This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 13 March 2021

Will Francis visit persecuted Catholics in Rome?

The Holy Father has had several recent diplomatic triumphs, visiting places where Catholics are persecuted: Iraq went very well, although Francis is still trying to get the taste of sheep's eyes out of his mouth; moreover, he ALMOST managed to spare 10 minutes to see Cardinal Zen, the representative of persecuted Catholics in China. Now a request has come for an urgent visit to St Peter's Basilica, where a persecution of Catholics unparalleled since the days of Nero has begun.

Rich Raho

A devout Catholic becomes hysterical when he hears the tragic news.

From now on visiting parties of pilgrims wishing to celebrate Mass are invited to do so in one of the following locations:
  • The public conveniences;
  • A disused broom cupboard;
  • A cold area of the grotto under six inches of water.


Fido guards the entrance to the place reserved for Masses.

All Masses must be in Italian, and involve an idol of Pachamama, or they will be stopped. Anyone trying to offer a traditional Latin Mass will be escorted to the River Tiber and pushed in.

The good news is that several slots are available: 3.23 a.m., 3.33 a.m., and 3.43 a.m. Each slot lasts ten minutes, so do practise speaking quickly, Fathers.

On being told of these new regulations, Pope Francis laughed heartily for 20 minutes and then hastily composed himself and said "We must visit these poor oppressed pilgrims. Make sure they cough up 20 euros each, as the Vatican is rather broke at the moment, with the Roma Power Company threatening to cut off our electricity any time now. We do have our own dynamo, but little Ivereigh can't keep running round in his wheel all night."

Pope Francis laughing

Pope Francis expresses his deep distress at the persecution.

A papal visit to St Peter's is not considered to be one of the more difficult tasks, involving just a ten-minute walk from the humble study in which the Pope works on developing his new doctrines. However, it has few photo-opportunities, and no racing around in a popemobile, let alone a chance for EX AEROPLANA announcements.

Still, such a trip would be a very welcome boost to morale, and the pilgrims are grateful that a provisional date of March 13th 2043, the 30th anniversary of Francis's accession, has been agreed.


  1. EX AEROPLANA!!! You win, Eccles....

  2. That would be the date of the 20th anniversary of the election of Pope Mao, (Cardinal Tagle), Bishop of the World.

  3. It's sad when your excellent satire becomes actual reality...keep it up anyway.

  4. Interesting that Bergoglio's CDF has answered a Dubium in strict accordance with Doctrine.

    (and all the Alphabet people wailed)

  5. Delegation to the Holy Father:

    Dear Holy Father, you must rescind these new regulations. We have no idea who wrote them, but whoever it was is obviously a total MORON with ZERO understanding of Catholic theology, Catholic tradition and the Traditional Mass, and if we met him we would give him a good swift KICK in....

    Pope Francis: OK, OK, I'm rescinding the regulations.