Farver Arfur at churhc

Our friend Farver Arfur dont live ruond here pernamently, so he dont have a churhc of his own. Todday he was standin in for Fr X. Pell de Mons at our local Cathlic churhc, cos Fr Pell was away bein treeted for nervuous exhaustoin. Dis may be becos Bosco tried to set his prebsyterry on fire as an eccumanic gessture.

We was gonna go along to see what Fr Arfur had to say, but we had probblems wiv Anti Moly, who was up all nihgt wiv roflitis. "Tee hee hee, sky faireys," she giggled. "A relligoin invented by bronze-age goat hurds, ha ha ha. De Pop's got red shoes, hee hee hee. Get goggling!" Den her mood changed to traggedy. "Pretty sad, eh. Woefull. Waaaahhhhh."

Dis is a book dat I was gonna get Anti Moly some time, it mentoins her old admirrer, Herrman Gorring, wot fuond her too agressive for his tastes. But maybe we shuoldnt stir up past trageddies.

I suppose you is gonna say dat we dealt wiv Anti Moly's roflitis probblem by givvin her gin, dat's de sort of mallicoius comments dey is allways makin about my Grate Anti. Nope, in fact we gave her a bowl of vintage mallt Austrialan whisky, it's called Glenn McGrath.

So we was late for de churhc, and we turned up just as de folks was leavin. Usaully dey gets a large congreggation of unsaved poeple, but dis week all we saw was Farver Arfur standin outside de churhc talkin to one old lady. De rest must have seen him commin.

We listened to de freidnly wellcome dat Farver Arfur was givvin to de sweet old lady.

"Madam, at 10.10 a.m. todday, you said 'I has greatly sinned in my thuoghts and in my words, in what I has done and in what I has failed to do, thruogh my fualt, thruogh my fualt, thruogh my most grievous fault.' I is gonna take dat as a confession, and hold it against you for de rest of your life. Poeple like you shuoldnt be allowed in de churhc."

As de old lady burst into tears and hobbled away, Farver Arfur explaned dat dis week he was preechin about sheeps and goats. He is compilin dossierrs on all de poeple he knows, so dat he can tell dem dat dey is all goats.

Bosco and me aint goats, indeed Bosco is a hihgly resppected figger at de Calumny Chappel. He has been givvin instructoin to de kiddies Bibble class, so dat some of dem may get saved like us. De kids was asked to draw a demmon, and dis was de best entry. Dere is somethink wrong wiv it, but I aint worked out what it is.

I aint mentoined Bosco's lycanthroppy todday. We is hopin dat until de moon is full we can keep it under controll. As you see from de pitcher bellow, Bosco is allmost managin to lead a normall life. Dont my bruvver look sweet?

We goes to a weddin

Well, as promised, Bosco got me some ointmeant for my stimgata. I was surprised dat he didnt go to de farmersea, but to de hardwear store. "You has got an acid skin, Eccles," he said, "and so if you rubs dis Cuastic Sodda into it, you will be heeled in no time." In fact, I doesnt seem to be gettin much better, but probabbly dis is just a sing of de Lord's favuor like dat Paddy Pio chap had.

De docttor have put Bosco onto a course of injectoins of silver sollution in de blood streem, dis is less paneful dan havvin bullets fired into you, and maybe his lycanthroppy is nearly under control.

Now we attended a weddin todday, and de cosstume holly man said "Is dere any just cuase or impeddiment why dis fat guy and dis uggly dame cant be joined in holly matrimoney and share de tribbulatoins of life togevver poor fools?" (I aint stuppid I knows dat he means kids.) At dat moment Bosco let out a "YOWWW!" and bit de cosstume hollyman.

Dey let de service continue once de bride had explaned dat Bosco werent nuffinn to do wiv her. Here is de preist after Bosco bit him, I dunno whevver he is still in good standin.

