Pay nuns more so that they can make moral judgements!!??

Today, a guest post from Sister Judy Piranha, of the Nuns for Herod, who led prayers at the Democrat National Convention.

Coo-ee everyone!!?? It was a great privilege to be a guest of honour at the Democratic Convention, especially since we of the Nuns for Herod are the least conventional sisters you'll ever meet!!??

No rude comments about my habits, please!!??

Ever since the days of President Barack Aborter, we in the Nuns for Herod have been keen Democrats!!?? It's all part and parcel of being one of the "Fat Nuns in the Limousine"!!?? I was delighted when Joe Biden came up to me, stroked my hair, and said, "What's it like being a naughty nun, sister??!!" I replied, "Well, it's not to be sniffed at"!!?? Oddly, he replied, "That's a shame," and moved away!!??

Now, many of you have asked me, "Do you really support abortion??!!" Well, that's above my pay grade!!?? If you want nuns to make moral judgements, you must pay them more!!?? 30 pieces of silver will buy you a moral judgement, dearie!!?? And we're not dogmatic - you can have any answer you like!!??

Of course Abortercare is not universally popular with nuns!!?? Think of the Little Sisters of the Poor, who don't think nuns should send out baby-killing drugs!!?? Well, you can see that they're losers, can't you!!?? Otherwise they'd be the Big Sisters of the Rich, and get lots of juicy grants from rich companies!!??

The Big Sisters of the Rich (not losers!!??)

But enough of that!!?? Sister Kamala* is organizing an auction today!!?? Who wants to buy a nun's conscience, totally unused??!! Send your bids in!!??

*Originally Mary, but that wouldn't do!!??

Do women have the right to bare arms?

This week's big question arises from a tweet from Fr Kevin Cusick, namely,

Ladies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. Please help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.

Not welcome at Mass.

This caused a mighty backlash on Twitter, and the good Fr KC felt obliged to drop out, rather than simply replying "You is not saved only I is saved," to his critics, which would be guaranteed to stun them into silence (it always works for me). We asked our experts to comment:

Sister Judy Piranha of the "Nuns on the Train": Coo-eee, Kevin!!?? Come along to our convent, and you'll see far more than naked shoulders!!?? Doesn't your constitution give women the right to bare arms??!! As a retired major-general, you should know all about that!!?? Anyway, Little Judy is just DYING to meet you, and give you a good time!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Bare shoulders are only part of the problem.

Fr James Martin, LGBTSJ: I hope you're all having a good Pride Month, following on from Gay History Month, Catholic Lesbian Month, Transitioning Deacon Month, Priests who like Gay Sex in a Vat of Olive Oil Month, etc. etc.! There's something for everyone in our church, and nobody I know will be excited by a woman's bare arms - except for most of the other women! Anyway, must dash, the Jesuits have got a male stripper coming to Mass this evening!

Fr Jack Hackett, Craggy Island: GIRLS!!!!

Bishop Libby, a part-time onion-seller.

Bishop Libby: We Anglicans brought women's rights kicking and screaming into the 1960s, and burning our bras was only the first step. And the Catholics copied us - there isn't a single cardinal who wears a bra! Not even Tobin. Well, they couldn't get one in his size... Now, girls, remember to dress decently and tastefully, as I do!

Fr Kevin Cusick (mostly saved): You see what I have to put up with?

Party of priests mistaken for a stag do

More on that news story about priests being told to leave a pub because the bartender thought they were a stag party.

It's all right, my friends really are priests!

Apparently the bartender became suspicious when one of the priests, known only as "Jim", began to tell people that "gay" sex was just fine, and anyone who disagreed with him was a dirty pervert. Also, he claimed, his fellow-Jesuits, bishops, and some of the cardinals agreed with him. He explained that he had prayed a lot, and God had told him "Nice work, Jim! I couldn't have put it better Myself! LOVE the 'bridges' bit!"

The priest then broke into a chorus of "Glad to be gay," and slumped under the table, sobbing into his crème de menthe.

Luckily, nobody spotted this rather obvious hen party!

