Cardinal Kasper: the Pope's boss

As the Vatican's Extraordinary Synod on the Family approaches, we were lucky to be able to talk to Cardinal Walter Kasper, the man who has already decided what conclusions it will reach.

Pope Francis reacts enthusiastically on hearing what Kasper has decided.

"They're all out to get me," explained Wally. "All those Catholic fundamentalists who insist on being guided by scripture and tradition. After 2000 years of believing the same thing, you'd think that people would realise that it was time for a change! So now that I am in charge of the Catholic church - and Francis is my sockpope - I have called this synod to tell you which new doctrines I'm introducing."

A solution to an unhappy marriage.

"My colleagues tell me that it's unworkable," he continued, "but, after all, if a marriage is going through a bad patch, then Christian charity says that the partners should resolve the problem by having extra-marital affairs, or - if they are unable to agree on this - that one should murder the other. That's what Christ would have recommended if He had had the benefit of my teaching! We cannot simply take an off-the-cuff remark from the Bible, such as 'Thou shalt do no murder' and use it as a basis for our own actions."

Kasper's views are strongly supported by the Tablet. Although not going so far as to advocate murder, many of its journalists agree that Wally is on the right track here. "We believe in a compassionate Church, said one correspondent, "and that means saying to sinners, 'We love you, and we love your sins. Don't try and change!'"

Henry VIII - once described by Pope Leo X as "Defender of the Faith" - was also a good family man.

Kasper has explained that Sensus Kasperi in its widest sense should be the basis of all Catholic teaching; this means that he will carefully weigh up all the issues involved before deciding on the most deranged solution possible.

However, Cardinal Burke, for one, has made remarks which suggest some measure of disagreement with Sensus Kasperi. "The man's a nutter who should have been sent packing years ago," he advised us. "He doesn't know this yet, but he's about to be exiled to a recently vacant diocese in England - they'll put up with anyone over there!"

Likewise, Cardinal Pell, on being told what Kasper had in mind, was careful to be diplomatic in his criticisms. "The old geezer's got as much idea of Catholicism as a drunken wombat," he commented. "Wait until he experiences some real Aussie sledging at the synod. He won't know what hit him."

The Pope's new adviser.

So it seems that things will not run smoothly for Wally. It may even be the case that he will not have the Pope in his pocket after all. Throughout the synod we will be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage, making sure that you don't miss any of the thrills, spills, blood, guts, and mayhem.

A badge being worn by many at the synod.

Rememmbrance Day

Dis is a pitcher of Bosco last nihgt, he have got a new hobby, astronnomy. At least, he likes starin at de Moon and howlin. I was tryin to interest him in some uvver plannets, like Jupitter (de Cathlics make moddels of it and kiss em, Bosco says), but at de momment he is only interrested in de Moon. I gonna buy him a tellescope as a pressent.

Today is Vetterans Day (Rememmbrance Day) in Callifornia, and we was invited to attend a solenm cerremony at de war memmorial in Lake Hellsinus. Bosco is bein a bit dificult now, since de wolf bit him, and Grate-Anti Moly is always a bit dificult, but we went along anyway.

At de war memmorial dere was a costume holly man, who said "We is now gonna keep sillent for 2 minnutes, so dat we can medditate and pray."

To my dissmay, dis bruoght on a cry of "ROFL" from Anti Moly, and she started rollin on de gruond, luaghing historically at de idea of keepin quiet for 2 minnutes.

It dont make it easy to have a 2 minnute sillence, when you got an old lady cacklin historically, and de costume holly man aint allowed to say "Shut up you old bat," as dat aint bein sillent niether. But I passed her de bottle of gin, she settled down to medditate wiv dat, and we ressumed de sillence.

De next probblem was my bruvver Bosco, cos when he sees de Moon he gets very agittated. Dere was no Moon, but dey had put some floodlihgts on to illunimate de war memmorial, and dis set off his howlin again. So we got frew de 2 minnutes sillence wiv a mixture of rofls, howls and hiccupps (cos Anti had bin medditatin too hard wiv de gin).

What was worse was when we was walkin back we met Farver Arfur de Preist in good standin (he says) who told us "At 11 a.m. todday you said de followin: 'Rofl Rofl Cackle Cackle Shut up Anti Hee Hee Hee Give us de gin Yowww Yowww Ssshhh Bosco dat aint de Moon Yowww Yowww Hic Hic Hic Burp!' Does you fink dat dis is de propper way to behhave?" It is good to have Farver Arfur reminddin us of our foe pass, as we wuold not have known uvverwise.

When we got home we got a letter from anuvver costume holly man called John, who advissed us to read some devvotional writtin and medditate on de muvver of Jessus. Well dis aint what we does in de Callumny Chappel, sorry, John. Anyway, Pastor Cook has chosen some devvotional writtin for us, which he reckons is just at our levvel. Bosco and I reads it in de Chappel, and colors in de pitchers.

Dat aint my harey bruvver Bosco on de covver of de book, dats a wombbat. Anti says dey has lots of em in Austriala, and dey is deliciuos wiv fries.