Cardinal Pell accused of witchcraft

See also The Crimes of Cardinal Pell and the Case against Cardinal Pell.

Following the conviction of Cardinal Pell on the basis of totally unbelievable testimony, the Victorian Kangaroo Court of Appeal has confirmed the verdict by a majority of 2 to 1; that is, Anne Ferguson and Chris Maxwell believed him guilty "beyond all reasonable doubt", while Mark Weinberg disagreed, writing a mere 200 pages expressing one or two reasonable doubts.

Spot the man with the functioning brain (R)

The arguments of Ferguson and Maxwell, if accepted, actually imply that Cardinal Pell was guilty of practising witchcraft, or possibly miracles (useful when his cause for canonization comes up).

* Your Eminence, you are accused of bilocation, in that your corporal body was standing outside the cathedral talking to dozens of people, at the same time as it was in the sacristy.

* Cardinal Pell, you are accused of bewitching your vestments, so that you could expose yourself under several layers of heavy clothing, while at the same time attacking your victim.

* Pell, you must have been aided by demons, as the above could only have been managed by someone with four hands.

* Pell, you rotter, you cast a forgetfulness spell, so that the victim did not remember anything of the event until 20 years later, and could not even remember when the events happened, and thereby made it impossible for you to call witnesses to prove that nothing happened.

A key witness against Cardinal Pell. Oh, sorry, there weren't any.

* Pell, you complete and utter swine, your real offence is that you are a Catholic, and speak out against same-sex marriage and abortion, which are the pillars of Australian society.

* Pell, you will be damned eternally, because you noticed that the Vatican Bank had been up to some extremely dodgy transactions. Don't expect Pope Francis to help you, therefore!

With all this in mind, we indict Pell on charges of witchcraft, and sentence him to be burnt at the stake.

And this is the reasoned verdict of us, Mad Annie and Bonkers Chris. WEINBERG, WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Phew, Annie, I think we got away with it. Fancy a few tinnies to celebrate?

Sunday at the Synod

We don't normally do two consecutive blog posts on the same subject, but as the only reliable (and saved) English-speaking reporter at the Synod in Rome, I have been asked to keep people up to date.

So, it is Sunday, and many of the cardinals, bishops and hangers-on decided to go to church. Last week, we had a real problem with the Gospel, and the bits about divorce being a bad thing were only just passed by a 2/3 majority; even then, Cardinal Kasper sat through the Gospel pulling faces and rolling his eyes.

Today's problematic reading was about the problems of excessive wealth, and as it happened we had Cardinal Marx preaching on this. The way he told it was: Remember that it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a camel to, er...

...er, than it is for a camel to!* It seems that this is the version approved by the German Bishops' Conference.

*Epigram stolen from Rowan Williams Atkinson, I think.

"I'm not even going to try this needle trick."

Since Cardinal Baldisseri had removed all the Bibles, we were unable to check that these were actually the original words,

Earlier, there was an embarrassing scene at the Synod when Archbishop Paul-Andre Durocher of Gatineau spoke out, saying that the Synod should reflect on the possibility of ordaining women as deacons. Mutterings of "Isn't that the topic of next year's synod?" and "I think his personal organizer's on the blink" went round the room. He was eventually reminded why we were here, and other participants were advised that whingeing about the translations of the liturgy was also off-topic, and they'd have to continue saying "communion of the Holy Spirit" and "consubstantial" for another year or two.

"Hello, which synod is this, exactly?"

Finally, I noticed that I was being followed around by a burly-looking man called Tommy Rosica, who kept taking notes. I thought he was merely a journalist, but it turns out that he is also a Catholic priest in his spare time. So I went up to him and said "Morning, Father, I'm feeling particular saved this morning."

He replied, "Are you on Twitter? In that case, you're blocked!"

Apparently he offers the "block of Peace" to all who get in his way, much like the British politician George Galloway. These two spiritual giants should meet some time for a "Block thine enemies" session.

"Little does @pontifex know that I've just blocked him."

LATE NEWS. Cardinal Péter Erdő has been found bound and gagged in his bedroom, apparently to stop him from doing any more "Relatio" stuff. My Italian is a bit rusty, but the police say the prime suspect is a baldisseri, which my new friend Tommy Rosica tells me means "a bald man". But when they have their hats on, it's very hard to work out which of the cardinals is bald...

Love and fluffy bunnies

In which Eccles offends nobody.

This is me, Eccles (but without the red biretta).

A few of my recent posts have been a bit too satirical, and misunderstood by people who didn't really get the point - this misunderstanding being encouraged by some deliberate misrepresentation by various unsaved persons. So today I am going to impersonate a fluffy bunny, and show that I can love my enemies: I will offend nobody. After all, you never saw Christ mocking the Pharisees. Well, except in the Bible.

As a carrot in good standing, I wish to protest about fluffy bunnies.

Let's start with my new friend Richard Dawkins. Since I stood up for him in the TEESHIRTGATE scandal, saying that he had a perfect right to wear a "Jesus and Mo" tee-shirt, provided that he didn't mind looking like a vulgar idiot, Professor D. has become one of my greatest admirers. "There's a lot of good in Brother Eccles," he says, and indeed, he has sent me flowers, chocolates, and copies of his greatest books; also, he has invited me to attend a Dawkins-worship service at the Church of Dawkins. I am still undecided about that.

L'élégance Oxonienne - but I don't understand this shirt.

Who is next for the Eccles paw of friendship? Poor Barack Obama has had a bad press here lately, but what's a passion for late-term abortions and a mania for warmongering, among close friends? No, I have plenty of good things to say about him too.

A true comedian: Obama recreates the "silly walks" sketch from Monty Python.

Another politician who needs a little love is Enda Kenny. No, I will not call him Enda Life, nor refer to him as Ireland's shame. He is a pious Catholic, fully supported by the Irish bishops, and the world is a beautiful place.

Enda Kenny - loves all creatures that live and breathe.*

*Offer may not apply to humans. Your mileage may vary.

Another group of people that I have vowed to love is the Tablet staff. Distinguished experts on Human Flourishing such as Tina Beattie, brilliant writers such as Catherine Pepinster, and of course the great Ed Stourton, as a result of whose efforts the BBC is now regarded in many circles as a place where one finds unswerving support for orthodox Catholicism.

"And they roll up their trouser legs like this." Ed explains freemasonry.

Of course Eccles is already on excellent terms with the English and Welsh bishops, and has often praised their faithfulness to the Magisterium and their opposition to organizations such as ACTA. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love ACTA too, I think it's shocking that they live in fear, and that most Catholics are too busy getting on with their daily business of loving God and loving their neighbours to listen to their demands for power. But of course bishops are even more important than the 95-year-old enfants terribles of the Church.

A bishop. Anglican? Catholic? How can you tell?

Well, even fluffy bunnies have their enemies. If any blood-crazed ferrets or foxy deacons are reading this, I love you too, but preferably from a safe distance.