The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

We got Leo right. More-or-less.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

We didn't call this one correctly.

UGLY CHURCHES (2nd contest) September 2025

Gold: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA
Silver: Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany
Bronze: Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany
Fourth Place: St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland

CONTROVERSIAL SAINTS October 2025

Gold: Pope Paul VI
Silver: Pope John XXIII
Bronze: Oscar Romero
Fourth Place: Carlo Acutis

CATHOLIC CONVERTS May 2026

Gold: St John Henry Newman
Silver: St Edmund Campion
Bronze: St Edith Stein
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

Eight hymns you don't want to sing

So we have reached the quarter-finals of the 2024 World Cup of Bad Hymns, and here are the remaining atrocities, with some useful descriptions.

Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)

The winner in 2018. Basically a load of semi-heretical nonsense from beginning to end. Most cringeworthy line is perhaps "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back," but the whole attempt to reduce Christ's ministry to a dance is sick-making.

FACT: It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

Shine, Jesus, shine (Graham Kendrick)

Bronze medallist in 2018. This one contributed to my changing churches about 20 years ago. Many irritating lines such as "Shine on me, shine on me" and "Flow, river, flow". Sorry, I am still traumatized.

Let us build a house where love can dwell (All are welcome) (Marty Haugen)

One of the two works by Mr Haugen to reach the last eight. Not well known in the UK, as far as I can tell, but in the USA he deserves a restraining order to stop him writing anything more. This one goes on far too long without more than one idea in the whole piece.

Kumbayah (anon)

Fourth place in 2018. Let's face it, if you had written such tosh you would want to be anonymous too. "Someone's giggling Lord, Kumbayah". All right, I made that bit up.

You just know they're dying to sing "Kumbayah".

On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas)

Again, not known to me by experience. Wikipedia says that Joe Biden likes it, which suggests that it's more likely to be about ice-cream than God. As far as I can tell, it consists of some chunks of Psalm 91 set to a banal tune.

Here in this place new light is streaming (Gather us in) (Marty Haugen)

Haugen's second entry in the last eight, silver medallist in 2018. The cumulative effect of lines such as "We are the young, our lives are a mystery" (apparently there to provide a rhyme with "history" two lines later) must be enough to cause temporary insanity.

Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty) (Daniel Schutte)

If I'd had to choose one of the three pieces of Schutte in this contest, I'd have gone for "I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord)", but this one is atrocious too. Can people sing words like "O come and eat without money; come to drink without price" without giggling?

Mary, did you know? (Mark Lowry)

On Twitter/X I see more tweets from people who hate this patronizing hymn than about any other song apart from the Satanists' anthem "Imagine". Yes, she did know, you great gibbon.

Some spiritual nourishment (there's not been any so far in this post).

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THE RESULTS AS THEY COME IN:

QUARTER-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 72.1 v Shine, Jesus, shine 27.9

All are welcome 62.3 v Kumbayah 37.7

On eagle's wings 41.6 v Gather us in 58.4

Table of plenty 28.7 v Mary, did you know? 71.3

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SEMI-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 44.3 v Gather us in 55.7

All are welcome 41.2 v Mary, did you know? 58.8

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

Lord of the Dance 45.5 v All are welcome 54.5

BRONZE MEDAL for "All are Welcome".

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FINAL

Gather us in 47.2 v Mary, did you know? 52.8

GOLD for "Mary, did you know?" and SILVER for "Gather us in."

The second World Cup of Bad Hymns

As a distraction from all the other problems in the world, we'll have another world cup. I had planned a sumptuous opening ceremony, with Pachamama idols and Rupnik artwork, but, after complaints about bad taste from the Olympic Committee I decided to scrap it.

Anyway, as promised, the second world cup of bad hymns will begin soon. The first one, held in 2018, ended as follows:

Gold: Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)
Silver: Gather us in (Marty Haugen)
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick)
Fourth Place: Kumbayah (anon)

The previous winners.

