Why don't Anglicans go to church on Sundays?

Many sages, including the Anglican Archdruid Eileen and the Catholic Fr Longenecker, have wondered why Anglicans don't like to go to church on Sundays. After all, wouldn't you expect Janet and John Anglican to leap out of bed on a Sunday morning, with a dialogue something like the following?

Come on... no need for everyone to sit at the back!

"Hurrah! It's the 21st Sunday after Trinity today! Let's rush down to St Tharg's for Morning Prayer!"

"Hey, we've got a simply great Collect today. We're going to beseech God to grant us pardon and peace; that we may be cleansed from all our sins, and serve Him with a quiet mind!"

"Splendid! I'm fed up with serving Him with a noisy mind! What's the Epistle?"

"A good solid chunk of Ephesians, dear. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth..."

"Yes, I'm just putting on my trousers. Anything interesting in the Gospel?"

"Yes, Jesus meets a certain nobleman, whose son is sick at Capernaum."

"Does He heal the son?"

"Oh... you've heard that one before!"

"Nothing but repeats... let's not bother."

Jesus heals the hypochondriac by giving him two aspirins.

As it happens I do occasionally find myself in an Anglican service. The last time, it was indeed a Matins (which seems to have the advantage that there is no Kiss of Peace, even if there's not much spiritual nourishment either). The priest started chatting about something else - I think it was the fact that he had a sore throat - and then hastily turned to the "liturgy" and said "I suppose we'd better say this bit" before getting down to the script. Yes he did.

To be fair, he preached a rather good sermon - far better than many Catholic sermons I've heard, and probably just as orthodox. I can't remember what it was about, but that's fine. You're not supposed to remember. If you do, how can the priest use the same sermon next year?

The classic way to make sermons more interesting.

The hymns... well, they were be produced by the I'm Sorry, I haven't a Clue team. In other words, we had unfamiliar words sung to the tunes of familiar hymns. I think the problem is that old (traditional) hymns are no longer considered acceptable - especially not ones about God smiting sinners - and so we have to have anodyne rubbish about how we welcome God's Light in when we're brushing our teeth.

This was a small village church, with a congregation of about 15. Afterwards, we went out and threw bricks through the windows of everyone who hadn't turned up. No, actually I made that bit up. However, it might have been better if the priest was in the habit of knocking on doors, saying "We haven't seen you in church lately, Mr Mohammed; have you been unwell?" Who knows what might have happened?

The St Tharg's Press Gang drags in a reluctant worshipper.

Dawkins founds a monastery

Ever-anxious to show that he can do all the things Christians do - only better - Professor Richard Dawkins announced today the foundation of the Monastery of the Selfish Gene, of which he would be the first Abbot.

Father Richard and, er, Brother Richard in the monastery.

The press agent for the M.S.G. has put together a list of Frequently Asked Questions for those interested in becoming atheist monks.

Q: Do I have to take vows of poverty, chastity or obedience?

A: No, nothing like that. If you want to write best-selling books or go round the world on well-paid lecture tours, that's just fine (but give some of the proceeds to Fr Richard!) Chastity is also a no-no. Let those selfish genes of yours travel! But we do demand obedience, and indeed outright sycophancy, to Fr Richard.

We've already expelled one monk for reading this behind the bike-sheds.

Q: What do you do all day long?

A: There are regular services of worship:

Leuds, where we make smutty jokes about God; 
Matings, where we share our genes with the Little Sisters of 
St Polly next door;
Meme, where we use Richard's Holy Word "Meme" in as many 
inappropriate contexts as possible;
Sex;
Nones, Terce, Vespers... haven't got these worked out yet but 
probably they'll involve singing praises to Fr Richard;
Complain, where we grumble about God.

Apart from that we have lectures on theology from Fr Richard, who has been urgently googling Aquastine and Aguinas (I hope we've got those names right!) as well as St Paul's Letter to the Delusions.

Q: Do you run hospitals and schools, or do other works of charity?

A: No... there's a limit to how much we can imitate those Christians you know! Still, some people have said that we should turn ourselves into a hospital for the incurably insane. We may yet do this!

Sister Lalla demonstrates the traditional art of carpet-biting.

Q: How about a vow of silence?

A: Ha ha ha! No, Richard is dead against that one. But you'd be surprised how many people have suggested it to him.