The new version of the Lord's prayer

Pope Francis has set up a special Vatican committee to provide a new modernist translation of the Lord's prayer, and we were privileged to hear (by means of an Ecclesbug (TM)) an account of their discussions.

Right, guys, Pope Francis wants a new translation of this prayer. We could start with the New Testament Greek if you like?

Oh no, that's all squiggles to me. How about using the Latin? Does anyone speak it?

I did a bit at school. Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat. That sort of stuff.

Caesar adsum jam forte. Pompey aderat.

Great! We can probably work that in somewhere. Now, let's start.

Pater noster, qui es in caelis.

Our holy Father who is... er, in caelis?

In the cellar? That's where he lives now that he has become even more humble.

Sanctificetur nomen tuum.

Sanctified be your, er nomen. Gnome? Is this a reference to Austen Ivereigh?

Adveniat regnum tuum.

Adveniat, er, Advent? Advent rules you? How about "Advent rules OK"?

Fiat voluntas tua.

Your wish was a Fiat. I think the Pope wanted a really humble car, you see.

My other car is a Fiat.

Sicut in caelo et in terra.

Does he play the cello? Well I've heard of Maradiaga on the fiddle... So far I've got "As the cello on the ground" - doesn't seem to mean much.

Look, if we aim for a meaningful translation we'll be here all day, and we'll miss Cocco's party. Shove it down as it is.

Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.

This is the bit about bread, isn't it? Shall we make the prayer more up-to-date by changing it to "pizza"? Give us some pizza today?

Et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.

Something to do with debts and nostrils? Help us pay for our cocaine?

Hurry up, Cocco's party's starting soon.

Et ne nos inducas in tentationem.

We all know what he wants there. Do not let us fall into temptation.

Why not "fall into the Thames"? That would be snappier, wouldn't it?

Sed libera nos a malo.

Malo is apple, I'm fairly sure. Is this a reference to Adam and Eve?

Free us from apples!

Free us from apples!

So, what we'll give the punters from now on is:

Our holy Father, who is in the cellar,
Sanctified be your gnome.
Advent rules OK.
You wanted a Fiat
As the cello on the ground.
Give us some pizza today, 
And help us pay for our cocaine.
Do not let us fall into the Thames,
But free us from apples!

Well, guys, I think we've done a good job there. Pope Francis will be delighted.

Daily Mail does a hatchet job

Mesopotamia, 3980 B.C.

The entire population of the world (approximately 10) was horrified today when the Daily Mail published an article claiming that Mr Adam Milligan, father of the well-known farmers Cain Milligan and Abel Milligan, was really quite an evil person.

Adam and Eve "left little to the imagination" says Daily Mail.

Said Cain Milligan, currently Leader of the Opposition to God, "This slur on my father is disgraceful. All right, he and my mother did fraternise with a serpent, and eat forbidden fruit, but thirty years ago this was perfectly normal behaviour - everyone did it - and he was only a fellow-traveller rather than an out-and-out Satanist."

The Daily Mail, however, is sticking to its story, and has published follow-up articles, called, The man who fell in love with his own rib and Adam DID hate God.

An eye-witness interviewed by the Daily Mail.

Critics have pointed out that the Daily Mail also has a somewhat unsavoury history: for example, shortly before Satan was expelled from Heaven, it was publishing headlines such as THREE CHEERS FOR THE MAN WITH THE HORNS AND THE PITCHFORK and SATAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW TO GOD.

Nowadays, support for Satan is limited to occasional articles in papers with vanishingly small circulations, such as the Independent and Guardian.

The Daily Mail may, however, have the last word, as it challenged Cain Milligan to explain the mysterious absence of his brother Abel, who had been expected to take over the leadership of the labourers' party. Said Cain, "I'm afraid he decided to leave the family business and move to New York." Rumours are growing that Cain has actually killed Abel, but he was quick to deny them. Indeed, he produced this photograph which proved, he claimed, that his brother was alive and well, and had not been knifed in the back after all.

A prosperous banana-farmer, possible Abel Milligan.

Bad Hymns 24

The Judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are delighted to welcome "R.H.", the 18th-century author of "Jesus Christ the Apple Tree". So, R.H., you published this hymn in London's Spiritual Magazine, although only under your initials?

Apple trees have long been a source of inspiration.

RH: Yes, I felt that anonymity was safest here, in case people started mocking my song. It was later published in Joshua Smith's hymnal.

E: Well, I'm about 200 years late, but I got to it in the end. I don't suppose that R.H. stands for Rolf Harris? The song has that sort of ring to it: perhaps an accompaniment with a didgeridoo or a wobble board would make it seem less silly?

These didgeridoo virtuosi also used the Apple label.

RH: No, not Rolf Harris.

E: Well, onto the song:

The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

Calling Christ an apple tree isn't very Biblical, is it?

RH: Well, there are apple trees in the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon), Eccles.

E: A bit far-fetched, Rolf. Still, resting under the tree, and eating its fruit, do tie in well with general Christian doctrine, IF you interpret Christ as an apple tree.

RH: I wrote another verse, all about drinking cider and falling over under the apple tree, but the Spiritual Magazine cut it out.

There's too much cider in my cup,
I need someone to pick me up.
Since I can't stand right now, Lord, see
Me doze beneath the apple tree.

Ooh, arr, we appreciates the fruit of an apple tree.

E: That was probably best. Moreover, apples have cosmetic uses, so I've written an extra verse for you:

My skin is wrinkled, full of spots,
But luckily I now get lots
Of vitamins, A, B and C,
In lotion from the apple tree.

Er, I left out Christ, as I am still not sure that He really has much to do with this hymn.

RH: Thanks, Eccles. Shall we contact the Spiritual Magazine? They may like to publish a new edition of my words.

E: Didn't it merge with the Tablet? Ah no, it's probably turned into this:

Spiritual journalism.

RH: Well, thank you very much, Eccles.

E: My pleasure, Rolf.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.