As before, this one will organised by a sequence of Twitter polls, one per day, on a knock-out basis, with as many rounds as needed.

Badness may be defined any way you wish, either by stupid lyrics, bad theology (since people of all Christian denominations - or none - may take part, we won't get agreement here), or even by an appalling tune.

I started with 44 nominations (everything that reached Round 2 last time, plus a few others that I particularly dislike). Nominations will close when we reach 64, or people stop sending them in - either by replying to this post or by replying to the Twitter announcement.

Anything that makes you shudder...

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Here are the ones we have so far (I am adding new ones as they arrive):

Abba, Abba Father, You are the Potter, we are the clay,  Carey Landry
Alleluia Ch-Ch,  Paul Inwood
As a fire is meant for burning,  Ruth Duck
As the deer pants,  Martin Nystrom
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled,  Estelle White
Bind us together, Lord,  Bob Gillman
Caterpillar, caterpillar,  Susan Sayers
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top,  Estelle White
Christ be our light,  Bernadette Farrell
Colours of day,  Sue McClellan
Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty),  Daniel Schutte
Eat this bread,  Jacques Berthier
Enemy of apathy (she sits like a bird),  John L. Bell and Graham Maule
Father, in my life I see,  Frank Andersen
Follow me,  Michael Cocket
For everyone born, a place at the table,  Shirley Murray
Gather us in,  Marty Haugen
Gift of finest wheat,  John Michael Talbot
Gloria (clap clap),  Martin Anderson
Glory to God (Peruvian Gloria),  Anon
Go, the Mass is ended,  Sister Marie Lydia Pereira
God of concrete,  Frederick R.C. Clarke
God of mercy and compassion,  Edmund Vaughan
God's Spirit is in my heart,  Alan Dale
I am the Bread of Life,  Suzanne Toolan
I am the Living Bread,  Ifeanyichukwu Eze
I am the Word that spoke (take and eat),  Michael Joncas
I just wanna be a sheep,  Brian Howard
I saw the grass, I saw the trees,  Estelle White
I watch the sunrise,  John Glynn
I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord),  Daniel Schutte
If I were a butterfly,  Brian Howard
In bread we bring you, Lord,  Daniel O'Donnell
In Christ alone my hope is found, Stuart Townend and Keith Getty 
In my wrestling and in my doubts (my Lighthouse),  Llewellyn / Gilkeson
Jesus Christ the apple tree,  R.H.
Kumbayah,  Anon
Let there be peace on Earth,  Vince Gill
Let us build a house where love can dwell (all are welcome),  Marty Haugen
Let us build the city of God,  Daniel Schutte
Lord of the Dance,  Sydney Carter
Lord, you have come to the lakeshore/lakeside,  Cesáreo Gabaráin
Mary, did you know?  Mark Lowry
Moses, I know you're the man,  Estelle White
No longer strangers to each other (companions on the journey),  Carey Landry 
Now we remain,  David Haas
On eagle's wings,  Michael Joncas
One bread, one body,  John Foley
Our God reigns,  Leonard E. Smith
Shine, Jesus, shine,  Graham Kendrick
Sing a New Church,  Delores Dufner
Springs of water, bless the Lord,  Marty Haugen
The Lord told Noah (so rise and shine),  Trad.
The world is full of smelly feet,  Michael Forster
They'll know we are Christians by our love,  Peter Scholtes
This little light of mine,  Harry Dixon Loes
Touch the earth lightly,  Shirley Murray
Walk in the Light,  Damian Lundy
We are the salt of the earth (go make a difference),  Steve Angrisano, 
   Tom Tomaszek
We rise again from ashes,  Tom Conry
Who is the alien,  Mary Louise Bringle
Will you let me be your servant,  Richard Gillard
You are mine,  David Haas
You call me out upon the waters (oceans),  Joel Houston et al

"The next hymn is ... so put your hand up if you want to leave."

Addendum: We'll stick to English language hymns (and Christian ones) to avoid strange songs from people worshipping Klingon gods.