The bartender - an otherwise unemployable theology graduate - had attempted to engage the party of priests in serious religious discussions, with reference to the Bible, the Catholic Catechism, the writings of 200 popes, St Ignatius, etc. but all that the priests could say was "**** all that, this is the new age of Mercy!"

He therefore concluded that they could not possibly be real priests, and attempted to eject them all, including an overweight fellow called "Rosie". However, he was later persuaded that they were from the new order of secularist priests - good friends of Pope Francis - and permitted them to stay.

"I was truly shocked by their behaviour!!??" said Sister Judy Piranha (L) of the Nuns for Naughtiness.

We hacked the Pope's e-mail account

Well, you'd have thought that the Pope would have chosen a more subtle password than "misericordia", wouldn't you? But we've managed to hack our way into his e-mail account, and we can now reveal some of his correspondence via Eccileaks.

From luigi@gammarelli.com

Dear Customer, we are pleased to inform you that the Napoleon costume you ordered is now available, so please make an appointment with us for a fitting. As you know, we normally sell only clerical vestments, but we were happy to make an exception in your case, Holy Father, given your take-over of the formerly Sovereign Order of Malta. However, we suggest you only wear the uniform on private occasions.

Pope Francis displays his new vestments.

From boris@foreignoffice.gov.uk

Cripes! Haven't you gone a bit far, old bean, taking over another sovereign state? Blimey, I know you Argies like to play silly whatsits once in a while, but this is a bit thick, what! If I hadn't got my hands full with Brenda, I mean Brexit, I'd probably have to consult old "wiggy" Trumpers about an airstrike or something. Do be careful, you silly nincom-pope! Pip-pip! Boris.

Pope Francis is given a book - by the author!

From festing@maltese.double-cross.org

You dirty rotten swine! The deal was that I would resign if you did: after all we were both rulers of independent sovereign states. How long are you going to keep me under house arrest, with that maniac Kasper making faces through the bars? Matt.

Fra' Matthew Festing is encouraged to resign as Grandmaster of the Knights of Malta.

From spadaro@vatican.com

Frankie, sweetie, I've managed to get hold of three more horses' heads. What do you say to putting them in the beds of Müller, Burke and Sarah? See you later, Catholic-hater, as we said at Jesuit seminary (in a while, Lutherophile!)

From judy.piranha@naughtynuns.org

Coo-eee, Holy Father!!??!! Don't worry if all the world hates you - I'll never desert you!!??!! The naughty nuns of Norwich are backing you to the hilt!!??!! Kiss kiss!!??!!

Judy Piranha - more catapult than the Pope.

From bigcheese@westminster-cathedral.org

Dear Holy Father, I tried to run the "Communion for everyone!" option past my fellow-bishops as you requested, but some of them seem to be Catholics - I blame that man Mennini - and so they dug in their heels. Anyway, since you're probably going to be retiring to Dunpopin' before long, I think I need to maintain healthy relations with whoever comes next. Cormac tells me that the St Gallen Mafia hasn't yet chosen your successor, but they're not likely to give us a Pope Francis II, more likely a Pius XIII. I can't imagine why - things are going so well, aren't they? Ram Ram (as we ecumenicals say!) Vin.

From mueller@vatican.com

Oops, I seem to have given some sort of answers to the dubia. How are we going to dig ourselves out of this hole? We need to talk. Gerhard.

Sister Judy Piranha attends the Women's March

Coo-ee, everyone!!??!! It's Sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness back once more!!??!! I'm a disciple of those spiritual GIANTS, Father James Martin SJ ("Hillary" to his closest friends) and Father Dan Horan OFM ("Michelle" to his closest friends), joint patrons of the Order of the 30 Pieces of Silver!!??!!

Two of the greatest thinkers of our times.

Anyway, little Judy was delighted to join her sisters (of both sexes!!??!!) at the March for Death on Saturday!!??!! If you haven't been following this, the problem is that Donald Trump is a DIRTY OLD MAN who says RUDE THINGS!!??!! He HATES women so much that he keeps MARRYING them!!??!! Not like NICE MR CLINTON who merely raped them and assaulted them - everyone knows that dear Bill knew how to give a lady a good time!!??!!

