Miracles are just a bit... unlikely

After our piece from Brian Cox, aged 13, explaining that science rules out the existence of the soul, another clever child has sent us a contribution.

Hello, I'm Alice Roberts, of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. I may be only 11, but I won the school's Frankenstein Prize for Biology, and I am very very clever. Like Brian Cox, I have friends who call me Professor (as well as Miss Smuggy-bloomers) and when I grow up I want to be on the television!!

Now, miracles!!?? I've thought about them a lot, and my considered opinion is that they don't happen very often!!?? Father Chasuble, our school chaplain, said to me, "Alice, it will be a miracle if we can ever instil any common sense into your head."

Well, he didn't manage to do it, so that proves my point, doesn't it!!

Take that alleged miracle at Cana, for example! Many's the time I've tried to turn water into wine by following the recipe in the Bible - you pour water into big pots and voilà!! It has never worked!! Well, once it produced a brownish liquid, but that was just because the pot was dirty (Mummy said the cat had been sleeping in it). Anyway, this miraculous so-called wine made me very ill when I drank it!!

"That's three glasses of wine, and a gin and tonic for Alice."

I've thought about miracles a lot. I tried walking on water, but that didn't work, and I got very wet!! How can Christians insult our intelligence by telling us that it's possible?? I even tried curing the blind man at number 12 by smearing mud in his eyes. Did it work?? No it didn't!! And the police gave me a good telling-off!!

No, take it from me, miracles are very unlikely. You'd need some sort of supernatural help, wouldn't you?? Some sort of God, maybe?? Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Well, I am giving miracles one last chance. I'm giving a big dinner party to all my thousands of admirers (once the Covid is over) and we'll see just how far we get with five loaves and two fishes!! If you ask me, it's very unlikely to work!!

Pope Francis slaps down Fr James Martin LGBTSJ

No, he probably didn't. Conservative and liberal Catholics united today to explain that reports that Pope Francis SJ had criticised his faithful adviser Jimbo Martin SJ were incorrect.

"This handshake is not to be interpreted as meaning that I like you."

For the conservatives, the case is clear. Jimbo is Francis's blue-eyed boy. He may spend his time pushing anti-Catholic teaching, but doesn't the Holy Father do that all the time? Why, if Francis wasn't 83 years old and suffering from sciatica, he'd be rolling along to one of Jim's Ignatian yoga classes and sticking his legs behind his neck like the rest of them.

For the liberals the case is clear. Fr James Martin is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at LGBT retreats. How could he possibly be criticised by Pope Francis, who is one of the Catholic Church's greatest scholars, teachers, sages, a living saint, and great fun at synod parties? There, there, Massimo, calm down and put some ice cubes on your head - your mighty brain is overheating. And Jon Sweeney-Todd, biographer (ha ha!) of Sunny Jim, do stop screaming at people.

Anyway, Archbishop Wester says that during the time he was actually awake, he didn't hear any comments that could definitely be referring to Sunny Jim in a way that might have suggested or implied that he was in any way less than perfect. So QED.

"Today it takes Jesus two tries before he can heal a blind man in Bethsaida."

Following on from this, we are fortunate to be able to publish an exclusive statement from Fr James Martin on "Things God couldn't quite manage."

* God needed six days to create the Universe because He couldn't do it any faster.

* Noah's flood was caused by God accidentally leaving a tap running in Heaven.

* Jesus turned water into wine as He didn't know how to do whisky.

"A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water! Please!"

* When Jesus asked "Whose head is on that coin?" it was because He really didn't know.

* Likewise, "Who do people say that I am?" was an attempt to catch up on the gossip.

* Walking on the water was really accidental, it can easily happen if you don't look where you're going.

* Finally, our Lord rose on the third day as the first two attempts failed.

Thank you, Fr Jim! It all goes to show how things can go wrong if you don't have a Canaanite woman to advise you!

Pope Francis explains the miracles of Jesus

As all modern Catholics know, there is an easy explanation for the "miracle" of the feeding of the 5,000; namely, that it was all a matter of the happy picknickers sharing what they already had. This theory has now been endorsed by no less than Pope Francis himself.

Explaining away miracles is a good way to make Catholicism popular among atheists, as these guys have always had problems with believing in God, the supernatural etc., and these ideas are not, strictly speaking, needed in modern Catholicism.