Addendum-dum: We now have 64 entries, and that's the lot.

A guest post from ChatGPT

There's not much point in our blogging any more, is there? From what follows, it seems that artificial intelligence has won. We got ChatGPT to tell us about Uncle Arthur....

"I'm soooo... sad to hear about the unhappiness of the TLM worshippers."

Could you write a piece in the style of ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com praising Cardinal Roche in a sarcastic way?

Certainly, here is my attempt:

Oh, how lucky we are to have Cardinal Roche in our midst! His presence brings a ray of sunshine to our cloudy and dreary world. His impeccable taste and style are second to none. It's no wonder that he has been dubbed the "Prada Cardinal" by those in the know.

His liturgical expertise is truly awe-inspiring. Who else could come up with such brilliant ideas as the "Table Mass," where the priest faces the people and the altar is replaced with a simple table? It's so much more intimate and modern than the old-fashioned way of doing things.

And let's not forget his groundbreaking work in the area of translations. He's made it his mission to make sure that the language of the liturgy is accessible to everyone, even if it means sacrificing accuracy and theological clarity. Who needs those things anyway when you have inclusive language and catchy slogans?

Some might criticize Cardinal Roche for his apparent disregard for tradition and his willingness to pander to the whims of the modern world. But we know better. We understand that he is simply ahead of his time, a visionary who is pushing the Church into the 21st century whether we like it or not.

So let us raise a glass to Cardinal Roche, the Prada-wearing, table-loving, slogan-spouting liturgical genius. May his influence continue to shape the Church for generations to come!

Soon it will be able to post photos as well.

I guess that ChatGPT has already been contributing to Where Pacha Is...

---

Still human intervention can add something. I asked ChatGPT to mention cake as well...

Of course, Cardinal Roche's love of cake is also well known. Some might question the wisdom of indulging in such sweet treats, but we know that he does it for the sake of the Church. After all, what better way to build community than by sharing a slice of cake with your fellow parishioners?

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I promise I'll stop soon, but...

Please write me a short hymn containing the lines "Oh, we are saved" and "Everyone is good".

Oh, we are saved, by grace divine,
Redeemed from darkness, we now shine,
Our hearts ablaze with love and light,
Guided by faith, through darkest night.

Everyone is good, in God's pure sight,
Beneath the surface, we're all alike,
No one is perfect, but all can be,
Saved by His grace, forever free.

So let us sing with voices strong,
Praising His name, all day long,
For we are saved, and everyone is good,
By His mercy, we've been understood.

"I'll have to look to my laurels!" says Marty Haugen.

How to be a Catholic blogger

Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).

Polly the nun, first seen here in 2011.

1. Make money out of it. There is nothing a reader likes more when he clicks on a blog than being asked the following:

i. Do you accept cookies?
ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted?
iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App?
iv. Can we come round to your house for tea?
v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)?
vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee?
vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!

As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest.

2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle.

3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right?

4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.

An old joke.

5. Don't use your real name when posting. Mundabor had that advice too. You use your own name to post something totally innocuous such as "2+2=4" or "Men have XY chromosomes" and the public will beat a path to your door, up the stairs, and into your bedroom, where you're peacefully lying in bed thinking of new insults for Cardinal Becciu. Luckily nobody knows that I am actually an eminent cardinal from Guinea!

6. If you can't think of anything to write, run a poll. Thanks to me the world now knows that the worst hymn ever written is "Lord of the Dance", that the worst Cardinal is Cupich (until the next poll, which is not far away), and the ugliest church is St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan. So you know what to avoid.

"We're please to welcome Cardinal Cupich today. And now, Hymn number 666, 'Lord of the Dance'."

7. Post when you feel like it. Professional Catholics have to produce posts, scoops, Youtube stuff, podcasts, interpretative dance videos, etc. etc. on a regular basis. Darn it, even bishops feel they have to produce pastoral letters when all they can think to talk about is carbon footprints and "build back better". Can't they just say "You're all DOOOMED!" and leave it at that?