So what is a girl to do, when the American people vote for someone she doesn't like??!!?? Demonstrate!!??!! Stand up for the essential dignity of women by wearing a costume shaped like the naughty bits of a lady!!??!! You wouldn't call us dick-heads!!??!! Quite the opposite, really!!??!!

What other direct action can we take to show that we support democracy ONLY IF it gives the answer we want, sisters??!!?? Perhaps we might even go as far as throwing a traffic cone at a passing policeman!!??!! If we did that, then Trump would be obliged to resign, mark my words!!??!!

My sisters showing Trump what they're made of!!??!!

Some people have pointed out that the Women's March wasn't exactly pro-life, and in fact "pro-life" groups were banned!!??!! But "pro-life" means whatever Fr Jim and Fr Dan say it means!!??!! There's NOTHING WRONG with killing a baby, dismembering it, and selling the pieces PROVIDED THAT you do it in a "pro-life" way!!??!! By that, we mean that we respect the baby, whatever its race, colour, creed or sexual orientation may be!!??!!

Then we kill it!!??!!

Sister Fatima of the Middle Eastern branch of Nuns for Naughtiness was delighted to join us on the March!!??!! It's true that when she got home her husband unfortunately flogged her to death, but - hey!?! - the moral is that women have much better rights in the Middle East than we do, and they don't have to put up with BEASTS like Donald Trump!!??!!

Sister Fatima and friends demonstrate against Donald Trump!!??!!

So I have one final message for you:

1. If you're a woman, then Byeeee, and keep the faith!!??!!

2. If you are inter-sex, trans-sex, a member of the order of the 30 pieces of silver, gender-queer, non-binary, duo-decimal or otherwise weird, then Hallelujah to you!!??!!

3. If you're a MAN then BOG OFF you nasty sexist pig!!??!!

Judy Piranha!!??!!

Lunatic targeted in vicious online campaign

Sister Judy Piranha writes:

Co-eee, Eccles!? Ever since I signed my name to that letter to the Polish bishops, I have been vilified, insulted, and MOCKED!? Me, sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness!!?? Called a "silly old trout" and "loopy old bat"!!?? And all because I joined in Tina Beattie's campaign to EDUCATE the Polish bishops in the CATHOLIC approach to abortion!!??

Sister Judy - the voice of Catholic youth!

Apparently, Tina Beattie is a great FAN of the Eccles blog, and this is how she heard about me!!?? So together with some of my SAINTLY sisters, I was invited to sign that famous letter!!?? Sister Beyoncé and Sister Gaga agreed without hesitation, and eventually Sister Madonna and Sister Elton John also joined in the fun!!??

The basis of Catholic teaching on abortion, is that babies have RIGHTS too!!?? They have the right to be aborted!! Of course, they're too YOUNG to decide for themselves, so we let the mothers decide!!

Like my friend Tina, I was very CROSS at the reaction to our letter!!?? Some people criticised my appointment as Distinguished Catholic GUEST LECTURER at Roehampton (subject: Enrich your Catholic Life with Nude Circle Dancing!!), my position as theological adviser to the Catholic Charity CAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, and my role as the BBC's "tame Catholic" whenever Ed Stourton needs someone from Catholic Vices to put forward an authentic CATHOLIC viewpoint!!?? Well!?!?

They're burning the Tablet in protest!!??

Also, Vincent Nichols preached a really NASTY sermon saying that abortion destroys an innocent human life??!! However, he only called us "ghastly Hell-cats" six times, so we know he's on our side really - Tina said so!! As for the other bishops, well at least +Arnold is a great fan, and has installed a Tina Beattie stained-glass window in Salford Cathedral!!?? Admittedly, we DON'T expect much support from +Egan and +Davies!!??

Enough is enough, that's what I say!!?? And the Polish bishops haven't even replied to our letter!!?? Don't they want to know what authentic Catholic teaching looks like!!??