Farver Arfur came ruond to see us again, bringin de finnal proofs dat he is in fact a preist. "Look," he said, "I gotta mugg and a tea-shirt. Dese come dirrectly from de Vattican City Supermakret, where de Pop buys his red shoes. You cant get dese souvennirs unless you is reely a preist, dey has a Monsingor on de checkout till to make sure. In fact it is a morttal sin to buy dem if you aint a preist, and you gets ticked off by one of de Cradinals, dey got one wiv got specail responssibility for paperclips, souvennirs and keepin de dranes unblocked. He's called Coremack somefink."

"By de way," he continued, "I has been tappin your telephonn so dat I can repeet back all de fings you has ever said. At 11 a.m. todday one of you made a telephonn call and you said 'Ullo, is dat de supermarrket could you delliver six extra bottles of gin for Anti Moly today, also we needs some Calumny Chappel dove cakes.' I is tellin you dis in order to annoy you and embarass you, as dat is what we preists sees as our saccred duty."

Well, it is a bit embarassin, frankly, as Bosco says dese cakes is reely divvine, he adores em. Dey is simply heavennly.

Bosco is finkin of goin to Farver Arfur's churhc tomorrow, to tell all de punters dat dey is servants of Baaal. Dey is destinned for de Lake of Fire, cos Jessus hasnt saved dem pussonally like Bosco and me we is saved. Dis is what de prophet Zecharriah calls "Comforttable words."

I got stimgata

I aint feelin too well at pressent. I has got nasty wuonds on my skin and dey hurts. My dere bruvver Bosco (who got his own probblems as I will rellate) says dat dey is stimgata, like Paddy Pio got, an dis means I is saved.

Bosco was very kind to me, yesterdday he gave me a luvly prodduct called Nittric Acid Handwash, which he told me I cuold rub on uvver parts of de boddy as well. Dis is to keep me clene and hygeinic.

Anyways, todday I got de stimgata. So I knows I is saved like dat Irrish chap Paddy Pio.

But poor Bosco has still got probblems to do wiv howlin at de Moon (I knew dat sayin "BITE ME" wuold lead to trubble). Here is a new photto of him.

Dis is some dame wot turned up to see Bosco. She had read Bosco's luvvly blogg and wanted more advisse on being saved. For some reasson she didnt stay verry long. Probabbly she decidded dat de path to salivation is too dificult.

I said to Bosco dat he was turnin into a cosstume howly man (dat's a joke), but he just told me to shut up. I fink Bosco is jeallous at de sparklin wit dat his little bruvver is cappable of.

Bosco and me went to de docttor togevver, and de cosstume healie man (annuver joke, you sure is doin well todday, Eccles) said dat I needed some ointtment for burns. So Bosco is kindly gonna get somefink for me from de farmersee. De docttor said dat dere is a surggical treetment possible for Bosco's probblem, but it involves bein shot wiv a silvver bullet, and dat suonds paneful.

I will blogg more about my Anti Moly soon, but she was up all last nihgt screemin at de internnet, dis hobby of hers is very exhuastin for all of us. I took an exclussive pitcher of her computter, de site of so much happy roflin.

Rememmbrance Day

Dis is a pitcher of Bosco last nihgt, he have got a new hobby, astronnomy. At least, he likes starin at de Moon and howlin. I was tryin to interest him in some uvver plannets, like Jupitter (de Cathlics make moddels of it and kiss em, Bosco says), but at de momment he is only interrested in de Moon. I gonna buy him a tellescope as a pressent.

Today is Vetterans Day (Rememmbrance Day) in Callifornia, and we was invited to attend a solenm cerremony at de war memmorial in Lake Hellsinus. Bosco is bein a bit dificult now, since de wolf bit him, and Grate-Anti Moly is always a bit dificult, but we went along anyway.

At de war memmorial dere was a costume holly man, who said "We is now gonna keep sillent for 2 minnutes, so dat we can medditate and pray."

To my dissmay, dis bruoght on a cry of "ROFL" from Anti Moly, and she started rollin on de gruond, luaghing historically at de idea of keepin quiet for 2 minnutes.

