This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 20 June 2020

The Book of Covidicus - Chapter 5 - No BALM in Gilead

Continued from Chapter 4.

1. Now there was dwelling in the land of Bri-tain a man named Dominus Vobis Cummings, who was an adviser to Bo-sis.

2. And the wife of Dominus fell sick of the plague, and knew not what to do.

3. So Dominus took his wife and child, and they rode to the northern land of Durham, where dwelt the parents of Dominus.

4. And later, when they were healed, they went to the mighty castle of Barnard to test whether the eyesight of Dominus was good enough for them to ride home.

5. And to his great joy Dominus could see the castle of Barnard; so he returned home.

If thou canst see a castle, then thou art healed.

6. And many people were exceedingly wrathful, for they said, "Surely, Dominus and his wife should have cast their child into the street, then lain down in their house to die? Is that not the advice that Bo-sis hath given unto us?"

7. And for forty days and forty nights their anger did not abate, for it was nurtured by the dwellers on the Beebee sea, the sky, the fourth channel, and elsewhere.

8. Then even the bishops called on Dominus to repent, but he heeded them not.

9. So for seven days the priests of the Beebee Sea marched round the walls of his dwelling, sounding seven trumpets.

10. And with all the people making a shout, and the trumpets sounding, the voice and the sound thundered in the ears of the multitude, yet the walls did not fall down.


Outside the walls of Dominus.

11. But then came an event in a distant land which made all that heard of it forget the plague and the possible sins of Dominus.

12. For there was a man called Floyd, a notorious bandit, who had been slain while being held for his crimes.

13. He was black but comely, and the Antifites were exceeding wrathful, yeah, even in the land of Bri-tain.

14. For they said, "Was there no balm in Gilead, was there no physician there?" and so they called themselves BALM.

Austen Ivereigh rubbish

The prophet Iver-iah foretelleth a balming campaign.

15. The men of BALM spake out, saying, "Let us destroy the altars, and break the statues, and cut down the groves, and burn the graven things."

16. Thus they waged war on the statues of notorious slave-owners, such as Winston of the Hill of the Church, Venus of Milo, Pachamama, and Ozymandias, king of kings.

Eric Morecambe

Possibly a notorious slave-owner.

17. And the warriors of BALM said, "We may not strike the officers of the guard, since we cannot do this while remaining distant by four cubits."

18. "Accordingly, we shall throw missiles at them, and thus no man can say we broke the law of the land."

19. Thus they continued to wage war on the statues, the monuments, and indeed the people.

Don Giovanni

A statue fighteth back.

Continued in Chapter 6.


  1. Flight into Egypt sprung to mind near the start. Your usual great stuff, needed cheering up. Thanks!

  2. 'An African American spiritual thing'; that Iver-iah seems never to have actually read the Prophet Jeremias. Tsk.

  3. No! Not the beloved Pachamama statue!

  4. Were the trump-ets anything to do with a certain Don-ald? He used to utter prophecies about a Wall, although it was something to do with building it, not knocking it down...

  5. Don Giovanni, a cena teco m'invitasti e son venuto...

    A statue warns DG in modern vulgar Latin to repent or else.

  6. Poe's poem The Raven makes it a household expression even for me, a non-English speaker:(
    "Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!"