"That's agreed, then. I'll call them 'demonically-possessed old biddies' and you call them 'fiends from Gehenna'."

Letters to the Tablet

Highlights of the Bitter Pill's letter page.

I am very upset by the letter from 461 Catholic priests in Britain regarding the maintenance of old-fashioned Catholic teaching on marriage and the family!!?? Don't they realise that we are waiting for the Holy Spirit to change her mind about this one, and until she does we shall scream and scream until you're sick of us??!! The process requires debate, prayer and discernment, but we certainly don't want to hear from a bunch of celibate men!!?? And that includes Jesus!!??

"Sorry, Holy Father, I forgot to post your letter to the Catholic Herald."

Cuddly Walter Kasper has spoken of the Church's living tradition, and the need to create it afresh!!?? After all, what's the point of tradition if it's just handed down by someone else??!! Tradition needs to be developed, otherwise it's just traddy!!?? This rude and naughty letter clearly refutes (or do I mean rebuts?) Kasper's position!!?? Shame on you, you horrid priests!!??

The letter has provoked further controversy within an already fragile Catholic Church - that's not my fault, Peppy, is it??!! Still, congratulations to brilliant Mgr Keith Bottletop of Bayswater for refusing to sign!!?? Good old Bottled-out is Sister Judy's Man of the Month!!??

Possibly not Mgr Bottletop.

So shut up, you horrible priests!!?? ACTA's criticism of the Catholic Church is fine, but we don't want priests reminding people of Catholic teaching!!?? And, EEEK! Sister Moira has told me that a lot of laymen are also signing letters saying that they like Catholic teaching!!?? Where will it end??!! Will Vincent Nichols sign a declaration of faithfulness??!! No chance of that, luckily!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Sr Judy Piranha, CRSS, Chelmsford

Sr Judy and Sr Moira

In The Tablet of 28 March there was an interesting article, which noted that Jesus, according to three of the Gospels, invited Judas to share in the Last Supper, whilst being fully aware of his pending betrayal. See, in those days everyone was allowed to share communion, and encouraged to go out and betray Jesus! Shouldn't this be the practice nowadays as well?

Antony Demon, Northampton.

Judas Iscariot renews his subscription to the Tablet.

---

Of course, there is a more dignified way for droll people to appear in print.

The rest of this drollery is here.

New production of Wagner's Tristram and Odone

Wagner's great operatic love story, Tristram and Odone, was broadcast on the BBC last night, but so far the critical reaction has been hostile.

A more traditional Tristram and Odone.

Out went all the traditional features of this tale of doomed love. Tristram, no longer a heroic figure, was cast as a rather weak character who was terrified of nuns (it is claimed that a nun once called him "gay" when he was five years old).

Eeek! I've just seen a nun!

Odone, the love interest, was played as an Italian princess who had been educated by nuns. She was known throughout the kingdom as a champion of orthodox Catholicism (or at least the bits she agreed with).

The Princess Odone.

Comic relief was provided by Galberich, a Jew-hating dwarf. This is a character borrowed from Wagner's Ring Cycle, and not generally regarded as part of the Tristram legend at all.

Bring on the clowns!

However, the story has been changed out of all recognition. Tristram does indeed die - or at least lose his political career - but little else is recognisable.

Tristram dies of shock when he sees a ship bearing the black "nun" flag.

---

Damian Thompson writes...

As a Wagner expert, I felt very disappointed by this production. Still, if it's available as an illegal download, I might just consider getting it!

Damian Thompson, Publisher of Spectator Religion, Society and Human Flourishing.

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Sister Judy Piranha writes...

Coo-eee, Tristram!!?? (That's enough Sr Judy Piranha...)

Sister Judy Piranha on free speech

Cis transit gloria mundi!!?? That's part of the Latin liturgy, you know!!?? And it means that the world's a glorious place full of cis and trans people!!?? No longer do we divide up the human race into male and female in that stuffy old Biblical way!!?? We are all either cis or trans - unless we choose not to be of course!!?? Get used to it: cis is boring, trans is fun!!?? Who would want to be male, just because their parents told them they had to be??!!

