eccles!

Should noisy adults be allowed in church?

One of my younger readers writes:

Dear Uncle Eccles,

What should we do about noisy adults in church? I am six years old, and I go to Mass with my parents and Lucy, my sister. Lucy is only three, and very well-behaved, usually either sleeping, reading a book such as Charles Kingsley's Water-babies - she scribbles on the heretical parts - or drawing pictures with crayon.

Warning: probably a book to upset Blessed John Henry Newman.

My parents are naughtier, but I am usually able to keep them under control by hissing "Ssshhh!" at them when they start chattering.

However, other adults are not so well behaved. Part of the problem is that they aren't trained to be quiet, as those of us who attend St Tharg's Primary School are. So we often hear adults chattering through those parts of the service that are less exciting than others, for example:

1. the bit before it starts, when worshippers are encouraged to discuss their neighbour's clothes and hairstyles;
2. the sermon - although I personally found it very interesting when the priest said he was appointed only for those who lived in the parish, and he wanted all visitors to get lost;

Welcoming worshippers to the parish.
First polite native: Who's 'im, Bill?
Second ditto: A stranger!
First ditto: 'Eave 'arf a brick at 'im!

3. the prayers, which always sound the same - I'm told that some churches make them more varied by saying "In our cycle of prayer we pray for all who live in Lembit Opik Terrace, for the people of Liberia, for the diocese of Luton and Bishop Loquitur, for all librarians, liberals and libertines, and for all limpets." But we don't do that;
4. the "peace", which the grown-ups just use as an opportunity to cuddle each other (yeugh!);
5. that Scottish song near the end, about someone called Angus Daly, which I don't understand.

Anyway, you get my point. People with short attention spans, such as grown-ups, need something to distract them. Of course they have their smart phones, and so they can (and do) send texts and follow the cricket score when things are getting a bit dull, but it's not enough.

Mrs Emin drew a nice picture during Mass.

So it's bit of a dilemma, really. Most adults are not really needed in order to make the service go with a swing, and there should perhaps be some nursery arrangements made for them, so that we children can worship without being distracted.

Oh, and one last thing. We kids don't like songs such as "Shine, Jesus, Shine" or "If I were a butterfly": we find them patronising. Give us "Salve Regina" or "Iam lucis orto sidere", any day. Then we'll know we're singing a work written by someone who was actually religious, rather than just a greedy entrepreneur. I know the adults like dumb hymns, but we kids do expect something better.

Love, Alex Smith (age 6).

A modern "quiet" church.

How to write a religious blog II

Well, yesterday's introduction to religious blogging was very popular, and achieved a massive 5 hits, only 4 of which were from me. So, encouraged by this, let me continue to advise you.

When you're writing a blog, it is important to be able to show your readers what you've had to eat. Probably, this is because the reader says to himself, "If I eat frogs' legs/ cornflakes/ roast camel/ peas with honey, then I too can become an archbishop/ a celebrity blogger/ a Tablet journalist/ a saved person." Alas, this is usually not going to happen.

In fact, today I had the best that French cuisine could offer.

Other things that you can do to add the "personal" touch to your blog include photographing key items in your everyday life, such as your cats, your kitchen, your dustbins, perhaps your lavatory.

Now the easiest kind of blog to write is one where you post spiritually nourishing paintings and poems. Such blogs are usually very good, because the material is, by definition, produced by someone talented. This is the sort of thing I mean:

Old Noah he had an ostrich farm and fowls on the largest scale,
He ate his egg with a ladle in a egg-cup big as a pail,
And the soup he took was Elephant Soup and fish he took was 
   Whale,
But they all were small to the cellar he took when he set out to 
   sail,
And Noah he often said to his wife when he sat down to dine,
"I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the 
   wine."

Painting by Breughel, poem by G.K. Chesterton.

See what I mean? This has already improved the quality of my post, immeasurably. And Noah is in the Bible, so is a spiritually nourishing person. Come to think of it, why do I waste my time trying to produce original stuff?

