Shifty-looking man (possibly Bill Clinton, possibly Cardinal Wuerl): Thank you, Fr Rosica, it's good to be back here, and I really appreciate the great work you do, Your Salt and Light empire is surely the saltiest and lightest media empire the world has ever seen, and you're looking great yourself too! That "Dolan" diet of yours has really given you a great figure!
Also, your work, day in, day out, insulting Catholics, is very valuable, and much appreciated by the USCCB.
"Is it all right if I explain to you how wonderful I am?"
Fat man (possibly Oliver Hardy, possibly Fr Rosica): We love you too, Cardinal, and we think the American bishops are doing a fine job! You haven't had a cardinal dragged off to prison for at least three days now! That shows that you're giving a great message of hope to all of us. Tell us more about the ground-breaking initiatives you are proposing.
Wuerl: Why, you do ask some tough questions, Rosie! Yes, we are planning a brilliant new scheme whereby we get the bishops to be judged by an external and impartial group of, er, other bishops. Or perhaps by themselves. What can possibly go wrong?
All is going well in the USCCB.
Rosica: That's FANTASTIC, Cardinal. Only an Einstein of the bishop world could have thought of that. May I kiss your boots? We all adore Pope Francis, but you will make a worthy successor when the time comes!
Wuerl (blushing): I am not worthy! Well, actually I am, but perhaps we could cut that bit from the interview. I'm hoping that when the white smoke appears and they say "It's Whirly!" everyone will be simply relieved that it's not Cupich.
Rosica: Well, that's all in the future, about the time that dear old Jimmy Martin becomes a bishop. Now, I know I've been probing really hard today - as the bishop said to the actor...
Wuerl: I deny it! I was never there. [embarrassed silence] Oh, sorry, that was a joke, wasn't it?
Rosica: Yes, but let me ask another difficult question, which the everyday layman-in-the-pew has a right to know the answer to. What is it that makes you so extremely wonderful?
Wuerl:You've got me! A question I simply can't answer. There are too many reasons to name...
Rosica: Well, let's stop there. I next have to interview Cardinal Farrell, Cardinal Tobin, and Cardinal Cupich about the prospects for the World Series. Nighty-night, babe!
Well done, Donald, you've taken a weight off everyone's mind.