The Wind in the Vatican

With apologies to Kenneth Grahame

"Do you know," said the Brand-Moler, blissfully drinking a huge tankard of German beer as he sat in the garden of the Pope Emeritus. "I've hardly ever been to these apartments before."

"Really?" said the Ratzinger solemnly. "To my mind there is nothing at all so worthwhile as messing about in the Vatican."

"What a day I'm having, Ratty," continued the Brand-Moler with a sigh of full contentment. What's in the picnic basket?"

"Following papal advice, there's Legumes," replied the Ratzinger briefly. "BroadBeansLentilsPeasPeanuts BakedBeansChickpeas MassimoFaggioli PulsesRunnerBeans..."

"Oh stop, stop!" cried the Brand-Moler in ecstasies. "This is too much! What a feast, Ratty!"

A feast.

Presently Cardinal Raymond Badger entered. He had been visiting an area full of mysterious warrens, from which strange little faces would peep out at intervals to say things like "Hail Pachamama!" "Let's build a bridge towards the weasel community" and "Won't anyone buy my new book Pope Francis on the Orient Express?"

"You know Toad's got a new Magisterium?" said the Ratzinger to the Badger once the Brand-Moler had been introduced. "A completely new one. He crashed the one his ancestors handed down to him."

"I know," said the Badger gloomily. "One of these days he'll get locked up, for sure. I've heard that the Jesuweasels are just waiting to over-run the Vatican as soon as his back's turned. Then they'll bring in rainbow flags and Ignatian yoga."

Three cardinals in conclave.

"Why don't you stop him?" asked the Brand-Moler.

"You don't understand," explained the Ratzinger. "Nobody stops Toad. It always has to be something new. One day it's a change to the Gloria, the next it's a new version of the Lord's prayer."

From somewhere close by came a distant whirring sound, which gradually rose to a crescendo. Then there was a mighty crash, and the Toad came flying head-first over the hedge, to land in a nearby ditch. As the animals hurried over looking very concerned, the Toad extracted his head from the mud: lying in the ditch with a contented smile on his face, he sighed and muttered to himself: "O bliss! Oh my! ... Amoris Laetitia ... Laudato Si' ... Fratelli Tutti ... Pope-pope! >>> CRASH!!! <<<"

Getting an answer to the Dubia.

"I'm a wally" man claims religious privileges

According to press reports, Lukas Novy, from Brno (Czechia) has been given permission to wear a sieve on his head for the picture on his official identity card.

Luka Novy - wishes to be officially regarded as a wally.

Mr Novy claims to be a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti-Monster (a Pastafarian), which is an organization of people who believe that lame jokes can be healed, and that dead humour can rise again.

As a registered wally, Mr Novy should not be mocked on the grounds of his sincerely-held beliefs. Eternal life may be beyond him, but there is still some hope that he may one day get a life.

This parody was hilarious the first ten times I saw it.

We were privileged to receive a copy of a liturgy from the Church of Clueless Wallies. It begins as follows:

Priest: Look at me, I've got a sieve on my head.
People: And so have we. Tee hee.
Priest: The quality of pasta is not strained.
People: And nor is the flying spaghetti-monster joke.
Priest: At the going down of the sun and in the morning
People: We shall continue to giggle at it. Ho ho.
Priest: For what is man, that Thou art mindful of him?
People: Well, in our case, a complete Dawk-head.

It is believed that the last response was inserted in tribute to Professor Richard Dawkins, who is himself more of an "invisible badger" man, with his recent gnomic utterance "You have zero evidence for your theory that invisible badgers can't fly", considered by great minds to be a devastating justification of the "skyfarian" faith.

Cary Grant dressed as a badger (for one of my readers, a fan).

Although officially recognised as member of a religion, Pastafarians will be facing other legal difficulties, as they seek equal status with more serious faiths. Will they be allowed to "marry" same-sex couples? Most Pastafarians are adolescent males with acne, who stare at their feet whenever a girl approaches within speaking distance, so this is likely to become a burning issue. However, the future looks good for their church, as younger people are also starting to flock to the faith.

Pastafarianism - a good religion for people with a mental age of 3.