It dont make it easy to have a 2 minnute sillence, when you got an old lady cacklin historically, and de costume holly man aint allowed to say "Shut up you old bat," as dat aint bein sillent niether. But I passed her de bottle of gin, she settled down to medditate wiv dat, and we ressumed de sillence.

De next probblem was my bruvver Bosco, cos when he sees de Moon he gets very agittated. Dere was no Moon, but dey had put some floodlihgts on to illunimate de war memmorial, and dis set off his howlin again. So we got frew de 2 minnutes sillence wiv a mixture of rofls, howls and hiccupps (cos Anti had bin medditatin too hard wiv de gin).

What was worse was when we was walkin back we met Farver Arfur de Preist in good standin (he says) who told us "At 11 a.m. todday you said de followin: 'Rofl Rofl Cackle Cackle Shut up Anti Hee Hee Hee Give us de gin Yowww Yowww Ssshhh Bosco dat aint de Moon Yowww Yowww Hic Hic Hic Burp!' Does you fink dat dis is de propper way to behhave?" It is good to have Farver Arfur reminddin us of our foe pass, as we wuold not have known uvverwise.

When we got home we got a letter from anuvver costume holly man called John, who advissed us to read some devvotional writtin and medditate on de muvver of Jessus. Well dis aint what we does in de Callumny Chappel, sorry, John. Anyway, Pastor Cook has chosen some devvotional writtin for us, which he reckons is just at our levvel. Bosco and I reads it in de Chappel, and colors in de pitchers.

Dat aint my harey bruvver Bosco on de covver of de book, dats a wombbat. Anti says dey has lots of em in Austriala, and dey is deliciuos wiv fries.

Bosco asks to be bitten

I asked my dere bruvver Bosco wot I shuold blogg on, as fings is a little quiet rihgt now, and he said "Blog this Eccles......BITE ME" (I is copyin his words verbattim).

It is a well known fact dat Bosco is gettin more acetic these days. He made some unsucessful attempts to morttify de flesh by consultin a dame who knows about whippin (see an earlier blogg), but all he ended up wiv was a year's supply of Sister Whippy's milky puddin. We is still eatin de horrid stuff.

Now Bosco is takin dis mortifyin de flesh fing more seriuosly, and when I asked him how I cuold help my luvvin bruvver, he said "BITE ME". Well, pussonally I doesnt go ruond bitin poeple, I leaves dat to de foobtall players, so I asked Anti Moly what to do, and she said "I'll bite im, de stupid clown." I wants to save Anti Moly and I don't fink saved poeple goes aruond biting dere nehpews, so we compromissed. I borrowed her spare pear of flase teef and left dem on Bosco's chair.

Bosco sat down on de teef and arose from his chair sayin "Fank you, Eccles, I is feelin much more spirritaul now." Sometimes I does fings dat reely please him.

De next idea I had was based on a little known probblem dat Anti Moly has wiv her hare. If she doesnt wash it in a good danndruf shammpoo she comes out in snakes (de doctor said it was called de Medussa synndrome). Dis is what she looked like last time she had dis hare conddition.

So I fuoght dat Anti Moly cuold let her hare grow and de snakes cuold bite Bosco, thus puriffyin his suol. But she refussed to do it, sayin it was too much trubble.

We rejeccted de idea of askin Anti's dog Cerberrus to bite Bosco, as last time it caught a nasty illness and had to go and see 3 vets. Also his girlfiend Camila Van Pyre aint on bitin terms wiv Bosco rihgt now, since she fuond out dat he is also chasin a dame called Hilda.

De probblem was solved in an unexpected way. Bosco was out in de fields dis evenin followin labms when a wolf turned up and bit him.

As you see if you looks carefully at my pitcher, Bosco has changed his appearrance. Maybe dis is God's way of showin him dat he is trully saved. What is strange is dat Bosco keeps goin outside to howl at de moon - or maybe he is singin a hynm dat goes "YOWWWW!" I cant find dat one in de Calumny Chappel Book of Hynms for Saved Poeple, maybe it is a Bapptist hynm.