The Catholic case for Nero

From America Magazine, edited by James Martin LGBTSJ.

Following our very popular article The Catholic Case for Communism, we have commissioned Dean Dettloff to write The Catholic Case for Nazism and The Catholic Case for the Rwandan Genocide, which are also bound to go down well with our readers. Today's piece explains why the Emperor Nero was not the villain that is usually claimed, and should certainly be canonized.

Nero: statesman, violinist, and LGBT icon.

Nero has had a bad press for his lack of ecumenicalism towards Christians, but we should not hold that against him. His execution of St Peter and St Paul might be interpreted as showing a certain hostility to Catholicism, but modern studies have shown that these Church fathers were greatly over-rated compared with more distinguished theologians such as Hans Küng, Massimo Faggioli, Cardinal Marx, and of course the Holy Father himself. We can be sure that when Nero went to the Pearly Gates, and found St Peter there waiting for him, the two greeted each other as old friends!

"Hey, our old mate Nero will be along soon!"

Apart from his controversial habit of putting people to death, Nero was known as a prominent member of the LGBT community, and one would have to be truly homophobic to criticise his incest and his relationship with a trans woman called Sporus. Moreover, his violin-playing was legendary. As Rome burned, he entertained the crowd with a performance of "Shine Jesus, Shine" in which they all joined in with the words "Blaze, Spirit, blaze, Set our hearts on fire!"

No, Nero was a warm-hearted Catholic, of the sort to whom we must build bridges. It is a scandal that people such as he could not preach at Mass.

© America Magazine.

How to change the Catholic Catechism

This is another instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good Pope", targeted towards those of our readers who are looking forward to sitting in the hot seat and want to be fully prepared.

Now, it may arise at some stage in your pontificate that your best friends are involved in homosexual scandals. After all, it could happen to any of us one day. Suppose that "Uncle Fred" (of the St Wormwood and Gall Mafia that got you the papal job) has been sodomising the wrong people. Suppose that his bosom friend Kevin Farrago denies knowing anything about it, in spite of sharing a bed home with Fred for several years. Suppose that Cardinal "The Donald" Whirl never knew that the diocesan funds had been used to pay off Fred's victims. Suppose also that there's another dodgy cardinal in the loop, who keeps tweeting "Nighty night snugglebum" to his sisters. Suppose that Cardinal Spinach... oh, never mind.

Trouble with the Barque of St Peter? No, you're doing fine!

Quick! A distraction! It's not enough to ask your friend Father Martin James to tweet some new heretical thoughts about how Jesus learned how to do miracles by talking to the little boy who was wandering round with five loaves and two fishes. No use inviting even more dodgy characters to the World Meeting of Dysfunctional Families in Dublin. Kim Jong-un has only said "maybe", Omar al-Bashir is out massacring people, Barack Obama is playing golf, and Emma Bonino is too busy designing a more powerful bicycle pump. Oh, what can you DO?

Simple! Rewrite the Catechism. Do it secretly before announcing it, and do in a Jesuitical way, so that people will be arguing whether you have really tried to change Catholic teaching under their feet. The Death Penalty is a good one to experiment with. Now we know you're against it, although traditional Catholic teaching hasn't gone that far. But you can pretend that it has.

"It's for a new touchy-feely Communism, where you don't murder the dissidents."

Now, the language you use has to be Jesuitical, or else people will understand exactly what you're trying to say. We've gone past Good and Evil, Right and Wrong, Sin and Redemption. You could try "inadmissible". That's a good word that can mean anything.

Of course, once people have got used to receiving updates to the Catechism, perhaps by daily emails, you can change it as much as you like without worrying too much about traditional teaching. Homosexuality disordered? No, of course not. Transgenderism a delusion? Not likely! Adultery a sin? Oh COME ON, haven't you read Amoris Laetitia?

"Bless me, Father, for I have done something inadmissible."
"No, my daughter, the Pope has changed the Catechism, and it's all right now."

Meanwhile, in the popular press, it's POPE ECCLES HAS CHANGED CATHOLIC TEACHING. If they think you can do that, maybe you really can do it?

A Plutonian visits Earth

This is Plutonian Astronaut Buzz Weeblezog reporting back on my recent mission to Earth. Following a recent visit to our beloved Pluto by a craft sent by the Earhlings, we took a trip to Earth to see whether intelligent life had started to develop there. When we last visited the planet, 50 Earth-years ago, the world was under the control of hippies, liberals, communists, and the Spirit of Vatican II, so we decided to come back later when their civilisation had developed beyond this.

The Plutonian space craft blasts off. (H/T @spockpuppet)

I regret to say that the Earth is still as barbarous as ever it was. I discovered an organization called Planned Parenthood whose sole purpose is to enable Earthwomen to destroy their young. These are then sold to distinctly dubious organizations: I could not determine whether the young were used for experiments, evil rituals, or simply cooked and eaten, but it seemed that all these are considered to be legitimate activities.

"Crusher" Debbie of Planned Parenthood. Never say she has no heart!

Religion continues to flourish on Earth, although there are many "God deniers". We found a big man dressed in white, whose job it is to guide a large group of religious people. This he does (mysteriously) by venerating communist artefacts - these celebrate a form of government that was very active when we last visited, and which killed millions of people.

The big white man has one overwhelming fear - that the world may end with something called "Climate Change". For us Plutonians the Earth is indeed very hot, although no more so than when we last visited. We do not yet have the big white man's comments on the killing organization Planned Parenthood.

The big white man thinks that he will be saved if he collects enough "Air Miles".

Elsewhere, we observed a strange tendency for male humans to attempt to breed with other males, or females with females, sometimes using a courtship ritual that involves waving a striped flag. Perhaps their knowledge of biology is not as advanced as we thought.

This was just a short visit, and unfortunately we mostly observed the Earthlings engaged in wickedness. Still, it is not all mass murder, although this does seem to be one of their most popular customs.

A rare indication that humans may be more advanced than animals.

Conclusion: the planet is not yet sufficiently developed for us to wish to make contact with its inhabitants. Except, perhaps, the cats.

Pope Francis receives inappropriate gifts

Pope Francis's tour of the South American countries of Ecumania, Bolshevia and Paradoxia continues to be a great success, and reinforces the important role of Latin - or at least Latin America - in the Catholic Church. Everywhere he goes he is welcomed with generous gifts, although some of them may be considered inappropriate.

A nerve gas canister for the pope!

In Ecumania the pope was presented with a nerve gas canister, guaranteed to emit the finest quality Sarin.

Commentators are divided as to what Pope Francis said on receiving the gift. Some say that he asked "But does it cause climate change?" while others recorded his response as "Just what I need to deal with Cardinal Kasper!" Our Spanish is not good enough to tell the difference.

Elsewhere in Ecumania, the pope was given an Incan "sacrifice knife", stained with the blood of many victims, as a gesture of Incan-Catholic reconciliation. It was not clear whether he intends to use it during the next synod.

The Spirit of Vat-Inca II.

Strangest of all was what happened in Bolshevia, when President Evo Immorales presented him with a "Bolivian army knife" containing a hammer-and-sickle, a crucifix, and a device for getting stones out of horses' hooves. The pope and the president then burst into a spontaneous rendition of the Monkees' song "Then I saw her face, now I'm a Bolivia."

Workers of the world, unite!

We are looking forward to the pope's visit to Paradoxia, where perhaps he will be given some Nazi artefacts to put on his mantelpiece. After all, many Nazis fled to South America at the end of the war, and there is a thriving "Catholics for Hitler" community, which would like to increase its influence in the Church. These days, we are asked to welcome everyone.

Choosing a present for the pope.