So, only post when you have something brilliantly incisive and witty to say. Like I do.

Eccles (Nobel Prize for humility).

Mary, did you know?

Mary, did you know that your baby boy
Would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy
Would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy
Has come to make you new?

Yes, she did. Now stop singing that rubbish song.

How to have a good Mass in Time of Plague

Whether or not he is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Plague, in the form of the Coronavirus, is making a severe nuisance of Himself, and it is important to know how we should take precautions against him when attending Mass.

"When's Climate Change turning up?"

Celebrate ad orientem. Celebrating versus populum obviously increases the risk that the priest may catch something from the coughing congregation, and should be suspended.

Use only Latin. Try saying something liturgical in Latin, and then try saying the same thing in Vernacular. You will see that when speaking Latin your mouth does not open so widely, and thus the risk of transmitting and receiving germs is reduced. Those traditionalists knew a thing or two!

99% of doctors say NO to holding hands for the "Our Father".

Avoid bad hymns. Scientific studies have shown that singing "Gather us in," "Lord of the Dance," "Kumbayah," or "Shine, Jesus, Shine" puts a strain on the vocal muscles, as well as the brain, and makes one more susceptible to viruses. Safest of all is Gregorian chant, which can mostly be sung with the mouth closed.

No more sign of peace. I was lucky this morning, in that the choir belted into the Agnus Dei very quickly, and only two people had a chance to share their germs with me (three more were left fuming, as I switched off my friendly expression and tried looking pious instead). In general, a simple handshake can transmit 100000000000000000000000 bugs, so be warned. Grinning distantly is safest, but kicking your opponent neighbour will also work if he insists on physical contact.

"Peace be with you."

Wear earmuffs. This will protect you against bad doctrine in the homily far better than handwash and a face mask would.

Remove all pests from the church. Traditionally, illnesses have been transmitted by pests. So clear your church of all rats, spiders, Jesuits, and anything else that may carry disease.

Ban dancing. Bad news for Tagle, the Dancing Cardinal, but it's obvious that prancing around like a teenager in a disco is going to spread germs widely. So stop!

Spot the ninny. (Hint: they are all ninnies.)

Stay at home and watch it on television. Yes but, as I have explained before, this will only allow you to watch Heaven on television, rather than attend in person. So don't do it for very long.

Giving advice to St John Henry Newman

A revised version of an old post, to celebrate the canonization of JHN.

As a change from "Bad hymns," we like to invite in some older hymn-writers, to tell them where they went wrong. Today we welcome St John Henry Newman, author of hymns such as Lead, kindly Light, and Praise to the Holiest in the height, which are hardly ever sung in really hip churches these days. Now, why is that?

St John Henry Newman - where did he go wrong?

E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Canonization - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?

JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?

E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:

Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead on, as I'm far from home!

Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.

JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:

Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
One step's the right thing for me!

E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!

JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.

Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.

E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
And in the depth be praise;
In all His words most wonderful,
Most sure in all His ways.

E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.

JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue,
Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend,
For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you,
So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. 

Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, 
praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...

E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?

JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.

E: Oh, by the way this "Cor ad cor loquitur" motto is a bit rigid. How about "Cor, strike a kindly light"?

Pope Francis explains the miracles of Jesus

As all modern Catholics know, there is an easy explanation for the "miracle" of the feeding of the 5,000; namely, that it was all a matter of the happy picknickers sharing what they already had. This theory has now been endorsed by no less than Pope Francis himself.

Explaining away miracles is a good way to make Catholicism popular among atheists, as these guys have always had problems with believing in God, the supernatural etc., and these ideas are not, strictly speaking, needed in modern Catholicism.

Pope Francis went on to explain some of the other alleged miracles of Jesus:

The miracle at Cana (John 2). Yes, indeed the host's wine ran out. But the guests at the wedding knew that the host was an old stingy-chops, and smuggled in their own bottles and hip flasks, which (as it is recorded in the gospels) contained much better stuff, anyway.

"That reminds me, I do have a few bottles with me."

