Pope Francis writes a letter (and another World Cup)

As we all know, Pope Francis is not a great fan of Donald Trump - he would prefer the Catholic policies of Kamala Harris (e.g. abortion, LGBT activism, transgender stuff) to the less fashionable ideas of Donald. No, it's not his renaming of the Gulf of Mexico or the threat to take over Greenland (or was it Canada?) that he objects to, but to his immigration policies, notably the deporting of illegal immigrants because they were in the US, er, illegally.

"We're the best of friends, really!"

Anyway, the Holy Father dashed off a letter to the US Bishops' Conference telling them that they should all support the Democrats and be as nasty to Trump as possible. To their credit, they were having none of this, and Archbishop Timothy Broglio, dashed off a closely-argued rebuttal, as follows:

 
Dear Sir or Madam,
   Thank you for your letter of the 10th Inst.
It has been filed.
   Yours faithfully,
   Tim Broglio, for the USCCB.

"It has been filed."

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So, inspired by an idea from @Aletheiaholic, we now have another World Cup - just a Miniature one with 8 entrants.

If you were Pope Francis writing a Papal Document, which of these issues should have your priority?

The possibilities are (in the order produced by my randomizer):

Persecution of Christians;
Abortion and IVF;
Divorce among Catholics;
Assisted Suicide;
Immigration policy;
Eugenics;
Surrogacy;
Same-sex marriage.

The results of the semi-finals etc. will be posted here as they come in.

"Whatever he writes, it reminds me of talking about sex with someone just getting to puberty."

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SEMI-FINALS

Abortion and IVF 78.1 v Surrogacy 21.9

Persecution of Christians 62.1 v Same-sex marriage 37.9

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Surrogacy 42.4 v Same-sex marriage 57.6

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FINAL

Abortion and IVF 54.4 v Persecution of Christians 45.6

So there we have it.

Doing the Synod Walk

Following a document circulated by the USCCB explaining the "attitudes" required for "walking the synodal path", we felt it helpful to write a chorus you can sing as you do the Synod Walk. For those who don't know the music, there is this. It's at least as good as Marty Haugen's stuff!

USCC-B-attitudes to replace to old Beatitudes.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,¹
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

1. In fact, all day long for several years.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,²
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk.

2. Of course LGBT couples are also welcome.

Ev'rything's free³ and easy,
Do as you darn well pleasey,⁴
Why don't you make your way there,
Go there, stay there.

3. For financial advice, please consult Cardinal Becciu.
4. Offer does not apply to traditional forms of worship.

Once you get down Synod way,
Ev'ry evening, ev'ry day,
You'll find yourself
Doin' the Synod walk.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk!

"We're on the right road, brothers!

But let's be serious now.

Innovative outlook! Inclusivity! Open-mindedness! Listening! Accompaniment! Co-responsibility! Dialogue!

These form the new mission statement for USCCB Inc., the company that cares about YOU. Our USCCB values also include the following:

Thinking outside the box! Picking the low-hanging fruit! Getting our ducks in a row! Synergizing! Blue sky thinking! Drinking the Kool-Aid! Making sure we have the bandwidth! Going ahead to address the elephant in the room!

Sorry, guys, but Faith! Hope! Charity! Fortitude! Justice! Temperance! and Prudence! are SO pre-Francis!

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LATE NEWS: after inviting comments on Twitter, and receiving a deluge of mocking, hostile responses, the USCCB closed off replies. This is how synods work.

Catholic bishops slammed for being Catholic

Americans were up in arms today on learning that their Catholic bishops had voted by 168 to 55 to produce a document explaining Catholic teaching on the Eucharist. Provisionally entitled Ad Nodum Josephe ("Get knotted, Joe!") the encyclical will reveal the surprising news that killing babies is wrong, and people guilty of mortal sin should really do something about it before rushing up to receive Communion.

Joe Biden slopes out in disgrace.