Some blogs are co-operative efforts. Jessica Hof has an excellent blog called All along the watchtower, which has several different authors - some Anglicans, Catholics, a Baptist, and - occasionally - my dear brother Bosco of the Calvary Chapel, who was the inspiration for my own blog. This keeps the blog very active, although there is necessarily a divergence of opinions: if an article begins All pictures of my Lord are false images and idolatry, and shows that the artists didn't have Jesus in their lives like I do, and they'll all be left behind when the Rapture comes. Ha ha! - well, that was probably written by Bosco rather than someone from a mainstream branch of Christianity.

Sorry, Rubens - it's the Lake of Fire for you!

Let's finish today with some ideas on how to write an American priest's blog. Now American priests all have complicated names, such as Zuhlsnecker or Longedorf, so are best referred to simply as "Father M" or "Father Q", as if they were James Bond characters. Unlike British priests, who always lead luxurious well-paid lives, with regular holidays in Tahiti and deacons to wait on them hand and foot, American priests are generally broke, and often need to raise money through their blogs. Their demands vary from 10 cents, which will buy a crust of dry maggotty bread for dinner, up to $500, which will buy a new silk biretta with a special compartment in which to store the priest's handgun.

Do give generously. Buy the coffee they're sponsoring - remember, Mystic Monk coffee makes you live longer and develop a sharper mind, while the rival Numinous Nun coffee causes arthritis and dizzy spells. You know it makes sense.

Finally, two tips for rescuing a blog post when it's running out of steam, as this one is:

Post a picture of some sweet furry creatures (these are possums).

Or use a picture of people making fools of themselves in church.

The Eccles Bible project

One of the problems about debating with atheists is that they don't seem to know what's in the Bible, and which bits are the most important.

Goliath - the tallest man in the Bible, but only the 709th most important.

Let us create an imaginary atheist called Richard. He reads the Book of Genesis, and spots a legend about a talking snake. "Aha!" he says. "The Bible consists of nothing but fairy stories."

Or perhaps he opens the Bible at the psalms, and spots that these are poetical, and could be sung. "Aha! The Bible consists of nothing but songs!" But then he tries to sing the immortal words Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias. What a bore! (Actually, you CAN sing those words, to the tune of "Dem Bones.")

Joatham - known mostly for his begetting.

Somewhere along the way, atheists get very excited and start talking about "bronze-age goatherds." Nobody knows why, but it is clearly a killer argument, the point being that in the bronze age people weren't as bright as those of us in the silicon age. Having computers and mobile phones made entirely of bronze, our herding ancestors didn't get round to inventing the internet, DNA, and lasagne, so they consoled themselves by inventing philosophy and theology instead. Losers, eh?

Suncream - invented by bronze-age goatherds.

The New Testament is a big stumbling-block to atheists, whose main conclusions are:

1. Jesus didn't exist.
2. He never said all the things attributed to Him. Nobody could have.
3. He didn't do miracles, as people just don't.
4. If He was crucified, it didn't kill him. It didn't hurt at 
all, really.
5. And after not dying, He stayed dead.
6. Really, He was just a very good person, like (choose as 
appropriate) Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, 
Princess Diana or Eva Perón.

Bertrand Russell - like God, only cleverer.

Look, dear atheists, I am not mocking you. When I was a child I thought like a child (we'll come back to this later). I would go into a classroom at school, and be handed a frog. What should I do with it?

1. Dissect it (Biology)?
2. Cook it and eat it (Domestic science)?
3. Shout "Voici une grenouille!" (French)?
4. Write a poem about it (English)?
5. Paint its portrait (Art)?
6. Throw it at the boy next door (Sport)?

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer options 3, 4 or 5."

Thus, we announce the start of the Eccles Bible Project, which little-by-little will take each book of the Bible in turn and explain it in simple terms. This will require me to do some reading too, especially when we get onto chaps like Habakkuk, who don't really deserve a whole book to themselves.

Coming soon - Genesis!