Will Francis visit persecuted Catholics in Rome?

The Holy Father has had several recent diplomatic triumphs, visiting places where Catholics are persecuted: Iraq went very well, although Francis is still trying to get the taste of sheep's eyes out of his mouth; moreover, he ALMOST managed to spare 10 minutes to see Cardinal Zen, the representative of persecuted Catholics in China. Now a request has come for an urgent visit to St Peter's Basilica, where a persecution of Catholics unparalleled since the days of Nero has begun.

A devout Catholic becomes hysterical when he hears the tragic news.

From now on visiting parties of pilgrims wishing to celebrate Mass are invited to do so in one of the following locations:

• The public conveniences;
• A disused broom cupboard;
• A cold area of the grotto under six inches of water.

Fido guards the entrance to the place reserved for Masses.

All Masses must be in Italian, and involve an idol of Pachamama, or they will be stopped. Anyone trying to offer a traditional Latin Mass will be escorted to the River Tiber and pushed in.

The good news is that several slots are available: 3.23 a.m., 3.33 a.m., and 3.43 a.m. Each slot lasts ten minutes, so do practise speaking quickly, Fathers.

On being told of these new regulations, Pope Francis laughed heartily for 20 minutes and then hastily composed himself and said "We must visit these poor oppressed pilgrims. Make sure they cough up 20 euros each, as the Vatican is rather broke at the moment, with the Roma Power Company threatening to cut off our electricity any time now. We do have our own dynamo, but little Ivereigh can't keep running round in his wheel all night."

Pope Francis expresses his deep distress at the persecution.

A papal visit to St Peter's is not considered to be one of the more difficult tasks, involving just a ten-minute walk from the humble study in which the Pope works on developing his new doctrines. However, it has few photo-opportunities, and no racing around in a popemobile, let alone a chance for EX AEROPLANA announcements.

Still, such a trip would be a very welcome boost to morale, and the pilgrims are grateful that a provisional date of March 13th 2043, the 30th anniversary of Francis's accession, has been agreed.

Worshipping dead fish

There is a possible interpretation of the Bible that says that Jesus came into the world to supply us with dead fish. This viewpoint is held by the Episcatorian Church, part of the Anglercan Communion; for them the feeding of the five thousand on bread and fish is a central part of Jesus's ministry, together with the events after the Resurrection, when He advised His disciples how to catch fish and then prepared them a fish breakfast cooked on a fire of burning coals.

A miracle involving fish.

Prime Minister David Cameron is of course a man of strong religious convictions, and, although he does not speak often of this, a pious Episcatorian. His trip round the fish-markets of Portugal at the time of Armageddon has been widely mocked (including, regrettably on this blog), but he was merely undertaking a pilgrimage in accordance with the tenets of his deeply-held piscine faith.

A dedicated fish-worshipper visits some holy shrines.

Episcatorians sing many of the modern hymns that Anglercans love, such as "Follow me, follow me, leave your home and family, Leave your fishing nets and boats upon the shore" and "If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings, ..., If I were a fish in the sea, I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee", together with modified versions of more traditional hymns, such as "Be still, my sole" and "Hark! The herald angelfish". They generally conclude their service with the traditional "The piece of cod which passeth all understanding".

On the side of the angelfish.

I hope that this clarifies the situation, and will put an end to malicious comments about David Cameron along the lines of "Why is he totally ignoring what ISIS is up to? Why doesn't he ask for a recall of parliament? Why does he make even Obama look good by comparison?" Our pious Prime Minister will pray for peace in the way he knows best, by visiting yet more fish shops, and he will leave the military aspects to Pope Francis, who is even now planning to drop an elite force of "Magic Circle" bishops in Iraq.

Nuns on the Bus sent to Iraq

Sr Christine Frost is the Catholic nun who single-handedly defeated ISIS in East London by tearing down an Islamic jihad flag, where the Police, the British Army, and all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men dared not venture.

Now safe for policemen once more.

As a result, Barack Obama has decided to deploy the famous American "Nuns on the Bus" in Iraq, as the force most likely to send ISIS fleeing in terror. Said Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, President of the USCCB, "We have long wondered what's God's purpose was for the Nuns on the Bus. They call themselves Catholics, but they reject so much Catholic teaching that most of us think of them as a wacky Protestant sect. I don't know about the Muslims, but they sure terrify me."

"Make my day, Galloway! We won't do things the Allah-way!"

It is thought that several busloads of nuns will be sent to confront ISIS. Said General Sister Simone Campbell, their leader, "We have long wanted the opportunity to put men in their place, and where better to start than with the sexist homophobic anti-liberal men of ISIS? By the time we've finished with them, we'll have them wearing burkhas and doing the cleaning and flower-arranging in their mosques, where the ecumenical Muslim-Catholic services will be taken by liberal female mullah-priests who don't wear traditional vestments of any kind."

The sign of "NUN", used to show support for the nuns.

It is thought that President Obama has offered the nuns more modern transport than the clapped-out buses to which they are accustomed, but these have been firmly rejected by Sr Simone. "It's too late now to call ourselves the Nuns in the Jeep, or the Nuns in the Tank," she says. "Anyway, our marching song, The nuns in the bus go drone drone drone, would have to be rewritten."

Britain's belated contribution: one nun, on a bike.