Jesus never got a Nobel prize

Distinguished theologian Richard Dawkins went on the attack again today, pointing out that, since Jesus never got a Nobel prize, there could be no truth in Christianity.

Alfred Nobel - an atheist. So that proves it.

"He is called the Prince of Peace," explained Dawkins, "but who do we see in the list of Nobel peace prize winners? Henry Kissinger. Jimmy Carter. Al Gore. Barack Obama. The European Union... But no sign of Jesus or of any Christian churches. The nearest we get is Desmond Tutu, who recently chose to go to Hell. Not that Hell exists of course."

"Then again, Christ was said to be able to heal the sick. But did He ever get a Nobel prize for it? No! That proves the Bible is wrong from beginning to end," continued Dawkins.

Sir John Eccles, Nobel prize for medicine/physiology (1963).

Christian leaders were quick to respond, pointing out that nobody called Dawkins had ever won a Nobel prize, and statistically one would have expected more people called Richard to have collected the prestigious gong. But Dawkins had one final shot in his locker.

"It's true that many Nobel prizes have gone to the College of the Most Holy and Undivided Trinity in the Town and University of Cambridge," he said, "but I expect that this year's prizes will mostly go to an even more prestigious institution, the New College of the Humanities, set up by Anthony Grayling, at which I lecture on memes, genes, gnomes and moans."

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"The Mass is ended. Now f*** off."

Meanwhile, the "Rev." Alice Goodman, a lady vicar who drives around in a car with the obscene slogan "wtfwjd" on the back - note that the Lord's Name doesn't even get a capital letter - was unrepentant when someone finally complained. "My ****** knows I have the ******* on my ***, and has no difficulty with it, and I have had the former ********** of Canterbury in my car, Rowan Williams, and he didn't ***** an eyebrow," she explained. "Now **** off, in the Name of the Lord, my son."

Lord Williams of Oystermouth, who met Lady Goodman of Pottymouth.

May a priest use the word "r*mshaw"?

The whole internet was up in arms today after Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, referred to a fellow Anglican priest as a "r*mshaw" on Twitter.

A man engaged in r*mshawism.

The word r*mshaw is believed to be Anglo-Saxon in origin - like most of the best obscenities - and refers to certain practices which cannot be mentioned on a blog such as this one. Archbishop Welby was today said to be regretting that he had lost his temper and used such a word in public. Apparently, he was deeply provoked by some nonentity of a junior priest who had taken it upon himself to go against orthodox Christian teaching on marriage.

Justin Welby usually has the angels on his side.

The word "r*mshaw" is often heard on football terraces, in pubs, Bilderberg group meetings, and in other places where people are not constrained by good manners, but it is believed to be the first time that it has been uttered in public by an archbishop. The only precedent that springs to mind is when Rowan Williams lost his temper and called someone a G*les Fr*ser.

R*mshaw Rocks, a name which always cause schoolboys to snigger.

In the Catholic Church, such bad language is rarer, although Pope Francis himself is alleged to have said "Madre de Dios, este hombre es un Cormacmurphyoconnor" - a Spanish expression that we cannot translate.