Said one ally of the president: "I thought the Catholic Church was a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Democratic party. Having seen such top theologians as Fr James Martin and Cardinal Wilton Gregory campaigning against the Bad Orange Man, I naturally assumed that the bishops would do exactly what Top Catholic Henry VIII President Biden wished."

We have not yet seen the names of the 55 bishops who voted against publishing Catholic teaching, but it seems that Soapy Blase and Nighty-night Tobin have already spoken out against "weaponising the Eucharist", which is a Democrat way of saying "reminding people of New Testament teaching".

A brave warrior gets 15 minutes of fame by explaining that he doesn't understand Catholicism.

BREAKING: Apparently, the bishops' decision has been reversed, after 200 more votes came in overnight, all backing Biden. Some people have noted that they are all in the names of people who are either dead (Archbishop Jesse James, Bishop "Doc" Holliday) or completely non-existent (the Bishop of Wounded Toe, The Bishop of OK Corral). However, all votes count, and it seems that the USCCB can go back to being agnostic after all.

Jupich Iscariot condemns statement from the other 11 disciples

Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33.

Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.

Cardinal Iscariot puts on his "angry" face.

The statement from the disciples had been a simple affirmation of Christian doctrine, but this is considered dangerous in today's political climate, and is likely to get many people into trouble with the authorities.

Governor Joe Pilaten is not amused either.

Joe Pilaten himself is generally regarded as a harmless buffoon with an obsession for washing his hands, although the Disciples' statement is very critical of his fondness for taking innocent life (completing a task that his mentor Barack Heroda failed to finish many years ago).

Naturally Jupich, given the choice between affirming Christian doctrine and pleasing the governing authorities in the United States of Judaea, will drop his religious principles every time. Indeed, there are already reports that he is involved in a scandal known as Thirtypiecesofsilvergate. Still, since he is a powerful cardinal, his words will always be heeded, however crass they may be.

No more old Catholics to be canonized

A decision has come down from the Vatican that only Catholics inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II will henceforth be eligible for canonization. "We let Newman through the gate, but that's the last one," said a spokesman. "From now on only modernists can become saints. The next one will probably be Cardinal Martini."

The first victim of this new rule is Archbishop Fulton Sheen, who was due to be beatified in a few weeks time, now that his body has been wrested from the pudgy grip of Cardinal Dolan. The USCCB have pointed out that it is almost unheard-of for an American bishop to have lived a life of purity and decency ("We've all got boyfriends," claimed one bishop), and so there must be something nasty in Sheen's history.

Fulton Sheen appears on "What's my line" and writes down his occupation.

Elizabeth the Scalier, also known as the Angriest, who has left Patheticos and now works for Bishop Barron's "Throw our words into the fire" empire, has come up with the suggestion that perhaps Sheen had some homosexual relations in his CV.

It is believed that in a few days time she will have come up with more imaginative speculations - possibly the existence of a beach house in which seminarians were abused. Obvuously, mere homosexual activity is not considered a bar to canonization these days, indeed in some Jesuit circles it is really a sine qua non.

No doubts about Cardinal Martini (a.k.a. Baal)!

U.S. bishops vote not to reject Satan

In an 83 to 137 vote (with 3 abstentions), the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have voted not to reject Satan.

The question "Do you reject Satan?", usually asked (in some form) at baptisms, is notorious for being a difficult one to answer. The obvious reponse, "Well, I really don't want to make any new enemies," is not usually considered adequate, and parents and godparents who are stuck for a reply are usually encouraged either to "phone a friend" or to "ask the audience".

Still, one expects bishops to have a ready-made answer, and it was somewht disconcerting to find that they were so divided on the issue. Follow-up questions like "Do you think sexual abuse is a problem?" and "Have you ever visited Ted McCarrick's beach house?" also divided the bishops.

Faithful Catholics may feel disappointed at the bishops' evident reluctance to upset the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, and the Maker of Empty Promises; some might have expected them to reject the glamour of evil and refuse to be mastered by sin. But do we have a right to complain? In the words of Cardinal DiNardo, president of the USCCB, "You do your job, and we'll do ours!" Well, that's certainly worked out well so far.