The paralysed man (Mark 2). This was the chap who was let down from the roof of someone's house, and was told, "Take up your bed and walk." It's clear what happened here: old Habakkuk was the laziest man in Capernaum, and had taken to his bed, rather than do an honest day's work. Jesus knew this, and told him to get up.

The man possessed by demons (Luke 8). This is greatly exaggerated, of course. The man was actually singing a selection of hymns such as "Gather us in", "Walk in the Light", and "Kumbayah". This upset a herd of pigs with great musical taste, and they all rushed into the sea to escape. Seeing this, the man instantly sobered up and went on to compose "Lord of the Dance". No, that can't be exactly right. But something like that happened.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of a man possessed by demons.

The raising of Lazarus (John 11-12). Of course, raising people from the dead is impossible. No doubt, Lazarus wasn't really dead, but was pretending to be dead for tax reasons. You try sitting around in a tomb for a few days, and people will naturally come to the conclusion that you have passed on, especially if you hang a sign saying "R.I.P." on the door.

Walking on the water and stilling the storm (Matthew 8 and 14). This is greatly exaggerated, and no doubt Jesus had found a underwater causeway: alternatively, He had been practising some sort of circus act. As for stilling the storm, well the trick is to say "Be still" just as the weather is getting better. Any competent meteorologist can do it.

St Peter decides to try going by car.

Answering questions (Matthew 22). No, we don't have an explanation for this one. Pope Francis has been unable to answer five simple Dubia ("it would be a miracle if he could"), so it is a complete mystery how Jesus managed to tackle some distinctly thorny questions from the Pharisees and Sadducees. It's simply amazing.

Time to run screaming from the church

We've reached the knockout stage of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Once again, some prize specimens have been eliminated, such as: I, the Lord of sea and sky (Here I am, Lord), The world is full of smelly feet, Sing a new church, They'll know we are Christian, and Christ be our light. But look at what's left...

The knockout stage goes as follows:

Quarter-finals, beginning November 5th:

A: Group 1 winner v Group 2 runner-up:
Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick) v Come to the table of plenty (Daniel Schutte).
Result: 54-46.

B: Group 2 winner v Group 1 runner-up:
One bread, one body (John Foley) v Gather us in (Marty Haugen).
Result: 35-65.

C: Group 3 winner v Group 4 runner-up:
Lord of the dance (Sydney Carter) v Gloria, clap, clap (Martin Anderson).
Result: 57-43.

D: Group 4 winner v Group 3 runner-up:
On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas) v Kumbayah (anon).
Result: 45-55.

Semi-finals, beginning November 13th:

1. Winner of A v Winner of C.
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Lord of the dance
Result: 38-62.

2. Winner of B v Winner of D.
Gather us in v Kumbayah
Result: 54-46.

Third place playoff, November 19th:
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Kumbayah
Result: 51-49.

Final on November 22nd, St Cecilia's Day.
Lord of the Dance v Gather us in
Result: 56-44.

Congratulations to Sydney Carter, and if you want a good laugh, read THIS.

You want to sing WHAT???

May I beg all supporters to behave themselves and refrain from violence. We don't want scenes such as we saw in the 1898 World Cup of bad hymns, when fans of Ira D. Sankey's Sacred songs and solos went crazy and started singing:

Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is sinking today.

History relates that supporters of Knowles Shaw retaliated with:

'Tis the hand of God on the wall,  
'Tis the hand of God on the wall;  
Shall the record be, "Found wanting," or shall it be, "Found trusting!"
While that hand is writing on the wall?  

There were fifty arrests and two hundred casualties (mostly people driven permanently insane). No, we don't want any more of that, thank you.

Someone's fighting, Lord, Kumbayah.

Update: We have had requests for a "People's Vote" re-run, amidst allegations of Russian interference and illegal campaigning. Sorry, the results will stand.

