Miracles are just a bit... unlikely

After our piece from Brian Cox, aged 13, explaining that science rules out the existence of the soul, another clever child has sent us a contribution.

Hello, I'm Alice Roberts, of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. I may be only 11, but I won the school's Frankenstein Prize for Biology, and I am very very clever. Like Brian Cox, I have friends who call me Professor (as well as Miss Smuggy-bloomers) and when I grow up I want to be on the television!!

Now, miracles!!?? I've thought about them a lot, and my considered opinion is that they don't happen very often!!?? Father Chasuble, our school chaplain, said to me, "Alice, it will be a miracle if we can ever instil any common sense into your head."

Well, he didn't manage to do it, so that proves my point, doesn't it!!

Take that alleged miracle at Cana, for example! Many's the time I've tried to turn water into wine by following the recipe in the Bible - you pour water into big pots and voilà!! It has never worked!! Well, once it produced a brownish liquid, but that was just because the pot was dirty (Mummy said the cat had been sleeping in it). Anyway, this miraculous so-called wine made me very ill when I drank it!!

"That's three glasses of wine, and a gin and tonic for Alice."

I've thought about miracles a lot. I tried walking on water, but that didn't work, and I got very wet!! How can Christians insult our intelligence by telling us that it's possible?? I even tried curing the blind man at number 12 by smearing mud in his eyes. Did it work?? No it didn't!! And the police gave me a good telling-off!!

No, take it from me, miracles are very unlikely. You'd need some sort of supernatural help, wouldn't you?? Some sort of God, maybe?? Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Well, I am giving miracles one last chance. I'm giving a big dinner party to all my thousands of admirers (once the Covid is over) and we'll see just how far we get with five loaves and two fishes!! If you ask me, it's very unlikely to work!!

Cardinal Pell accused of witchcraft

See also The Crimes of Cardinal Pell and the Case against Cardinal Pell.

Following the conviction of Cardinal Pell on the basis of totally unbelievable testimony, the Victorian Kangaroo Court of Appeal has confirmed the verdict by a majority of 2 to 1; that is, Anne Ferguson and Chris Maxwell believed him guilty "beyond all reasonable doubt", while Mark Weinberg disagreed, writing a mere 200 pages expressing one or two reasonable doubts.

Spot the man with the functioning brain (R)

The arguments of Ferguson and Maxwell, if accepted, actually imply that Cardinal Pell was guilty of practising witchcraft, or possibly miracles (useful when his cause for canonization comes up).

* Your Eminence, you are accused of bilocation, in that your corporal body was standing outside the cathedral talking to dozens of people, at the same time as it was in the sacristy.

* Cardinal Pell, you are accused of bewitching your vestments, so that you could expose yourself under several layers of heavy clothing, while at the same time attacking your victim.

* Pell, you must have been aided by demons, as the above could only have been managed by someone with four hands.

* Pell, you rotter, you cast a forgetfulness spell, so that the victim did not remember anything of the event until 20 years later, and could not even remember when the events happened, and thereby made it impossible for you to call witnesses to prove that nothing happened.

A key witness against Cardinal Pell. Oh, sorry, there weren't any.

* Pell, you complete and utter swine, your real offence is that you are a Catholic, and speak out against same-sex marriage and abortion, which are the pillars of Australian society.

* Pell, you will be damned eternally, because you noticed that the Vatican Bank had been up to some extremely dodgy transactions. Don't expect Pope Francis to help you, therefore!

With all this in mind, we indict Pell on charges of witchcraft, and sentence him to be burnt at the stake.

And this is the reasoned verdict of us, Mad Annie and Bonkers Chris. WEINBERG, WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Phew, Annie, I think we got away with it. Fancy a few tinnies to celebrate?

Pope Francis explains the miracles of Jesus

As all modern Catholics know, there is an easy explanation for the "miracle" of the feeding of the 5,000; namely, that it was all a matter of the happy picknickers sharing what they already had. This theory has now been endorsed by no less than Pope Francis himself.

Explaining away miracles is a good way to make Catholicism popular among atheists, as these guys have always had problems with believing in God, the supernatural etc., and these ideas are not, strictly speaking, needed in modern Catholicism.

Pope Francis went on to explain some of the other alleged miracles of Jesus:

The miracle at Cana (John 2). Yes, indeed the host's wine ran out. But the guests at the wedding knew that the host was an old stingy-chops, and smuggled in their own bottles and hip flasks, which (as it is recorded in the gospels) contained much better stuff, anyway.

"That reminds me, I do have a few bottles with me."

The paralysed man (Mark 2). This was the chap who was let down from the roof of someone's house, and was told, "Take up your bed and walk." It's clear what happened here: old Habakkuk was the laziest man in Capernaum, and had taken to his bed, rather than do an honest day's work. Jesus knew this, and told him to get up.

The man possessed by demons (Luke 8). This is greatly exaggerated, of course. The man was actually singing a selection of hymns such as "Gather us in", "Walk in the Light", and "Kumbayah". This upset a herd of pigs with great musical taste, and they all rushed into the sea to escape. Seeing this, the man instantly sobered up and went on to compose "Lord of the Dance". No, that can't be exactly right. But something like that happened.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of a man possessed by demons.

The raising of Lazarus (John 11-12). Of course, raising people from the dead is impossible. No doubt, Lazarus wasn't really dead, but was pretending to be dead for tax reasons. You try sitting around in a tomb for a few days, and people will naturally come to the conclusion that you have passed on, especially if you hang a sign saying "R.I.P." on the door.

Walking on the water and stilling the storm (Matthew 8 and 14). This is greatly exaggerated, and no doubt Jesus had found a underwater causeway: alternatively, He had been practising some sort of circus act. As for stilling the storm, well the trick is to say "Be still" just as the weather is getting better. Any competent meteorologist can do it.

St Peter decides to try going by car.

Answering questions (Matthew 22). No, we don't have an explanation for this one. Pope Francis has been unable to answer five simple Dubia ("it would be a miracle if he could"), so it is a complete mystery how Jesus managed to tackle some distinctly thorny questions from the Pharisees and Sadducees. It's simply amazing.