The case against Cardinal Pell

We are delighted to include an exclusive interview with Billy Bong, one of the jury who recently convicted Cardinal Pell of sex offences.

Eccles: Now, Billy, how did you get to be on the jury?

Billy Bong.

Billy: Well, I answered an advert, which said "Jury members wanted for high-profile trial. The successful candidates will have an IQ of 80 or less, be virulently anti-Catholic (if possible, freemasons), and to have had their consciences surgically removed." Unfortunately, I had already missed out on an earlier advert.

Eccles: What was the earlier advert?

Billy: "Story-writing competition. Make up a tale involving Cardinal Pell committing sex abuse. 200 dollars paid for the best fantasy."

Eccles: I see. Now, the original trial resulted in a hung verdict, 10-2 in favour of Pell. Why did things swing round so far for the second trial?

Billy: Well, we knew he must have done something, even if we weren't sure of the details. Think how many comedians use "Catholic = child abuse" as a very very funny joke, even better than the old racial jokes about aboriginals and sheep that we used to love. So what could we do but find him guilty?

A sign of bad character: Cardinal Pell argues with the umpire.

Eccles; What about the evidence that he was actually outside the cathedral chatting to the congregation at the time he was supposed to be in the sacristy?

Billy: Look, Catholics believe in miracles, don't they? So it must have been possible.

Eccles: And exposing himself while wearing alb, stole, chasuble, etc. over his trousers?

Billy: This was the prosecution's point entirely. Under his clothes he was completely naked!

Eccles: And the witness not being cross-examined?

Billy: They didn't want to upset him by pointing out that he was either a liar or a lunatic. (They'd had so much trouble with other witness, a junkie who kept changing his mind.) Inspector Plod of the anti-Catholic Task Force ("Flying Plod of the Yard") went to great trouble to write his testimony in green ink, and he didn't want to rewrite it.

Eccles: How about "Thou shalt not bear false witness"?

Billy: Oh yes, oh yes. They warned us that the Catholics would try to confuse things by digging up out-of-date theological arguments.

Aaaarggh!!! Can we stop now??? My brain is giving off steam!!!

Eccles: Mr Bong, thank you very much.

Picnic at Hanging Rock. Police claim that Cardinal Pell abducted these girls in 1900.

Anti Moly on de jurry

In her younger days, Anti Moly was on de jurry of a very excittin murder trail, and she was tellin Bosco and me about it. My Anti Moly is a grate lady, even thuogh she aint saved, so I gonna put de story here too.

It was all about a gang of people accused of murderin someone in a catheddral. Dey swore in de jurry, and when Anti Moly's turn came de usher said "Has you any connectoins wiv de laywers or de defenndants?"

"I hates dem!" said Anti Moly.
"Who?" asked de usher.
"All of dem!" said my dere Anti. "De laywers got wiggs on, dey is sockpoppets, probbably from a traddy cliqque. Allso I knows de judge cos when I was a cleanin lady I used to clean his chammbers. Dey was fillthy I can tell you and..."
"Dat's enough of dat, Mrs Haddock," said de usher. "It dont count."
"Ho hum, I was wonderin why I got frew de gin so quickly," commented de judge.

Here's a photto of Anti Moly addressin de court.

"Does you sware by Almihgty God to be an honest jurrer, to stay awake, and not to shout 'sockpoppet' at de judge?" asked de usher.
"ROFL," said Anti Moly. "I doesn't believe in any gods. And I aint callin him 'Yer honor', he dont know any more about law than I does, I saw de Merchant of Venus at de Pottymouth Playhuose. Dont fink you can pretennd dat de quallity of mercy is straned, you poor sad woeful creecher, cos it aint." (De Pottymouth Playhuose is what Anti Moly used as a sauce of learnin in de old days before she got her educcation from Goggle and Wikkipedia. Usaully dey acted herroic tales of jolly swagmans jumpin into billaboings, but sometimes dey did Shakespear too.)

Well, de case finally got started. De crinimals in de dock was accused of stabbin a Cathlic preist in good standin, and dey pleaded guilty. Since an artist was standin nearby to paint a pitcher of the scene, de evvidence was probbably overwhemling.

"Well," said de judge, "I fink your clients has come to de rihgt decission, Mr Cuttley."
"Objectoin!" screemed Anti Moly. "You aint tellin me dat its a crime now to murder Cathlics, you silly man wiv a wigg?"

De judge was very angrry and he sentenced my Anti Moly for Contepmt of Court. Dis is what dey did to her, and she was very cross.

Dis herroic tale have inspired my bruvver Bosco, dat maybe he can become a judge. Bosco will miss de Day of Judgement, bein saved already, but maybe he can help God make up his mind about dem what aint alreddy saved. So you all gotta be nice to Bosco, he got infleunce.