I wants to make your flesh creep

Sixteen wonderfully appalling works remain for Round 3 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Some surprises to me, at least, in that we have lost God's Spirit is in my heart, Bind us together, Lord, Walk in the Light, and Go, The Mass is ended, but this just shows the quality of the works remaining. Here is the grouping - the top two in each of the four groups will reach the last eight - the quarter final knock-out stage!

Title	Author	Round 3
Kumbayah	anon	3
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	4
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1
Come to the Table of Plenty	Daniel Schutte	2
Sing a New Church	Delores Dufner	3
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	1
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	2
One bread, one body	John Foley	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	1
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	2
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	3
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love	Peter Scholtes	4
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	3
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	1

Need I say more?

Get ready to Schutte for goal!

Round 3 begins on Monday 29th October.

Your 32 worst hymns

On to Round 2 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns, beginning on Tuesday 16th October. Now 32 examples of the poets' art remain, out of 64 originally, and there are eight groups of four from each of which two go through to the final 16.

Congratulations to Dan Schutte on getting three wonderfully appalling hymns through to the second round; Brian Howard, Estelle White and Marty Haugen are also going well.

All join in the singing, please.

Although officially neutral, I was disappointed that we lost "I watch the sunrise", "Colours of Day", "Enemy of apathy", "Our God reigns" and above all "Follow me" (the two shirts song), since this probably means that Fr Arfur will feel that it's OK to carry on using them at the church of St Daryl the Apostate. Oh well...

Title	Author	Rd 1	Rd 2
God's Spirit is in my heart	Alan Dale	2	1
Kumbayah	anon	10	6
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	13	8
Bind us together, Lord	Bob Gillman	15	7
If I were a butterfly	Brian Howard	5	3
I just wanna be a sheep	Brian Howard	14	8
Walk in the Light	Damian Lundy	3	1
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1	1
Let us build the city of God	Daniel Schutte	7	3
Come to the table of plenty	Daniel Schutte	16	7
Sing a new Church	Delores Dufner	6	4
Moses, I know you're the man	Estelle White	14	7
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top	Estelle White	16	8
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	10	5
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	4	1
I am the Living Bread	Ifeanyichukwu Eze	7	4
Eat this bread	Jacques Berthier	11	5
One bread, one body	John Foley	12	5
Gift of finest wheat	John Michael Talbot	1	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	12	6
As the deer pants	Martin Nystrom	11	6
Let us build a house where love can dwell / All are welcome	Marty Haugen	5	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	6	3
Who is the alien	Mary Louise Bringle	9	5
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	8	3
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4	2
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	15	8
They'll know we are Christians by our love	Peter Scholtes	8	4
Jesus Christ the apple tree	R.H.	9	6
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	2	2
Go, the Mass is ended	Sister Marie Lydia Pereira	3	2
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	13	7

Get voting!

The Spreadsheet from Hell

The World Cup of Bad Hymns has started, and here are the groupings for the first round. Apologies if your favourite bad hymn isn't there: one or two couldn't be found on the Internet, and one or two came in too late.