Sister Judy Piranha.

Here's little Judy back again, one of the famous "Nuns on the poor broken-down donkey", and I'm here to stand up for sister (or brother??!!) Niamh McIntyre!!?? Yes, she's the plucky girl who protected Oxford from the threat of Stanley Tim and Neil O'Brendan!!?? They wanted to discuss her uterus, and that's a no-go area!!?? (Luckily for any babies, eh??!!) Niamh's a brainy girl - she got into Oxford!!?? And the same goes for cuddly Squirrel Nutkin!!?? He's at Cambridge, so he must be nearly as brainy!!??

Squirrel Nutkin demonstrates against free speech.

So what was the debate all about, eh??!! Well, nasty bigoted sexist cis male pig Tim wanted to debate with nasty bigoted sexist cis male pig Brendan!!?? See the problem??!! Two perfectly ordinary people!!?? Nobody to represent the BLT community!!?? No womb at the inn!!?? Not even a token lesbian transsexual human-duck hybrid, and Heaven knows there are plenty of those ready and waiting to quack!!??

Of course the real problem is the subject!!?? Abortion!!?? A right extracted from nasty sexist King John by those lovable cuddly barons, who forced him to sign the Magna Cum Laude!!?? An inalienable human right recognised by the founding fathers, who signed the American Declaration of Intransigence!!?? Why - didn't we fight Adolf Hitler in order to win abortion rights for all women??!! I know I did!!?? And hasn't Pope Francis said how much he admires abortionists??!! Well, actually he hasn't but I'm sure he will, when our "Nuns on the donkey" have a word with him!!?? And the Prophet Emma Barnett has got a hot-line to Jesus, and He told her "Spare those poor weak helpless abortionists!!?? Suffer little abortionists to come unto Me!!??"

Judy Piranha goes off to confront the Pope.

But the issue goes further!!?? Why should we allow people even to discuss whether debates can be held??!! HANDS OFF MY EARS!!?? I don't want to hear nasty bigoted chauvinist males talking about the right to debate!!?? THEY DON'T HAVE FEMALE EARS, DO THEY??!! So how can they know what misery their words cause to Sister Judy (or maybe Brother Judas if I'm having one of my trans days)??!! JUST SHUT UP, MEN!!?? Got that??!!

This is how I like my men!!??

In praise of Cardinal Kasper

Coo-ee, Wally-babes!!?? Your Eminence, I mean!!?? It's little Judy Piranha here, the Nun on the Number 6 Bus, Entertainments Officer (!!) at the Convent of Naughtiness!!?? First of all, an apology!!?? I was rude about you my previous post, but that's because I thought you were a nasty traddy, like most princes of the Church!!?? Now I see that you're a sort of Prince Harry of the Church, and you like a good time just as much as the rest of us, baby!!??

The logo of the Extraordinary General Synod on the Family.

So, Wally, dear, you're right about those NASTY African cardinals!!?? We shouldn't listen to them!!?? They're probably CANNIBALS in their spare time, or they do VOODOO, and some of them are WITCH-DOCTORS of the Church!!?? What can they tell us about Christian teaching, eh??!! Don't talk to me about St Augustine of Hippo!!?? He was an African too, and he probably did tribal dances in the jungle!!??

Now, take your own country, Germany, Walter mein Herr!!?? Throughout the 20th century it led the world in morality, compassion, and justice!!?? Well, except for HITLER!!?? And even Hitler was a vegetarian - so no taking bites out of passing sheep for him!!?? The only wool he ever chewed came out of the finest carpets!!?? So shut your face, Cardinal M'bongo (memo, check name!!), we don't want to hear from you and your brethren!!??

Judy Piranha gets tough with the Africans!!??

