The new version of the Lord's prayer

Pope Francis has set up a special Vatican committee to provide a new modernist translation of the Lord's prayer, and we were privileged to hear (by means of an Ecclesbug (TM)) an account of their discussions.

Right, guys, Pope Francis wants a new translation of this prayer. We could start with the New Testament Greek if you like?

Oh no, that's all squiggles to me. How about using the Latin? Does anyone speak it?

I did a bit at school. Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat. That sort of stuff.

Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat.

Great! We can probably work that in somewhere. Now, let's start.

Pater noster, qui es in caelis.

Our holy Father who is... er, in caelis?

In the cellar? That's where he lives now that he has become even more humble.

Sanctificetur nomen tuum.

Sanctified be your, er nomen. Gnome? Is this a reference to Austen Ivereigh?

Adveniat regnum tuum.

Adveniat, er, Advent? Advent rules you? How about "Advent rules OK"?

Fiat voluntas tua.

Your wish was a Fiat. I think the Pope wanted a really humble car, you see.

My other car is a Fiat.

Sicut in caelo et in terra.

Does he play the cello? Well I've heard of Maradiaga on the fiddle... So far I've got "As the cello on the ground" - doesn't seem to mean much.

Look, if we aim for a meaningful translation we'll be here all day, and we'll miss Cocco's party. Shove it down as it is.

Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.

This is the bit about bread, isn't it? Shall we make the prayer more up-to-date by changing it to "pizza"? Give us some pizza today?

Et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

Something to do with debts and nostrils? Help us pay for our cocaine?

Hurry up, Cocco's party's starting soon.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem.

We all know what he wants there. Do not let us fall into temptation.

Why not "fall into the Thames"? That would be snappier, wouldn't it?

Sed libera nos a malo.

Malo is apple, I'm fairly sure. Is this a reference to Adam and Eve?

Free us from apples!

Free us from apples!

So, what we'll give the punters from now on is:

Our holy Father, who is in the cellar,
Sanctified be your gnome.
Advent rules OK.
You wanted a Fiat
As the cello on the ground.
Give us some pizza today, 
And help us pay for our cocaine.
Do not let us fall into the Thames,
But free us from apples!

Well, guys, I think we've done a good job there. Pope Francis will be delighted.

Memorial service for a great man

Minister: Friends, Romans, and Countrymen - lend me your ears. I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him.

Omnes: Who?

Minister: We are here to remember Nelson Mandela / Doris Lessing / Graham Stark / Nigel Davenport / Mark 'Chopper' Read / Ralph Miliband / John Cole / Cliff Morgan / Mike Winters / Margaret Thatcher (delete as appropriate), who was clearly the greatest person of the 20th century, or indeed of any century. In the words of Peter Oborne, "Blimey O'Reilly, he could have taught Christ a thing or two!"

The great man meets another great man.

He was known to his friends as Madiba / Scoobie Doo / Goofie / Maggie / Chopper / That Leftie Bastard / Hondootedly / Professor / Fatty / The Deacon from Hell, and it is as his friends that we honour him today.

At this point someone famous who once met the deceased (and this may be Barack Obama, Bono, Stephen Fry, Peter Hain, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, or, if we're unlucky, all of them) or will get up and say a eulogy.

We all owe so much... so let's borrow more.

Celebrity: Let us not forget that as a result of spending 27 years in prison / on the golf course / in the pub / screaming at his neighbours / telling bad jokes / playing rugby he single-handedly eliminated apartheid / communism / halitosis / fascism / vegetarianism / New Labour / Darth Vader / Australian cricket / Islam / homophobia / dandruff from the world. Except for Croydon. As a pious Methodist / atheist / Catholic / agnostic / Satanic fire-worshipper / Jedi / Muslim, his actions were always guided by his deeply-held faith.

I remember when he met me he quipped: "Who are you?" / "Get out of my way!" / "Could you lend me a fiver?" / "Aren't you on the telly?" / "I thought you were dead!" / "Would you like to come back to my place?" Truly, he was the greatest man of the century, greater even than Churchill / Lenin / Gandhi / Eric Morecambe / Mother Teresa / Charlie Chaplin / Idi Amin / Chesterton / Spike Milligan / Liberace / Cary Grant (or he may name some other great person). Can I have my fee now?

At this point the 3 biggest numpties in the congregation will grin like jackasses and take a "selfie" of themselves, while their nearest and dearest sulk in deep embarrassment.

Minister: I've had enough. Depart in peace before I throw you out.

Congregation: Are the pubs open?