Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.

Rememmbrance Day

Dis is a pitcher of Bosco last nihgt, he have got a new hobby, astronnomy. At least, he likes starin at de Moon and howlin. I was tryin to interest him in some uvver plannets, like Jupitter (de Cathlics make moddels of it and kiss em, Bosco says), but at de momment he is only interrested in de Moon. I gonna buy him a tellescope as a pressent.

Today is Vetterans Day (Rememmbrance Day) in Callifornia, and we was invited to attend a solenm cerremony at de war memmorial in Lake Hellsinus. Bosco is bein a bit dificult now, since de wolf bit him, and Grate-Anti Moly is always a bit dificult, but we went along anyway.

At de war memmorial dere was a costume holly man, who said "We is now gonna keep sillent for 2 minnutes, so dat we can medditate and pray."

To my dissmay, dis bruoght on a cry of "ROFL" from Anti Moly, and she started rollin on de gruond, luaghing historically at de idea of keepin quiet for 2 minnutes.

It dont make it easy to have a 2 minnute sillence, when you got an old lady cacklin historically, and de costume holly man aint allowed to say "Shut up you old bat," as dat aint bein sillent niether. But I passed her de bottle of gin, she settled down to medditate wiv dat, and we ressumed de sillence.

De next probblem was my bruvver Bosco, cos when he sees de Moon he gets very agittated. Dere was no Moon, but dey had put some floodlihgts on to illunimate de war memmorial, and dis set off his howlin again. So we got frew de 2 minnutes sillence wiv a mixture of rofls, howls and hiccupps (cos Anti had bin medditatin too hard wiv de gin).

What was worse was when we was walkin back we met Farver Arfur de Preist in good standin (he says) who told us "At 11 a.m. todday you said de followin: 'Rofl Rofl Cackle Cackle Shut up Anti Hee Hee Hee Give us de gin Yowww Yowww Ssshhh Bosco dat aint de Moon Yowww Yowww Hic Hic Hic Burp!' Does you fink dat dis is de propper way to behhave?" It is good to have Farver Arfur reminddin us of our foe pass, as we wuold not have known uvverwise.

When we got home we got a letter from anuvver costume holly man called John, who advissed us to read some devvotional writtin and medditate on de muvver of Jessus. Well dis aint what we does in de Callumny Chappel, sorry, John. Anyway, Pastor Cook has chosen some devvotional writtin for us, which he reckons is just at our levvel. Bosco and I reads it in de Chappel, and colors in de pitchers.

Dat aint my harey bruvver Bosco on de covver of de book, dats a wombbat. Anti says dey has lots of em in Austriala, and dey is deliciuos wiv fries.