Regular fans will already be giggling and reciting these comedians' catch-phrases, such as "Nighty-night, baby!" or "Funds are not transferred in my name, but in the name of the archdiocese," or even, "I knew nothing of what McCarrick was doing!" and "Building a bridge!" The land that gave us Father Ted, a comedy about dysfunctional priests, was the perfect place to host its sequel, Uncle Ted.
After the Viganò dossier appeared, the emoji was hastily changed.
Of course, it was a great shame that Cardinal Wuerl was unable to come: our stall selling rotten eggs and tomatoes would have done much better business. Still, we were not there to look for profits, or even prophets.
"I'm so pleased that you weren't excluded, Father!"
Everything was designed to produce a feast of mirth, but one thing was lacking. We had druidical vestments (very good), but where were the bad hymns? No "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine Jesus, Shine"? Damian Lundy is turning in his grave, as would be Paul Inwood, Dan Schutte, and Bernadette Farrell, if anyone had bothered to bury them.
The Druids of Dublin, by Picasso.
One great mystery remains: why DID Cardinal Farrell use toilet cleaner rather than Holy Water? We asked him, and he replied that he was not there at the time; so what can one do?
Pope Francis was there, of course, hence the emoji we began with. He's having a difficult time at the moment, and we did speculate that, on the flight back, they might choose to drop him off at Elba, near which his aeroplane flew. But no, he made it back to Rome safely, and is now lying low and saying nuffin'. Well, it worked for the Dubia...
The next WMOF, Italy 2021, will star Pope Pius XIII (Cardinal Sarah).
Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.
Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!
I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.
Anyway, let's try again with that headline.
Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!
My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.
New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!
So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.
Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...
I feel your pain!
Now, it may arise at some stage in your pontificate that your best friends are involved
in homosexual scandals. After all, it could happen to any of us one day. Suppose that "Uncle Fred"
(of the St Wormwood and Gall Mafia that got you the papal job)
has been sodomising the wrong people. Suppose that his bosom friend Kevin Farrago denies knowing anything about it,
in spite of sharing a bed home with Fred for several years. Suppose that Cardinal "The Donald" Whirl never
knew that the diocesan funds had been used to pay off Fred's victims. Suppose also that there's another
dodgy cardinal in the loop, who keeps tweeting "Nighty night snugglebum" to his sisters. Suppose that Cardinal Spinach... oh, never mind.
Trouble with the Barque of St Peter? No, you're doing fine!
Quick! A distraction! It's not enough to ask your friend Father Martin James to tweet some new heretical thoughts about how Jesus learned how to do miracles by talking to the little boy who was wandering round with five loaves and two fishes. No use inviting even more dodgy characters to the World Meeting of Dysfunctional Families in Dublin. Kim Jong-un has only said "maybe", Omar al-Bashir is out massacring people, Barack Obama is playing golf, and Emma Bonino is too busy designing a more powerful bicycle pump. Oh, what can you DO?
Simple! Rewrite the Catechism. Do it secretly before announcing it, and do in a Jesuitical way, so that people will be arguing whether you have really tried to change Catholic teaching under their feet. The Death Penalty is a good one to experiment with. Now we know you're against it, although traditional Catholic teaching hasn't gone that far. But you can pretend that it has.
"It's for a new touchy-feely Communism, where you don't murder the dissidents."
Now, the language you use has to be Jesuitical, or else people will understand exactly what you're trying to say. We've gone past Good and Evil, Right and Wrong, Sin and Redemption. You could try "inadmissible". That's a good word that can mean anything.
Of course, once people have got used to receiving updates to the Catechism, perhaps by daily emails, you can change it as much as you like without worrying too much about traditional teaching. Homosexuality disordered? No, of course not. Transgenderism a delusion? Not likely! Adultery a sin? Oh COME ON, haven't you read Amoris Laetitia?
"Bless me, Father, for I have done something inadmissible."
"No, my daughter, the Pope has changed the Catechism, and it's all right now."
Meanwhile, in the popular press, it's POPE ECCLES HAS CHANGED CATHOLIC TEACHING. If they think you can do that, maybe you really can do it?
Martinex - as recommended by Cardinals!
B.C. of Chicago explains. "I was just an ordinary second-rate cardinal, rather hazy about Catholic doctrines, and not really accepted in left-wing circles. But then I discovered Martinex, and suddenly my cathedral was full of adoring acolytes, while the street outside was full of angry Catholics! Now, I am strongly tipped to be the next Pope!"
Liven up your family with Martinex!
Archbishop D.M. of Dublin is equally enthusiastic. "I was just a spineless nobody who managed to present such a feeble case against abortion that we lost the referendum, in spite of 70% of Ireland claiming to be religious. How could I stop people from mistaking me for a cardboard cutout? The answer was clear - serve bottles of Martinex at my World Meeting of Families! After all, for children of all ages, building bridges is more interesting than dolls and toy trains. Now, everyone is talking about us!"
"Don't use Martinex - it's toxic!"
But not everyone sees Martinex as the way forward for the Catholic Church. Says Cardinal
R.S. of Guinea. "Scientific tests have shown that Martinex rots your soul and leads you to
eternal damnation. It even says so on the bottom of the bottle in small letters.
What's more, when I become Pope I'm going to burn that little squirt at the stake."
So there we are. You decide whether it's worth the risk!
Apparently, the visit was planned to coincide with concluding events of the World Meeting of Families. However it is clear that the Irish model of a family is not (as it used to be) mother, father, 8 children, and a pig (as recommended in Amoris Laetitia), but now simply a couple, possibly even same-sex, probably unmarried, and with no children whatsoever. So what's the point?
Leo Varadkar explains his policies for the family.
Ireland also suffers from a severe shortage of Catholics. The choice for the Pope lies between meeting people like Archbishop Diarmuid Martin the spineless ("the man who makes even Vincent Nichols look like a spiritual leader"), or Fr Tony Flannery the egocentric rebel and his Association of Catholic Priests ("the man who makes Fr Jack of Craggy Island look like a peaceful holy man").
One possibility is that Pope Francis will go to Belfast instead. There, the Protestants are Catholic, and the Catholics Protestant, at least when it comes to moral issues, and so the Holy Father may not be so unwelcome.
It's also possible that Francis will want to go to the mainland of Great Britain and meet Theresa May, although the old girl has also expressed her delight in the "success" of the Irish referendum. Unless the saintly Jacob Rees-Mogg is Prime Minister by August, which is about as likely as the saintly Cardinal Sarah becoming Pope by then.
Pope Francis meeting Theresa May.
Or maybe Pope Francis will go back to Chile in August. This may be a wise move as most of the Chilean Catholics are in Rome and out for his blood.
No, Pope Francis tells us that his best bet is a quiet week or two in a coastal resort such as Margate or Cromer. Fr Spadaro's got his eye on a lovely seaside cottage called "Dundictatin" which might just suit him...