Western secular values are great, aren't they??!! We're told that it's the age of free love, with sex with whomever you want, whenever you want - but this is what the Catholic Church is MISSING!!?? We could learn a lot from the ANGLICANS here!!?? They don't feel they have to take any notice of what somebody in the BIBLE said about MARRIAGE and the FAMILY!!?? No, they're getting lesbian bishops now, and FUN all the way!!?? Or indeed, take the ATHEISTS!!?? They're TOPS on morality!!?? They must be - when did you ever hear Richard Dawkins announce that he'd sinned!!??

Meanwhile, back at the Synod...

That Relativism post deceptionem is great, isn't it??!! No more whining about GOD, SIN, etc. (YAWN!!), but just those simple words from Alice in Wonderland: Everybody has won, and all must have prizes!!?? Or, in the language used at Vatican II: FROM NOW ON, DO YOUR OWN THING, GUYS!!??

Never mind Cardinals Burke and Hare (memo, check name!!) Of COURSE the Relativism doesn't reflect the discussion so far!!?? It isn't supposed to!!?? It reflects WHERE WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO!!?? And I know Pope Francis agrees with me!!?? He phoned me up at the convent!!?? "Judy, my dear," he said. "You're leading the way in naughtiness, and that's WONDERFUL!!??"

The Synod's conclusion: Everybody has won and all must have prizes!!??

So it's hats off - well, wimples off, and indeed anything else off that you fancy - to Wally Kasper!!?? With him in charge, the Catholic Church is going back to the 1960s, where it truly belongs!!?? Byeeeee!!??

Sister Judy Piranha joins the blog

Coo-ee, Eccles!!?? Remember me from Damian Thompson's blog??!! I'm Sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness, and it's WONDERFUL to be able to pour out my thoughts to your loyal readers!!?? Oh, the fun we had when HUNKY Damian Thompson wrote his WITTY blog for the Telegraph!!?? Remember how he used to mock Kieran Conry so CHEEKILY!!?? And Johann Hari??!! And Vincent Nichols??!! And where are they now, eh??!! All disgraced!!??

Sister Judy Piranha.

We in the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness think this Synod on Sex is a great idea!!?? We're hearing lots of spicy stories about naughty Catholics!!?? Yes, they've found some typical Catholics in polytransgendered relationships to tell those old bishops a tale or two!!?? BUT Pope Francis sent me a VERY cold response when I asked if I could join the Synod!!?? Even though I offered to arrange a display of nude liturgical dancing in the coffee break!!?? Hmmph... some FUDDY-DUDDY Popes don't appreciate the Spirit of Vatican II, do they??!!

Perhaps we'll get a more favourable reply from Cardinal Gasbag - yes, that's you, I'm talking about, Mr Kasper!!?? Every time I telephone Cardinal Gasbag, he's BUSY giving another interview, all about how New Testament teaching makes his HEAD ache!!?? Well, of course it does, you chump!!?? The first rule of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness is that there are NO RULES, and we don't want any 1st Century MAN telling us what to do, even if He is the Son of God!!??

The Walter Kasper horror mask!!??

Yes, as a tribute to Cardinal Gasbag, little Judy has designed a mask to wear, so that you can jump out on your friends and shock them with new and naughtier Catholic doctrines!!?? And with Hallowe'en coming soon, the mask has another use!!?? We'll be wearing them in our devotions to the Sacred Catholic Pumpkin!!??

But enough of the Synod!!?? Little Judy's been looking at the Daily Mail!!?? And we're reading lots of stories of Mr Cuddles, the bishop who won't say no to WOMEN!!?? Now that he's leaving his Bishop's Pleasure-Dome, perhaps he'd like to stay with us in the Convent of Naughtiness??!! We're in his diocese!!?? And we'll have such FUN together!!?? Lots of the nuns would LOVE to confess their wicked ways to him!!??

Coo-ee!!?? Bishop!!??

Well, I must be going now!!?? I've got a column to write for the Tablet!!?? And Professor Tina Beattie is giving our nuns a talk tonight!!?? With EXPLICIT pictures!!?? Luckily she has no other engagements in the next decade!!?? I'm hoping that one day Tina will stop being an old CONSERVATIVE, and join us in the Catholic REVOLUTION!!?? Byeeeee!!??