This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 16 September 2014

What did not happen at Blackfen

In view of all the stories flying about, linked with the arrival of "Stormy Steve" Fisher, the new priest at Blackfen, it is the duty of this blog to provide a categorical denial of the more outrageous rumours.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher stripped off his shirt during Mass, and shouted "I can take on any two of you traddies with one arm tied behind my back?" Or is this exaggerated?

Eccles: this story is completely exaggerated. Fr Fisher remained correctly dressed throughout Mass, and he would never have tried to face up to some of the more muscular women who attend Mass at Blackfen.

incredible Hulk

Definitely NOT Fr Steven Fisher.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher used his sermon to denounce the Extraordinary Form Mass, and to say that nobody who participated could ever be saved, in fact only he was saved?

Eccles: it is unlikely that Fr Fisher would go against the Spirit of Vatican II, which we all adore so, by reducing the role of Latin, since its importance was emphasised in the Vatican II document De liberalis comburendis. Moreover, I do not think he has claimed to be more saved than... well, me, for example.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher denied Communion to someone who refused to hold his hand out for it? Did he really use the words "Come on, stick those paws out, you dog!"

Eccles: this story seems to have been exaggerated, as well. Obviously in an EF Mass sticking out your grubby paws is a no-no, and Fr Fisher would be aware of that.

Pope Francis giving communion

"Oh dear, I don't think Fr Fisher's going to like that."

Dear Eccles, is it true that Archbishop Peter Smith burst into the church while Fr Fisher was preaching and shouted, "You're a very naughty boy. Go to your shed!"

Eccles: Archbishop Smith is always very keen on correct liturgical behaviour, and he would naturally be horrified if he thought that one of his priests was anything less than a beacon shining in the wilderness. He has not intervened, so nothing can be wrong.

Dear Eccles, did Fr Fisher greet one of the stalwarts of the congregation with a cry of "You live five miles away! P*** off!"?

no visitors

A welcoming church.

Eccles: No, Fr Fisher realises that even people who live as far away as Chislehurst have souls - of a sort - and should therefore be welcomed to the Lord's Table.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher has placed copies of the Tablet and Babes in Custard at the back of the church, "to fulfil a deeply-held spiritual need"?

Eccles: It seems unlikely that such filth would be introduced into a church, so I am afraid this is another misunderstanding.

custard wrestling

Probably more spiritual than the Tablet, but still banned from Blackfen.


  1. Quite right on the Tablet. We Beaker Folk have banned it as overly liberal. Now, if you'll excuse me, we're hugging trees tonight as the Moon's at 3rd Quarter.

  2. Dear Sir,

    Hooray! It is about time someone sent in the chain-smoking Smiffy shock troops to Blackfen to stop this ludicrous harking back to the tradition of the church. Nobody is listening. "The pantomime is over," as the Bishop of Rome said, when he refused to wear the red papal cocktail cape, or whatever it was.

    We in ACTA are on a roll. All over the catholic church (small c, small c) in England an Wales (forget Scotland: it's full of catholics and they are now an island) people are demanding dialogue and change. So if parishioners want the old dead forgotten mass, let's dialogue and tell them they can't have it.

    Yours on a roll,
    Ferdinand Mass-Trousers
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA & ISIS interfaith groiup

  3. Eccles you missed the best bit, the flash of a white sports car... and out hops a man in blue jeans, a floral shirt and brown shoes. Who could this possibly be!

    Pope Francis would be so happy!

  4. Blackfen custard will be distributed in future in the hand during The Eatin Mass.

  5. Since we had the NO there has been Mass deception in the church.

  6. The Fr Fisher Affair is a bit of a red-herring in the end. The EF was a sprat to catch a mackerel while neo-cons have been used like prawns in the chess game. That shark of a bishop must be having a whale of a time, while the net effect has been to put the traditionalist minnows on the line.

  7. In the sub-genre of "grown-up" fantasy fiction which arose after the success of LOTR, there is one novel (of the readable ones) where the manifestation of Satan in that world is literally laughed out of existence. The idea of using ridicule as a potent weapon to defeat evil is attractive - and has a robustly mediaeval flavour to it - but this is the real world. And in the real world well-directed humour can at least temporarily raise the spirits of those going through difficult times. For this, much thanks. And keep it up!

  8. I heard there was a fist-fight at the piety stall.

  9. So now that Father Fisher has left the priesthood and "come out" are you going to revise your analytical wisdom?

  10. Well, there's always this version of events: