This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 8 June 2019

The new version of the Lord's prayer

Pope Francis has set up a special Vatican committee to provide a new modernist translation of the Lord's prayer, and we were privileged to hear (by means of an Ecclesbug (TM)) an account of their discussions.

Right, guys, Pope Francis wants a new translation of this prayer. We could start with the New Testament Greek if you like?

Oh no, that's all squiggles to me. How about using the Latin? Does anyone speak it?

I did a bit at school. Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat. That sort of stuff.

Caesar adsum jam forte

Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat.

Great! We can probably work that in somewhere. Now, let's start.

Pater noster, qui es in caelis.

Our holy Father who is... er, in caelis?

In the cellar? That's where he lives now that he has become even more humble.

Sanctificetur nomen tuum.

Sanctified be your, er nomen. Gnome? Is this a reference to Austen Ivereigh?

Adveniat regnum tuum.

Adveniat, er, Advent? Advent rules you? How about "Advent rules OK"?

Fiat voluntas tua.

Your wish was a Fiat. I think the Pope wanted a really humble car, you see.

Pope and car

My other car is a Fiat.

Sicut in caelo et in terra.

Does he play the cello? Well I've heard of Maradiaga on the fiddle... So far I've got "As the cello on the ground" - doesn't seem to mean much.

Look, if we aim for a meaningful translation we'll be here all day, and we'll miss Cocco's party. Shove it down as it is.

Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.

This is the bit about bread, isn't it? Shall we make the prayer more up-to-date by changing it to "pizza"? Give us some pizza today?

Et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

Something to do with debts and nostrils? Help us pay for our cocaine?

Hurry up, Cocco's party's starting soon.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem.

We all know what he wants there. Do not let us fall into temptation.

Why not "fall into the Thames"? That would be snappier, wouldn't it?

Sed libera nos a malo.

Malo is apple, I'm fairly sure. Is this a reference to Adam and Eve?

Free us from apples!

Adam and Eve

Free us from apples!

So, what we'll give the punters from now on is:

Our holy Father, who is in the cellar,
Sanctified be your gnome.
Advent rules OK.
You wanted a Fiat
As the cello on the ground.
Give us some pizza today, 
And help us pay for our cocaine.
Do not let us fall into the Thames,
But free us from apples!

Well, guys, I think we've done a good job there. Pope Francis will be delighted.


  1. As usual in liturgical matters, the lat,e great Evelyn Waugh was on the case years before Eccles and the Four Cardinals, viz. his (Waugh's) suggested updating of the Ave Maria in the 1960s:

    "Hiya Moll. You're the tops. You've got everything it takes, baby, and that goes for junior too. Look, Moll, you put in a word for us slobs now and when we knock out." (quoted in Christopher Sykes's biography)

    What amazes me is the almost casual arrogance, as of an occupying army, manifested by claiming that all of Western Christendom has misinterpreted Our Lord's meaning for 2,000 years, from the translation of his original Aramaic into the Greek verb eisferw onwards, until some bright spark in Rome spotted it. (The alternative explanation, that Our Blessed Lord himself got it wrong, is surely a claim too far for even the current occupants of the Vatican? Surely?)

  2. I can usually tell when you're making things up but with all that intellectual Latin stuff this looks pretty right-on.

    Where can I buy an Ecclesbug(TM) to spy on the confessional?

  3. I made changes to the Our Father too…

    Our Francis, who art in the Vatican,
    how did you get to be pope.
    Your errors confuse and your heresies abound
    in Amoris as in Letitia.
    Give us this day our daily dig.
    And accuse us of our trespasses, as you accuse
    Vigano, the Dubia Cardinals, and rigid promethian pharisees of trespassing against you..
    And don’t lead us not into temptation, since we’re not allowed to say that anymore.
    But deliver us from global warming.

  4. Sorry to be serious, but it needs to be understood (by the Pope among others)that the sense of the phrase translated as 'Ne nos inducas in tentationem' ('Lead us not into temptation') is a plea not to be 'put to the test' (e.g. of persecution). Thus St Thomas More prayed not to be tested beyond his ability to resist.

  5. (continued) ...and St Thomas More's prayer was answered insofar as he was spared the torture he dreaded. His courage on the block is legendary.
    Regarding torture, it was officially illegal in England in Reformation times; hence, under Elizabeth, Walsingham chose to perform it on Catholics in his own house. Which makes it ironic that in English eyes the Spaniards (In Spain torture was permitted by law) were the ones guilty of it (Still in Tennyson's ballad of 'The Revenge' we read of "...the devildoms of Spain...the thumbscrew and the rack For the glory of the Lord!")

  6. AMEN.[Editor: A MEN]

    Or, because of The Gender Bender Thingy, nowadays, should I say: "A GENDER NEUTRAL THINGY ? "

  7. Our Self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagian,
    Airport Bishop be thy abstract ideologue.
    Thy Christian hypocrites only interested in formalities,
    Thy sloth-diseased, acedic Christians,
    In Parish as it is in the Holy See.
    Give us this day our daily pickled pepper-faced Christian.
    And lead us not into older people nostalgic for structures and customs which are no longer life-giving in today’s world,
    But deliver us from leprous courtiers.
    For Francis' are the insults, and the smug, and the liberation theology,
    From dubia and to dubia amen.

  8. aye, say, catholicism isnt working for you. that religions lost its taste so try another flavor...ant music..huh huh huh huh huh.

  9. I enjoyed these new versions, I never realized until Bergolio it was all up for grabs. Aren't we fortunate to have him come along and correct Christ and bad translations that were perfectly fine for 2000 years.
    He dibbles and he dabbles where he may. As he said in his first year "It's great to be pope!".