Pope Francis went on to explain some of the other alleged miracles of Jesus:

The miracle at Cana (John 2). Yes, indeed the host's wine ran out. But the guests at the wedding knew that the host was an old stingy-chops, and smuggled in their own bottles and hip flasks, which (as it is recorded in the gospels) contained much better stuff, anyway.

"That reminds me, I do have a few bottles with me."

The paralysed man (Mark 2). This was the chap who was let down from the roof of someone's house, and was told, "Take up your bed and walk." It's clear what happened here: old Habakkuk was the laziest man in Capernaum, and had taken to his bed, rather than do an honest day's work. Jesus knew this, and told him to get up.

The man possessed by demons (Luke 8). This is greatly exaggerated, of course. The man was actually singing a selection of hymns such as "Gather us in", "Walk in the Light", and "Kumbayah". This upset a herd of pigs with great musical taste, and they all rushed into the sea to escape. Seeing this, the man instantly sobered up and went on to compose "Lord of the Dance". No, that can't be exactly right. But something like that happened.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of a man possessed by demons.

The raising of Lazarus (John 11-12). Of course, raising people from the dead is impossible. No doubt, Lazarus wasn't really dead, but was pretending to be dead for tax reasons. You try sitting around in a tomb for a few days, and people will naturally come to the conclusion that you have passed on, especially if you hang a sign saying "R.I.P." on the door.

Walking on the water and stilling the storm (Matthew 8 and 14). This is greatly exaggerated, and no doubt Jesus had found a underwater causeway: alternatively, He had been practising some sort of circus act. As for stilling the storm, well the trick is to say "Be still" just as the weather is getting better. Any competent meteorologist can do it.

St Peter decides to try going by car.

Answering questions (Matthew 22). No, we don't have an explanation for this one. Pope Francis has been unable to answer five simple Dubia ("it would be a miracle if he could"), so it is a complete mystery how Jesus managed to tackle some distinctly thorny questions from the Pharisees and Sadducees. It's simply amazing.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

St Ubbs, an Anglican saint

Reprinted from the Indecent newspaper.

Ian Ubbs, vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop

Father Ian Ubbs, the vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop, is one of the most original minds in the Anglican church. His basic philosophy on all matters religious is Christ was wrong.

"For too long the church of England has been treating Christ as if He were some sort of God," explains Father Ian. "In fact, he was a racist homophobic bigot who believed in outmoded ideas such as Good and Evil. Almost every time He opened His mouth he said something stupid."

Jesus heals a blind man. But what was His true agenda?

Our Indecent reporter was naturally delighted to find a priest prepared to deny almost the entirety of Christian teaching - after all, we wouldn't have interviewed him if he'd been willing to put forward a more traditionally orthodox line - and so we asked Father Ian to explain.

"Look at all this nonsense about forgiving sins," scoffs Father Ian. "Over the centuries the Anglican church has evolved into a position where we don't accept the idea of sin. Thus there are only two possibilities here: either Jesus was a complete idiot who was out of touch with reality - or He was pretending that sin exists, in order to deceive people."

"Take up thy bed and walk." Jesus shows His prejudices against disabled people.

"Remember the racist story of the Good Samaritan? Obviously it was designed to insult the Samaritans, by implying that there was only one good one. And the story is also homophobic - all this stuff about pouring oil and wine on the traveller's wounds is obviously a sneering reference to gay massage parlours."

The Wedding at Cana. More homophobic bigotry.

"How about equality and diversity, Father Ian?"

"Well, as a committed Indecent reader, I see equality and diversity as the fundamental concepts in my faith; but Jesus never uses either word. That strongly suggests that we Anglicans have been encouraged to worship the wrong man."

Don't let Jesus see these girls - He was a known misogynist.

Our reporter then raised the issue of women priests, and gay weddings. Father Ian said "I rolled on the floor laughing hysterically when I first received communion from a woman. I shall similarly roll on the floor laughing the first time I officiate at the wedding of a gay couple, whether the Church sanctions it or not."

Although regarded as a conservative in the modern Anglican church, Father Ian is widely expected to be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Casting out demons. Nowadays you would get an ASBO for that.