This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 20 August 2018

The Pope's letter to the People of God

Most people will be unaware of this - I only found out today when Spadaro accidentally let the cat out of the bag - but there have been one or two complaints about our bishops and clergy recently.

WE ARE ALL GUILTY.

Well, not me of course. As has been observed by that nice man Stephen Walford who dusts my piano, and that little gnome chap Austen Ivereigh, I am INFALLIBLE, which means that nothing is ever my fault. I'm happy to clear that up for you.

Wuerl on St Peter's

Endangered Creatures like this are almost extinct!

I was hoping to meet my dear friend Donna Wuerl in Dublin so that I could find out what's going on, but he's sent me a telegram: "I regret that I have suddenly died. Sorry." My agents tell me that in fact he has not died, but has gone into hiding with some other handsome priests. I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Anyway, let's try again with that headline.

YOU ARE ALL GUILTY.

Especially the laity. You're all guilty of clericalism. Well, it would be scandalous to blame the clergy. Even more scandalous to blame the bishops. So PLEASE do not de-bag your bishop and push him into the river. Even if it's Farrell, or Tobin, or Cupich. Resist the temptation!

My top adviser Fr James Martin SJ assures me that it's nothing to do with "gay" clergy either. After all, he says that he wants our clergy to be celibate, and none of the "Friends of Jimmy" shows any inclination whatsoever to get married. Well, not to a woman. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as it says in the Latin Missal.

bad vestments

New vestments from "Maison Jimmy" of New York!

So that's everything sorted, isn't it? Now, let's look at some of the more serious problems facing the Church. Climate Change - isn't that the real cause of all our problems? Or maybe plastic straws.

Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope? "The name's Francis, Pope Francis." With a Licence to Kill the Magisterium. Can you imagine a black person - like Robert Sarah - taking the role? Of course not. The next actor to portray the Pope should be someone like Cardinal Wuerl. If only we can work out where he's hiding...

Pope emoji

I feel your pain!

19 comments:

  1. I blame those saucy boys. Taking advantage of our dear overworked and misunderstood bishops, who only want to give of themselves. This is the thanks they receive for making time for private career counseling.

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  2. Why must the next pope be a catholic? Open up a bit, guys. I think the next pope should be the Daily Llama. He's great on Youtube. Bishop Bogus Smirk.

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    1. Does that means they lead out a different llama - sorry, Pope - every day, to 'read' the entrails and indicate which bit of doctrine is to be ditched that day? I'm sure they've already got a 'little list'!,

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  3. Those stupid peasants! No gratitude for pastoral "accompaniment". One almost doubts one's unwavering commitment to these unwashed masses.

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    1. Well, it's clear that when it comes to washing up , only those not falling into the pastoral mases are to be chosen, although even for them it's just the feet.

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    2. They all do the washing up with mild green Fairy Liquid.

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  4. Once upon a time a letter came that made everything better. I stuck it up on the fridge to look at for 70 years or so, and the sun will come out tomorrow, just like in a fairy tale.

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  5. My admittedly jaundiced view of the current pope has undergone a complete transformation since the BBC told me yesterday that he had written me a letter! No other pope has ever done this. In fact, I bet the thought never even crossed their minds. But Francis The Great has reached out as only he can and I, for one, am both humbled and grateful. I can't wait to read what it says and do hope it contains a stamped addressed envelope so that I can send back a suitable reply.

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    1. "No other Pope has ever done this" - I disagree. Pope Benedict's letter to Irish Catholics was about the same issue. http://w2.vatican.va/content/benedict-xvi/en/letters/2010/documents/hf_ben-xvi_let_20100319_church-ireland.html

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    2. How outrageous!

      Are you saying that something (anything) Francis The Great has said or done is WITH precedent? With that suggestion, sir, you have achieved the not inconsiderable feat of insulting both Francis The Great AND virtually all previous popes. F.T.G. refuses to be constrained by rigid and antiquated papal norms. He hasn't just broken the pontifical mould, he's then gone and buried half of it in the Castel Gandolfo gardens and thrown the other half in the Tiber. BXVI may have written to 3 odd (very odd) million "Catholics" on Teddy Bear island but Francis has written to the world's 1.2bn Catholics which has to go straight into the All-Time Top Ten Most Significant Actions of a Pope (although whoever licked all those stamps is probably more deserving of being remembered by Clio).

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  6. My thoughts exactly, dear Eccles. Brilliant work, as ever.

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  7. When I read this "Perhaps the biggest question you're all asking is: should a black person play the role of Pope?" I could not help myself talking back to my computer and saying:-
    "Yes, Yes, Yes. Cardinal Sarah would make an excellent Pope."

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  8. Honesty. one couldn't make it up, could one ?

    Years ago, The Church would guide The Faithful.

    Now, it's whatever one thinks is "on message".

    Dream on, Carruthers !!!

    Meanwhile, say The Rosary. Go to Benediction. Attend Vespers. Attend Matins. And PRAY.

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  9. If you can attend Benediction, Vespers and Matins where you are, you are truly blessed! There are some good signs though. One is that New York's AG wants a look-see into our dioceses too; if that happens newspapers will have to start printing serials again.

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  10. The only place I could attend Benediction in my locality was at the Anglican Church. Should I have done so? By contrast holy, lately deceased, monk, at the local Benedictine abbey, informed me. when asked. that he did not think his brethren would know how to do Benediction.

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  11. Off topic but interesting.
    George C. Eccles saved more than 200 lives by refusing to leave his post
    https://tinyurl.com/y7pygrbk

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  12. I is not guilty, only u is guilty.

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