Excommunication from the Church of Google

With the decline in Christianity, many people have moved to the Church of Google, a worldwide organization run by a "pope" called Sundar Pichai. Unlike in the Catholic Church, for instance, where answers to fundamental questions are hard to come by if Pope Francis chooses not to supply them, the Church of Google has answers to everything.

A "google" in Oxford comments on the state of religion there.

Ask the god Google for "answers to the dubia", and, after first offering you "answers to the Dubai", because it thinks it knows better than you do, it finally admits that there are 91,200 results for your query - which is probably one per Catholic priest (except for the Pope himself, of course).

But that is not all that Google will do for you. If today is the 147th anniversary of the birth of Aloysius Squirm, the inventor of the singing bottle-opener, it will tell you. Or more likely, it is the 112th anniversary of the death of Ms Bruce Wurgledoom, the famous pioneer of transgenderism.

What Google won't tell you, is that the day is Easter, let alone the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Religious festivals are highlighted if they are politically correct, so the Aztec "Day of Organ Removal" will be remembered by a jolly "doodle" showing a high priest going about his business - if you are lucky there will be an interactive game, in which Google encourages you to remove the liver, spleen, kidneys, etc. of a heretic.

A religiously diverse doodle for the Aztecs.

The teaching of Google is sometimes regarded as intrusive. Messages such as "You searched for the phrase 'Thomas the Tank Engine', so here are some adverts for sex toys that we thought might interest you" have been criticised by some conservatives. Still, the faithful say that Google knows best.

But this week we discovered that all is not well in the Church of Google, as Pope Sundar excommunicated one of his priests, Father James Damore (which is almost an anagram of "Father James Martin", but that's probably a coincidence). Father James's offence was to write a parish letter on the subject of Equality (everyone is equal) and Diversity (oh no, they aren't!)

The Google faithful are encouraged to fly KLM because of its "diversity" policy on safety.

Unlike many churches, the Church of Google does ordain women; however, as with the Anglicans, many people regard their ministry with suspicion. We tried to find a Google "mother" to comment on Fr James's claim that women weren't capable of coping with stress, but they were all so upset that they had decided to spend the day at home. (The men were all away with hangovers, so at least in this respect everyone was equal.)

Pope Sundar explained to us that "free speech" at Google was used in the same sense as "Comment is free" is used by the Guardian. The faithful may say what they like, provided that it not heretical - a bizarre idea that will never catch on in the modern Catholic Church!

This blog is maintained by Google. Oops!

Sister Judy Piranha on free speech

Cis transit gloria mundi!!?? That's part of the Latin liturgy, you know!!?? And it means that the world's a glorious place full of cis and trans people!!?? No longer do we divide up the human race into male and female in that stuffy old Biblical way!!?? We are all either cis or trans - unless we choose not to be of course!!?? Get used to it: cis is boring, trans is fun!!?? Who would want to be male, just because their parents told them they had to be??!!

Sister Judy Piranha.

Here's little Judy back again, one of the famous "Nuns on the poor broken-down donkey", and I'm here to stand up for sister (or brother??!!) Niamh McIntyre!!?? Yes, she's the plucky girl who protected Oxford from the threat of Stanley Tim and Neil O'Brendan!!?? They wanted to discuss her uterus, and that's a no-go area!!?? (Luckily for any babies, eh??!!) Niamh's a brainy girl - she got into Oxford!!?? And the same goes for cuddly Squirrel Nutkin!!?? He's at Cambridge, so he must be nearly as brainy!!??

Squirrel Nutkin demonstrates against free speech.

So what was the debate all about, eh??!! Well, nasty bigoted sexist cis male pig Tim wanted to debate with nasty bigoted sexist cis male pig Brendan!!?? See the problem??!! Two perfectly ordinary people!!?? Nobody to represent the BLT community!!?? No womb at the inn!!?? Not even a token lesbian transsexual human-duck hybrid, and Heaven knows there are plenty of those ready and waiting to quack!!??

Of course the real problem is the subject!!?? Abortion!!?? A right extracted from nasty sexist King John by those lovable cuddly barons, who forced him to sign the Magna Cum Laude!!?? An inalienable human right recognised by the founding fathers, who signed the American Declaration of Intransigence!!?? Why - didn't we fight Adolf Hitler in order to win abortion rights for all women??!! I know I did!!?? And hasn't Pope Francis said how much he admires abortionists??!! Well, actually he hasn't but I'm sure he will, when our "Nuns on the donkey" have a word with him!!?? And the Prophet Emma Barnett has got a hot-line to Jesus, and He told her "Spare those poor weak helpless abortionists!!?? Suffer little abortionists to come unto Me!!??"

Judy Piranha goes off to confront the Pope.

But the issue goes further!!?? Why should we allow people even to discuss whether debates can be held??!! HANDS OFF MY EARS!!?? I don't want to hear nasty bigoted chauvinist males talking about the right to debate!!?? THEY DON'T HAVE FEMALE EARS, DO THEY??!! So how can they know what misery their words cause to Sister Judy (or maybe Brother Judas if I'm having one of my trans days)??!! JUST SHUT UP, MEN!!?? Got that??!!

This is how I like my men!!??