This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. So the children of Bri-tain continued to be locked down, and unable to worship the Lord.

2. Although there were some priests who disguised themselves as merchants, such as Monsignor Tesco, the Bishop of Asda, Father Sainsbury, and Cardinal Waitrose.

3. These holy men sold foodstuffs to the people, and, when nobody was looking, they provided spiritual nourishment behind the shelves of beans.

4. But many people continued to worship by watching the stream that is called live.

5. Although some decided to wait for the set that is boxed, or the disc that is called video, that they might also be able to see the bloopers and outtakes as well.

6. And many priests who used the stream that is live deliberately misspoke, or tripped over, or dropped the sacred artifacts, that their bonus disc might be a worthy offering.

Guido Marini

Guido Marini catcheth the falling cross.

7. And the people of Bri-tain were told, "Stay ye away from the doctors, for we must protect the Service of Health."

8. Thus those who suffered from sore boils, and paralysis, and leprosy were cast forth from the hospitals, that there might be room for those suffering from the plague.

9. But those who had other sicknesses claimed that they also had the plague, that they might be healed too.

man in plaster

The doctor healeth a man suffering from the plague.

10. Next, it came to pass that Bosis's handmaiden, Carrie, was with child.

11. For the Lord had spoken unto Bosis, saying "I will multiply thy seed like the stars of Heaven," and the prophets had foretold that he should one day have twelve children, who would found the twelve tribes of Bri-tain.

12. So Bosis called his son "Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas", for he greatly revered a saintly Northumbrian bishop of that name.

13. Now there was a mighty counsellor, called Neil, son of Fergus, who was a great lover of models.

14. And his models told him that everyone would die of the plague unless they stayed locked in their houses, and probably even then.

15. For in the past his models had prophesied unto the world many times, saying that all men should die of fowl pest, or it might be ingrowing toenails, or then again it could be the knee of the housemaid.


The models of Neil prophesy DOOM.

16. So the people listened to the prophecies of Neil, and remained in their houses, hiding under the bed, or in some cases in the deepest dungeons.

17. But then it came to pass that Neil called unto his home another man's wife, and lay with her, although only at a distance of four cubits. For such was the law of the prophets.

18. And the people said, "We have had enough of this man and his models. Let us live dangerously, and open the window."

Continued in Chapter 4.


  1. On a point of accuracy, Eccles, the saintly Northumbrian bishop was not named Wilfred but Wilfrid. I am sure that you would not wish to mislead your readers.

  2. I thought that priest was being stabbed in the back by Marini.

  3. This lock down is so unfair. I am trying to prepare a Canon 603 hermit Rule for submission to my bishop. Since everyone has to stay at home - and not just hermits - my bishop is going to find my Rule entirely pointless.

  4. Let it never be forgot, that other mighty prophecy of Neil, son of Fergus, namely that many hundreds of thousands should perish of the Plague of the Mad Cattle: and lo, so potent was his prayer in the sight of the Lord that a mere fragment of them that were predestined did perish.

  5. Dear Eccles,

    Our beloved Bishops are evidently having second thoughts about closing churches and are regretting having encouraged such. If you visit

    you will find the following:

    "We know that going to church is both a spiritual and social space for people with intellectual disabilities to share their lives and faith. In this time of uncertainty, with our churches closed to the public, things are particularly difficult."

    I feel this has a deeper meaning or meanings? Perhaps your readers should be encouraged to meditate on this whilst in lockdown? It has made my day.