This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 1 March 2019

The case against Cardinal Pell

We are delighted to include an exclusive interview with Billy Bong, one of the jury who recently convicted Cardinal Pell of sex offences.

Eccles: Now, Billy, how did you get to be on the jury?

Billy Bong

Billy Bong.

Billy: Well, I answered an advert, which said "Jury members wanted for high-profile trial. The successful candidates will have an IQ of 80 or less, be virulently anti-Catholic (if possible, freemasons), and to have had their consciences surgically removed." Unfortunately, I had already missed out on an earlier advert.

Eccles: What was the earlier advert?

Billy: "Story-writing competition. Make up a tale involving Cardinal Pell committing sex abuse. 200 dollars paid for the best fantasy."

Eccles: I see. Now, the original trial resulted in a hung verdict, 10-2 in favour of Pell. Why did things swing round so far for the second trial?

Billy: Well, we knew he must have done something, even if we weren't sure of the details. Think how many comedians use "Catholic = child abuse" as a very very funny joke, even better than the old racial jokes about aboriginals and sheep that we used to love. So what could we do but find him guilty?

Pope and Pell

A sign of bad character: Cardinal Pell argues with the umpire.

Eccles; What about the evidence that he was actually outside the cathedral chatting to the congregation at the time he was supposed to be in the sacristy?

Billy: Look, Catholics believe in miracles, don't they? So it must have been possible.

Eccles: And exposing himself while wearing alb, stole, chasuble, etc. over his trousers?

Billy: This was the prosecution's point entirely. Under his clothes he was completely naked!

Eccles: And the witness not being cross-examined?

Billy: They didn't want to upset him by pointing out that he was either a liar or a lunatic. (They'd had so much trouble with other witness, a junkie who kept changing his mind.) Inspector Plod of the anti-Catholic Task Force ("Flying Plod of the Yard") went to great trouble to write his testimony in green ink, and he didn't want to rewrite it.

Eccles: How about "Thou shalt not bear false witness"?

Billy: Oh yes, oh yes. They warned us that the Catholics would try to confuse things by digging up out-of-date theological arguments.

Aaaarggh!!! Can we stop now??? My brain is giving off steam!!!

Eccles: Mr Bong, thank you very much.

Picnic at Hanging Rock

Picnic at Hanging Rock. Police claim that Cardinal Pell abducted these girls in 1900.


  1. As I always say, dear Bruvver, if you dont laugh you cry, and as ever you have given me a much needed laugh. You absolutely nailed how ridiculous the allegations are and what a sham the trial was. Team Pell, all the way. God will help the good Cardinal.

  2. Everyone knows he kidnapped those Protestant school girls in 1900.Victorian police informers are reputed to be very reliable and integral folk. They even have legal qualifications! There's always been talk that it was a Catholic who dun it....what with them being able to cast spells n all.


  3. Amazing....this was needed. The kangaroo court might jump right into hell, and those eternal jumps have no bouncers to get them out of the fires.

  4. This is the problem with Catholics. They are deliberately naked underneath their outer garments. A good reason for a campaign to make them all wear frog suits underneath their clothing especially the clergy, who will be required to wear flippers as well. Victoria Police said this will result in a significant reduction in sex crimes.

  5. Maybe ridicule will worh where rational argument has failed. With the exception of Barry Humphries, Aussies generally don't deal well with being laughed at.

  6. There is absolutely nothing I can add after this hilarious piece and great comments. I would just like to thank you, Br. Eccles for making us laugh even in these blackest of times. God bless you!

  7. Rallentanda: But what do the Victoria Secret Police say?

  8. This trial was the absolute nadir of Australian jurisprudence!

  9. Think we Catholics should consider Mormon underwear? Let's be as non-naked under multiple layers of clothes as possible. :p

  10. As far back as 2008, it was known in Rome that Cardinal Pell was being set up for this. He was happy to discuss it, and those of us who dialogued with him (in my case in the Beda in 2008 and 2009) had no doubt about the moral integrity of this man. Knowing him, I would be happy to put my own child in his care and vouchsafe for his moral rectitude. In a world gone off the rails, this is a terrible injustice and - without making too much drama of it - a clear example of diabolic influence.

    I will support Cardinal Pell all the way.