Peter Hitchens prepares to confront Damian Thompson.
For those who don't have time to listen to the Spectator podcast, we present a transcript of the debate between the two greatest intellectuals of our day.
DT: Well, I should point out straight away that I'm an expert on addiction, as I've written a best-selling book on the subject. I don't normally plug it, but it's called The Fix.
PH: I've written a best-selling book too. It's called The War We Never Fought: The British Establishment's Surrender to Drugs.
DT: Well, my book's better than your book. My friend Cristina says so.
PH: No, my book's better than your book. You see, I claim that addiction doesn't even exist.
DT: What? How dare you say that! I hate you!
Damian Thompson, modelling the new Michael Voris wig.
PH: Well, I'm sorry, but any addicts you see are purely a figment of your imagination.
DT: Look here, mate. Your brother Christopher may have been a lunatic left-wing atheist, but he was still much cleverer than you.
PH: Well, your sister Emma may be a lunatic left-wing atheist, but she's still much cleverer than you.
Emma Thompson expresses concerns over her brother Damian's latest meltdown.
DT: I'll get you for that. Wait until I write my Saturday column.
PH: Look, calm down, Damian. And please stop throwing cupcakes at me.
DT: I'll ruin you, as I did Johann Hari, David Cameron, and Keith O'Brien. Nobody will take you seriously again.
(Storms out, slams the door, and knocks over two secretaries, a security guard and a passing Monsignor. Returns to Telegraph Towers to launch a barrage of Twitter abuse and hostile blog posts. Phones Telegraph hit man and orders him to pour custard through Peter Hitchens's letter box.)
Preparing to fill Peter Hitchens's house full of custard.
PH: Sigh... it looks as though I'm not going to get that job on Telegraph blogs, after all.