Hackers set to reveal embarrassing list of names

Following the hacking of the Ashley Madison adultery website, and the embarrassment caused by the release of a large list of subscribers, it has been reported that the hackers (the so-called Impact Team) are now targeting the Tablet subscription list.

Diversity is more important than Christ, with JOY best of all.

Many otherwise faithful Catholics have been tempted by the idea of having a "good time" with the Tablet, perhaps even going so far as to read one of its articles online (after all, it is said that Christopher Howse is slightly saved). However, it is widely considered that taking out a subscription to the magazine, flirting directly with the writings of Clifford Longley and Tina Beattie, is unacceptable behaviour. It is said that in many an allegedly pious Catholic home, copies of the magazine are delivered in brown envelopes, and conversations such as the following take place:

Wife: Your copy of Catholic Babes in Custard has arrived, darling.
Husband: Er yes, thanks. (Thinks: Thank goodness she doesn't realise that it's really the Tablet!)
(Rushes off to admire Elena Curti's latest craziness.)

A less embarrassing alternative to the Tablet.

However, if the hackers succeed in their aims, then they will expose many apparently-orthodox Catholics to shame and ridicule, and this may even lead to the break-up of families. Still, the Impact Team are unrepentant, feeling that it is only right to expose double standards.

We will keep you informed of further developments. Rumours going round Eccleston Square suggest that the Tablet subscription list may contain the names of several prominent bishops and other high-profile Catholics. We do hope that this is not the case - the Church cannot afford such scandals.

What did not happen at Blackfen

In view of all the stories flying about, linked with the arrival of "Stormy Steve" Fisher, the new priest at Blackfen, it is the duty of this blog to provide a categorical denial of the more outrageous rumours.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher stripped off his shirt during Mass, and shouted "I can take on any two of you traddies with one arm tied behind my back?" Or is this exaggerated?

Eccles: this story is completely exaggerated. Fr Fisher remained correctly dressed throughout Mass, and he would never have tried to face up to some of the more muscular women who attend Mass at Blackfen.

Definitely NOT Fr Steven Fisher.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher used his sermon to denounce the Extraordinary Form Mass, and to say that nobody who participated could ever be saved, in fact only he was saved?

Eccles: it is unlikely that Fr Fisher would go against the Spirit of Vatican II, which we all adore so, by reducing the role of Latin, since its importance was emphasised in the Vatican II document De liberalis comburendis. Moreover, I do not think he has claimed to be more saved than... well, me, for example.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher denied Communion to someone who refused to hold his hand out for it? Did he really use the words "Come on, stick those paws out, you dog!"

Eccles: this story seems to have been exaggerated, as well. Obviously in an EF Mass sticking out your grubby paws is a no-no, and Fr Fisher would be aware of that.

"Oh dear, I don't think Fr Fisher's going to like that."

Dear Eccles, is it true that Archbishop Peter Smith burst into the church while Fr Fisher was preaching and shouted, "You're a very naughty boy. Go to your shed!"

Eccles: Archbishop Smith is always very keen on correct liturgical behaviour, and he would naturally be horrified if he thought that one of his priests was anything less than a beacon shining in the wilderness. He has not intervened, so nothing can be wrong.

Dear Eccles, did Fr Fisher greet one of the stalwarts of the congregation with a cry of "You live five miles away! P*** off!"?

A welcoming church.

Eccles: No, Fr Fisher realises that even people who live as far away as Chislehurst have souls - of a sort - and should therefore be welcomed to the Lord's Table.

Dear Eccles, is it true that Fr Fisher has placed copies of the Tablet and Babes in Custard at the back of the church, "to fulfil a deeply-held spiritual need"?

Eccles: It seems unlikely that such filth would be introduced into a church, so I am afraid this is another misunderstanding.

Probably more spiritual than the Tablet, but still banned from Blackfen.

Have you tried Eccles's Blogg? Aw, go on! Go on!

A special article in the Daily Telegraph from Damian Thompson.

Eccles has taught me all I know about custard.

Here’s some advice for Kieran Conry, Richard Dawkins, Iain Dale, and Stephen Fry. If you didn’t catch up with Eccles's blogg this week, don’t bother now. You’ll spoil your weekend. On the other hand, everyone else is in for a treat. Forget those tedious Telegraph blogs and read something with genuine spiritual nourishment. As Arthur Conan Doyle would say: Go on. Go on. Go on, go on, GO ON!!!!

Mary Riddell - a poor imitation of Eccles's Anti Moly.

Eccles is at the forefront of modern blogging - and opinion forming. He adopted Cardinal Ouellet as a papal candidate, and soon afterwards Cardinal Belgrano was elected Pope. He criticised Arthur Roche, and this led directly to his promotion to archbishop, with responsibility for closing churches in Rome. He praised Paul Inwood's innovative approach to "Vogon" music, and the old man was sent packing by Bishop Egan.

Star Wars, bagpipes, unicycles - back in fashion since Eccles posted this on Twitter.

Eccles has an ear for music that Van Gogh (and our own bloggers Stephen Hough and James MacMillan) could only envy. Who else would dare to help Christina Rossetti rewrite In the bleak midwinter?

It was quite a nice day,
Not too hot or cold,
They had lovely weather
In the days of old.

Tom Chivers - I gave him a job thinking that he'd write about jelly.

Of course, there are some Telegraph bloggers who are not overshadowed by Eccles. Young Michael "Mi" Wright, is our Tech blogger, who tweets as @brokenteacuplad, and so far Eccles has not yet turned his hand to technology. Also, we've got Gerald Warner, Ed West, Peter Mullen and David Lindsay. Oh, did we lose them? Well, never mind.

Moly (now retired) was a troll that I employed to drive up the hits on my blog.

Eccles is also relatively silent on environmental issues, whereas we have our great double act of Geoffrey Fat and James Upthepole, to tell us (a) the world will burst into flames next week unless we ban all motor cars (b) we're heading for a new Ice Age.

But in general the Telegraph blogs cannot compete with Eccles. His best line of the week? Out go Humanae Vitae and the other fuddy-duddy documents! In comes your own Episcopal Encyclical Fac Rem Tuam (or, since Latin is obviously not "cool", you may just say Do your own thing).

A fan of Eccles wonders why his Oyster card has stopped working.

Which isn't to say that Eccles is always being rude about people. His Eccles Bible Project has now reached the book of 1 Chronicles, and throws new light on the subject of Jizreel, Jishma, Jidbash, and their sister Hazlelponi. Scholars have said that it includes the definitive study of Hazlelponi.

If only Eccles would agree to write for the Telegraph blogs! But he already writes, under various pseudonyms, for the Tablet, Beano, Luton Budgie-Fanciers Gazette, Babes in Custard, and other scholarly publications, so he simply hasn't got the time!

The budgie-fanciers of Luton do not know how lucky they are!