Hymn	Author	Group
God's Spirit is in my heart	Alan Dale	2
This little guiding light of mine	anon	1
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?	anon	12
Kumbayah	anon	10
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	13
Bind us together, Lord	Bob Gillman	15
If I were a butterfly	Brian Howard	5
I Just Wanna Be A Sheep	Brian M. Howard	14
The love I have for You, my Lord	Carey Landry	16
Forever	Chris Tomlin	4
Walk in the Light	Damian Lundy	3
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1
City of God	Daniel Schutte	7
Come to the Table of Plenty	Daniel Schutte	16
Jesus take me as I am	Dave Bryant	11
Now we remain	David Haas	2
You are Mine	David Haas	6
Sing a New Church	Delores Dufner	6
I saw the grass, I saw the trees	Estelle White	8
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled	Estelle White	15
Moses, I know you're the man	Estelle White	14
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top	Estelle White	16
Deep within my heart, I feel voices whispering to me	Frank Andersen	7
God of concrete	Frederick R.C. Clarke	9
O mother, I could weep for mirth	Frederick W. Faber	5
Shine, Jesus, Shine	Graham Kendrick	10
Lay Down Your Head, Lord Jesus Christ	Graham Maule	2
Journeys ended, journeys begun	Gregory Norbet	14
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	4
The Baker Woman	Hubert J. Richards	8
I am the Living Bread	Ifeanyichukwu Eze	7
Eat this bread	Jacques Berthier	11
I love you with the love of the Lord	Jim Gilbert	16
This is My Body, Broken for you	Jimmy Owens	4
One bread, one body	John Foley	12
I watch the sunrise	John Glynn	13
There are hundreds of sparrows	John Gowans	13
Jesus Christ is waiting	John L. Bell	3
Enemy of apathy	John L. Bell and Graham Maule	14
Gift of finest wheat	John Michael Talbot	1
Come back to me with all your heart	John Michael Talbot	12
Amazing Grace	John Newton	10
I love to tell the story	Katherine Hankey	11
Precious Body, Precious Blood	Laurence Rosania	9
Our God reigns	Leonard E. Smith	3
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	12
As the deer pants	Martin Nystrom	11
Let us build a house where love can dwell	Marty Haugen	5
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	6
Springs of water, bless the Lord	Marty Haugen	15
Who is the alien	Mary Louise Bringle	9
Follow me	Michael Cocket	10
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	8
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	15
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love	Peter Scholtes	8
Jesus Christ the apple tree	R.H.	9
Here we are, all together, as we sing our song, joyfully	Ray Repp	7
Make me a channel of your peace	Sebastian Temple	6
Go, the Mass is ended	Sister Marie Lydia Pereira	3
Colours of day	Sue McClellan	1
Caterpillar, caterpillar	Susan Sayers	5
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	13
Lord of the Dance	Sydney Carter	2

I have had a sheltered life, and only know about half of these masterpieces.

Addendum: It turns out that "Let us build a house" and "All are welcome" are the same hymn, so I have deleted the latter, and replaced it with "Were you there when they crucified my Lord?"

Enough said.

The World Cup of Bad Hymns - nominations requested

As a distraction from all the other problems in the world, we have something a little different.

On Monday 24th September the 2018 World Cup of Bad Hymns will begin. This will be organised by a sequence of Twitter polls, one per day, on a knock-out basis, with as many rounds as are needed.

Badness may be defined any way you wish, either by stupid lyrics, bad theology (since people of all Christian denominations may take part, we won't get agreement here), or even by an appalling tune. Nominations for the competition close on September 23rd.

These are the entrants so far. You may nominate more bad hymns, either by commenting on this blog, or by replying to the tweet that announces the World Cup.

Anything that makes you shudder...

---

Alleluia Ch-Ch (Paul Inwood)

Autumn days when the grass is jewelled (Estelle White)

Bind us together, Lord (Bob Gillman)

Christ be our light (Bernadette Farrell)

Colours of day (Sue McClellan)

Deep within my heart, I feel voices whispering to me (Fr Frank Andersen) 

Enemy of apathy (John L. Bell and Graham Maule)

Follow me (Michael Cocket)

Go, the Mass is ended (Sister Marie Lydia Pereira)

God's Spirit is in my heart (Alan Dale)

I saw the grass, I saw the trees (Estelle White)

I, the Lord of sea and sky (Daniel Schutte)  

I watch the sunrise (Glynn)

If I were a butterfly (Brian Howard)

Jesus Christ the apple tree (R.H.) 

Journeys ended, journeys begun (Gregory Norbet)

Kumbayah (anon)

Lord of the Dance (Sidney Carter)

Moses, I know you're the man (Estelle White)
   
On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas)  

Our God reigns (Leonard E. Smith)  

Shine, Jesus, Shine (Kendrick)

Walk in the Light (Damian Lundy)

"The next hymn is ... so put your hand up if you want to leave."

Addendum: We'd better stick to English language hymns (and Christian ones) to avoid strange songs from people worshipping Klingon gods.