DiNardo finds a "safe space" away from members of the public.

Even less helpful was Cardinal Cupich, who said "Leave it to the Vatican to decide what's best." In point of fact we have been waiting on a telephone line to the Vatican for the last two years, listening to "Gather us in" on an endless loop, after we phoned up with a request for the answers to some Dubia.

"Ooh! he pinched my backside!" Typical bishop-games.

So it's business as usual, I'm afraid.

Fr Rosica interviews Cardinal Wuerl

We have watched it, so you don't have to.

Shifty-looking man (possibly Bill Clinton, possibly Cardinal Wuerl): Thank you, Fr Rosica, it's good to be back here, and I really appreciate the great work you do, Your Salt and Light empire is surely the saltiest and lightest media empire the world has ever seen, and you're looking great yourself too! That "Dolan" diet of yours has really given you a great figure!

Also, your work, day in, day out, insulting Catholics, is very valuable, and much appreciated by the USCCB.

"Is it all right if I explain to you how wonderful I am?"

Fat man (possibly Oliver Hardy, possibly Fr Rosica): We love you too, Cardinal, and we think the American bishops are doing a fine job! You haven't had a cardinal dragged off to prison for at least three days now! That shows that you're giving a great message of hope to all of us. Tell us more about the ground-breaking initiatives you are proposing.

Wuerl: Why, you do ask some tough questions, Rosie! Yes, we are planning a brilliant new scheme whereby we get the bishops to be judged by an external and impartial group of, er, other bishops. Or perhaps by themselves. What can possibly go wrong?

All is going well in the USCCB.

Rosica: That's FANTASTIC, Cardinal. Only an Einstein of the bishop world could have thought of that. May I kiss your boots? We all adore Pope Francis, but you will make a worthy successor when the time comes!

Wuerl (blushing): I am not worthy! Well, actually I am, but perhaps we could cut that bit from the interview. I'm hoping that when the white smoke appears and they say "It's Whirly!" everyone will be simply relieved that it's not Cupich.

Rosica: Well, that's all in the future, about the time that dear old Jimmy Martin becomes a bishop. Now, I know I've been probing really hard today - as the bishop said to the actor...

Wuerl: I deny it! I was never there. [embarrassed silence] Oh, sorry, that was a joke, wasn't it?

Rosica: Yes, but let me ask another difficult question, which the everyday layman-in-the-pew has a right to know the answer to. What is it that makes you so extremely wonderful?

Wuerl:You've got me! A question I simply can't answer. There are too many reasons to name...

Rosica: Well, let's stop there. I next have to interview Cardinal Farrell, Cardinal Tobin, and Cardinal Cupich about the prospects for the World Series. Nighty-night, babe!

Well done, Donald, you've taken a weight off everyone's mind.

Cardinal condemns God for separating families

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has slammed God for building a wall round Heaven and separating families.

Said His Eminence, "It is shocking to think that there is no free access to Heaven, and that people who illegally try to enter - perhaps when St Peter's attention is distracted by a discussion of fishing techniques - are rounded up and interned in Hell. This means that some people are entering Heaven to discover that their parents have been sent elsewhere."

An artist's vision of God.

A spokesman for God (St Matthew of Catholic Voices) remarked that Divine Immigration Policy clearly stated "And every one that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. So there!"

Meanwhile, the USCCB stressed that they were speaking out in their capacity as a pro-life organization: they were concerned about immigration, but had very little objection to children being destroyed in the womb, and they would certainly not deny communion to abortionists, whether practising or simply preaching the doctrine of death. In this they were backed up by organizations such as "Catholics for Choice", "Catholics for Infanticide", "Catholics for Herod" and "Catholics for BLOOD SLAUGHTER MURDER DEATH PSYCHO AAAAGGGGHHH".

"In the words of Holy Scripture: VOTE DEMOCRAT."

Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.