This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Church of England "the greatest dream realised for human beings"

Justin Welby (currently leading in a Twitter poll to find the silliest Archbishop of Canterbury in the last 25 years, in spite of stiff competition from Rowan Williams and George Carey) has stated that the European Union is "the greatest dream realised for human beings" for the past 1,500 years.

He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.

Nichols and Welby

Can I join, Justin?

As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.

The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!

CofE advert

Everything you expect in a church... except God.

Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).

transgender stuff

Great job opportunities!

Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".

Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.

Women Catholic thingies

Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.

Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.

Oh... aren't they?


  1. Don't forget that if you attend the Church of England services you must be ipso facto 'respectable'

  2. As a former Anglican you have to believe some ridiculous things.

    First, Henry 8th founded your Church. A man who beheaded wives and was a historical version of ISIS. He's the man as the founder of Church of England.

    Second, you have to believe that God allowed idolatry in the Church for centuries with the worship of bread, before everything was sorted out in the reformation and it was all symbolic after all.

    Both are fairfly eccentric beliefs.

  3. Ronald Knox in "Reunion all round" suggested that eating pork should be banned by the C of E in order to attract Jews but the ban ignored in order to offend nobody.

  4. Henry V111 was a promiscuous serial killer. Nothing good can come from evil.

  5. Given the age demographic of a high percentage of the diehards who regularly warm the pews in the C of E, whoever decreed that hundreds of churches should have defibrillators deserves a hefty pay rise. In fact, Justin might be well advised to look to his laurels (I almost said 'start looking over his shoulder' but no need for him to do that while Cardinal Vince has got his back) cos there's a man, woman or biscuit in the organisation whose blue sky thinking could end up taking them right to the very top.

  6. Another thought. Years ago, someone described how he was getting onto an aircraft which was a military flight and the load master asked him his, name, address, next of kin etc. (as they do). When it came to religion, the bloke thought he could faze the load master and said 'Zoroastrian' The load master was unfazed and put down CofE