Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Sunday, 24 March 2013

New Pope criticised on all sides

Jerusalem, AD 33. Pope Peter, the new occupant of the Chair of St Peter, has been severely criticised both by traditional and liberal commentators following his taking office two weeks ago.

Pope Peter

Pope Peter - a new era for the church?

Since the departure of Jesus, last seen mysteriously disappearing into a cloud, Pope Peter is now the leader of several hundred Catholics worldwide, all of whom are waiting to see in which direction he will take the Church.

Traditionalist bloggers, led by Roar at Galilee, have already criticised Pope Peter on the following grounds:

1. He has abandoned the tradition of walking on water, probably because he is not very good at it.

2. He seems unwilling to celebrate Masses in Latin, preferring a modernist Aramaic service.

3. Following a rather sordid incident involving a cock crowing, Pope Peter has been accused of complicity with the repressive Pontius Pilate junta.

Saint

4. So far Peter has refused to wear the traditional halo.

Roar at Galilee has called for a return to the age of miracles, saying that what Pope Peter needs is a little more Spirit. With Pentecost rapidly approaching, it will be interesting to see whether the new pope can satisfy such critics.

Meanwhile, liberal Catholics are equally disappointed. The Tablistines People's Front (Pepinster, Curti, Beattie, Stourton, ...) has observed with dismay that the new Pope is showing himself distinctly reluctant to embrace abortion, euthanasia, same-sex relationships or women apostles. "I feel let down - I only joined the Catholic church for way-out sex and violence," complained one Tablistine.

Ed Stourton and a baboon

Ed Stourton, who has complained that a baboon keeps peering through his window.

At this stage the general feeling is one of disappointment. It is clear that Peter will not be able to match the record of his illustrious predecessor: nonetheless, some have said that dropping the "King of Kings" role and presenting the Pope as a simple fisherman may be just what is needed to increase the popularity of the Church.

Fish and chips

Simple fish and chips - a dish fit for a modern 1st century Pope.

22 comments:

  1. "Simple fish" and chips?

    Is that reference semi autobiographical Eccles?

    Part eejit, part halibut?

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    1. I think that would be the late lamented Captain Alfred J Haddock, who would occasionally turn up at Damain's luvvly hair salon, and admonish Anti Moly in biblical terms, for posting under the influence of perm solution. Unfortunately he was banned from the premises a few months back when he accidentally stumbled into Damain's wig room and superglued Mr Voris to to a formica table.

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  2. I am very hopeful that this Pope will make it his business to sort out the mess left by the sudden resignation of Judas O'Scariot, and appoint someone with financial expertise such as Simon Magus to bare the apostolic bag and get the Church's finances back onto a sound footing.

    I am very excited that he has already pencilled in a World Youth day at Glastonbury, at the suggestion of Joseph of Arimathea, but was sad to see that he has refused an invitation from the Emperor Tiberias to attend an ecumenical gathering organised by "Populatio Vigila" at the Coliseum to watch the traditionalist bloggers being encouraged to swim with dolphins (or run with lions...or at any rate something very ecological).

    So - it's early days yet, but I will be watching closely to see if the apostles will drag the church kicking and screaming into the 1st century by voting in popular female disciple Tina Beata to fill the vacancy left by Judas. If not, I shall throw all my toys out of the pram and sign up to join the Essenes instead.

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    Replies
    1. meet the new Boss
      same as the old Boss

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    2. Wrong! If you are going to re-brand yourself as a born again Catholic, Bosco, you will have to do better than that.

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  3. I am distressed that the new pope walked past the humble donkey used by his Predecessor and climbed into a horse-drawn papal chariot. Various scribes also commented that he eschewed the dusty old messianic sandals when they were offered to him, saying they were unsuitable for a night out at the Circus Maximus, and he put on red sandals made by a top fashion cobbler called Gammarelli. Things look bad for us liberals.

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    Replies
    1. Probably didn't want to draw attention to himself on the Via Appia.

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    2. Be that as it may. We'll be up there digging catacombs if we don't get our act together and that's a prophecy.

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    3. Extending downwards into the basement is very fashionable among the Romans, just now

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1341709/Roman-Abramovichs-London-home-Inside-150million-palace-Harrods--extends-storeys-underground.html

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  4. Eccles

    Can you shed any light on an allegation by Horatius Verbiosus in the Custos Mancuniam about Pope Peter handing Simon the Zealot over to the Roman Authorities a few years back - probably because, as Simon Bar Jonah, he didn't like the competition?

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  5. Lord Braggalot of Flickmyfringe says Peter woz a misogynist who took the job from Pope Mary Magdalene - thus denying Tina her right to be Pope today - amazin wot you reads in the Torygraff nowadays eccles xx Jess

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  6. Breaking News -- the new Pope has just created an Ordinariate for the "Gentiles" (that's NuChurch terminology for PAGANS), to be headed by none other than traitor-to-our-forefathers Saul of Tarsus -- and no Saul it's no good, you can't hide behind your sockpuppet monicker "Apostle Paul" forever.

    This kind of modernist wrecker deserves to just rot in prison, and I'll write to my uncle about arranging an arrest warrant.

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  7. Coo heck I has got some reely creative readers. Fanks for all de comments.

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  8. Your picture of St Pictogram is surely of when he was trying to portray a teapot during a game of charades?

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  9. People should just give Pope Peter a break.

    With thunderous sons Bertonius and Sodanius to deal with, he has his hands full. Not to mention doubting Thomases such as (“I’m not a crook”) Mahonius, (“What is truth?”) Danielson, (“What? Me worry?”) Shoehorn and (“Where’s the beef?”) Dolander he has enough to be going on with - thank you very much.

    Of course he does have (“I’ve got a little list”) Burkeson to fall back on if the rorating and pluviing continue much longer…

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  10. There were also complaints about Jesus too. I even heard someone complaining, just recently, that he should have done more for others.

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    1. That would be another womyndisciple who is hotly tipped as the new 12th apostle - St Lavinia Ardet.

      A large contingent of her fans are currently touring Phrygia, Pamphylia, Egypt, and the parts of Libya around Cyrene on an ox cart to drum up support.

      Unfortunately, as several are suffering sunstroke from going around without their wimples, they may not make it to the conclave in the upper room.

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    2. "On an ox cart" ? What luxury is this? Not very humble, is it? A proper humble religious would donate the ox cart to the poor of Phrygia and drum up support in the bits of Libya around Cyrene that can be reached on foot... Or wait for the jet turbine helicopter to be invented, as that will be exempt from the humble transport rules.

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    3. Will the humble transport initiative prevent any Deus Ex Machina interventions?

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  11. Wasn't Berlusconi reelected il papa?

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  12. Χριστός ἀνέστη!
    Ἀληθῶς ἀνέστη!
    (Which being translated, signifieth that Eccles can get back to blogging as normal. Alleluia!)

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