When Francis met George

We are lucky to have overheard some of the conversation between Cardinal Pell and Pope Francis on the occasion of the big man's recent visit to the Vatican.

Francis: How nice to see you, George. I've been going through some hard times recently: you really can't imagine how bad things have been.

"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, George."

Pell: I'm so sorry, Holy Father. They say you've suffered a lot lately.

Francis: Yes, I was locked down in the Vatican for several months, and forbidden to take any flights abroad. My Pachamama dolls were confiscated and thrown in the river. Even Austen Ivereigh was forbidden to visit.

Pell: Ah well, every cloud has a silver lining. Still, it must be hard to bear isolation for a long period of time.

Francis: What's worse, people have been making up so many lies about me! You can't imagine what it's like having people hurling insults at you on a daily basis!

Pell: Still, it must have been a comfort to know that people were praying for you to leave the Vatican.

Francis: Maybe, but what can one do when hack journalists are writing books with titles like "The Rise and Fall of Pope Francis" and "Fallen: the inside story of the trial and conviction of Pope Francis"? I don't even have any convictions!

Just take the money and run, Louise.

Pell: So I've heard. Yes, it must be tough. Still prayer can be a great comfort.

Francis: Prayer? I never thought of that. I spent the whole time writing my memoirs. And it does look as though I am going to have a new best-seller on my hands. I've called it Fratelli Tutti.

Pell: Great, pulp fiction always sells well! Now, about your bank account...

The Great Escape

The thrilling story of how Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI escaped from prison in Regensburg and made his way back to Rome.

We all thought that he was taking a trip to see his sick brother, but the true story was apparently far more sinister.

Bruvver Bungalow sets the scene for us.

Trouble for Benedict...

Next, Marshall Taylor sees a photo of Benedict and asks a friend of his, a qualified boxer, to give a diagnosis of the old man's health. Popeye Brutus, from his great experience of 93-year-old boxers, decides that Benedict has been punched on the hooter.

Could there be another explanation why Benedict looks about 90?

We knew that Francis was angry with Benedict - mostly jealousy because Benedict had read some books without pictures in, won the 2019 award for "best behaved Pope", and knew the entire catechism of the Catholic Church off by heart in six languages. Now was Francis's chance to remove him from the game.

Things were looking black for our hero, imprisoned in Stalag-Kasper-Marx 3, the notorious prisoner of war camp, where the most dangerous enemies of the Pope often end up. Surely that's Henry Sire making a glider? And Matthew Festing seems to be revving up a motorbike...

Four rigid Catholics help Benedict to escape.

The escape committee consisted of Viganò, Burke, and Schneider, together with the two Ratzinger brothers and their faithful sergeant, Georg Gänswein. The plan was simple: Georg would vault over a wooden horse, while Viganò, Burke, and Schneider sat underneath digging a tunnel. The Ratzinger brothers distracted the guards.

After that, Benedict escaped to Rome, using a forged passport in the name of Von Ekkles, disguising himself as a vacuum-cleaner salesman from Ulm.

"Having a lovely time. Glad you're not here. A card sent to the Vatican.

Soon to be another major film starring Anthony Hopkins as Benedict, Jonathan Pryce as Francis, and Brad Pitt as Archbishop Gänswein.

Reading Francis through Rex Mottram

In Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited the character Rex Mottram gives us a useful way to interpret Pope Francis.

'Supposing the Pope looked up and saw a cloud and said "It's going to rain," would that be bound to happen?'

'Oh, yes, Father.'

'But supposing it didn't?'

He thought a moment and said, 'I suppose it would be sort of raining spiritually, only we were too sinful to see it.'

A simple exercise: can you see Francis sitting in this chair, or are you too sinful?

The above picture is a useful test: early in his reign, Pope Francis was reported to have stayed away from a Beethoven concert in his honour. Of course, that would have been simple rudeness: the fact is that he was there, but only very spiritual (saved) people could see him. The rest of you are simple sedevacantists.

We should take the words "Tu es Petrus" literally. Pope Francis is Peter. Send him off to sea in a boat (something that many Catholics have felt like doing recently), and he will come back with a catch of fish. Although you may be too sinful to see them, or even smell them.

"Look at the size of this fish!"

Likewise, when the four cardinals submitted five dubia to Pope Francis, checking that he wasn't attempting to "develop" Catholic teaching on marriage, the Holy Father responded by return of post, affirming that the answers were "No, yes, yes, yes, yes" (a cry often heard in Jesuit seminaries on a Saturday night). However Cardinal Burke and his colleagues were too sinful to realise this.

Pope Francis presents an ecstatic Cardinal Burke with a copy of Amoris Laetitia.

Which suggests that Bishops Scicluna and Grech, in thinking that doctrine had been changed developed, were grave sinners. But we knew that anyway.

This brings us to the latest crisis involving the Order of Malta. It has been claimed that Pope Francis has - like his compatriot General Galtieri - annexed another sovereign state and installed his own puppet government. After all, the order of Malta is/was an independent subject in international law, like the Vatican.

"Thanks for the advice, Vladimir!"

Of course Peter wouldn't do such a thing, and it is your sin that gives you this impression. There is no way you will see the Pope behind bars. Forget it.

Just visiting!

Deelin wiv herretics

My darlin bruvver Bosco is gettin very interestted in histry now, since he discovered dat de Roman Cathlic church used to git cross wiv herretics, dey used to knock on de door in de middle of de nihgt and shout "You aint saved, herretic. De Pope says Ha Ha Ha." Den dey used to stretch em on de rack while toastin em over de fire, hence de expresion "toast rack".

Nowadays dey just welcoms dem in and says "I dont spose you is interrested in bein saved, if it aint too presumptouos of me to mentoin it? Have a cup of tea while you is finkin it over." Dis aint a patch on what we does in de Calvados Chappel - we gits reely fierce wiv de unsaved and Bosco bites em in de leg. Dis aint oficcial pollicy, he just enjoys it, and its a useful suorce of protene for him.

Meanwhile we is gonna go and see our belovved Mom soon, to tell her how we is gittin on wiv de path to Salivation. We calls her Mummy sometimes, and here is a photo of her wavin to Bosco from her prisson cell, dey've let her out now.